Does anyone else deal with debilitating anxiety?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I HATE anxiety more than anything. I keep wondering if I am going to feel this way forever. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be the one to decide to change and get control over the anxiety, and I understand that I am the only one who can do this... . but I feel like its impossible. I don't know what else to try. I see a therapist, I am on anti-anxiety medication and have tried multiple types, I try yoga, meditation, hypnosis, hanging out with people... . but I alwaysalwaysalways have this horrible feeling in my stomach, heart, and chest. I know its because I cannot deal with the unknown. my BPDex broke up with me after a rage about a month ago and contact has been limited. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if I can emotionally keep going through this, but I am also so in love with him and he makes me so happy when he is not in this state of mind... .

 I need help. I am willing to try anything to get rid of this anxiety. I feel like I am wasting my life feeling sick over other people's issues.

All I ever want to do is throw up and sleep/ 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Newkate]

I HATE anxiety more than anything. I keep wondering if I am going to feel this way forever. Everyone keeps telling me that I need to be the one to decide to change and get control over the anxiety, and I understand that I am the only one who can do this... . but I feel like its impossible. I don't know what else to try. I see a therapist, I am on anti-anxiety medication and have tried multiple types, I try yoga, meditation, hypnosis, hanging out with people... . but I alwaysalwaysalways have this horrible feeling in my stomach, heart, and chest. I know its because I cannot deal with the unknown. my BPDex broke up with me after a rage about a month ago and contact has been limited. I don't know what to think anymore. I don't know if I can emotionally keep going through this, but I am also so in love with him and he makes me so happy when he is not in this state of mind... .

 I need help. I am willing to try anything to get rid of this anxiety. I feel like I am wasting my life feeling sick over other people's issues.

All I ever want to do is throw up and sleep/ 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[bruceli]

Been there... . Sorry about this cliche ststement but... . time heals all wounds... . Tried everything myself and only time worked... .

[patientandclear]

It's accounts like this that make me so certain that BPD is a real thing and being in a r/s with someone wBPD is a real thing.  I never in my life have had any issues with anxiety.  After my ex left me and I entered the murky world of "what is this?  What should I do?  What is real?  What is right?," I too had constant physical feelings like you describe.  No matter what I did.  It has taken a really long time for them to ebb, long enough that I don't want to tell you how long lest you get worried.  They are now mostly gone (as is he ) but not entirely (nor is he ).

I think a problem for us is that that state of mind and being is so intolerable it can drive poor decisions just to resolve it, you know?  Being connected to my ex temporarily resolves the horrible anxiety and physical pain, and I think sometimes that overrides other reasoning.  Yes, like drug use.

I will also say though that the better route to resolving the anxiety, which is not unrelated to being connected with my ex, is to accept him, who he is, how he is -- regardless of what exactly is happening with us.  Giving up that sense that there is something I am supposed to be doing that could change it all.  The guidance on the Staying board about radical acceptance and really getting that this, how it is now -- this is really who he is -- has helped me relax more.  I don't feel the panic impulse to save something or change something that I think is at the bottom of a lot of our anxiety.

[Tooloyal]

I agree with the last post but haven't gotten that acceptance thing down nearly enough yet.

I have gone from a strong person to a wimp because I don't accept her or what is happening. Thankfully, I have held it together at work so that only a few there know what I am going through and they care for me and allow me to vent when the time allows. Other people I work with would have no idea that the boss, the supervisor, the strong leader that they know feels like she is a baby in need of rocking.

At home,  I literally fall on my knees praying for relief. I am so hurt and confused I don't know what to do. I have some anti-anxiety pills that I take when I can't control the crying or emotions. It doesn't turn my brain off of the obsessive, addictive feelings, it just takes the edge off.

I know this situation is so screwed up, it's ridiculous. My SO's behaviors are inconsiderate, up and down and go from extreme neediness to punishment for what I did that set her off (which is nothing because I act like her puppet). My anxieties are heightened if I try to do something for myself like go out with a friend for dinner, because she might find out and will either feel like we are incompatible because I have friends and she doesn't or she will think that I don't need her any more... . So she will punish me with harsh, unfair words or go NC. If I write on this board or buy books like another post was discussing, I am paranoid that she will find out and would NEVER forgive me. Again, more anxieties.

My guts stays in a knot. We are in a terrible period right now so while I long and long for her to contact me she probably won't. I think it is finally over. That of course has my nerves shot.  But in the past when there were smaller problems, I stayed anxious until things got temporarily fixed. I have allowed her to be the barometer of my life. I stay in upset mode most of the time. When she validates me or the relationship again, I am happy and life is good.

Yesterday while driving to work and feeling like I have got too change, I had a vision of myself in a small row boat on the water. I am tethered to an anchor that is our relationship. I am not held completely still but am trying to make it while pulling along this very heavy anchor. I have been afraid to cut the line, because if I do, I will be lost and will either drift to who knows where or keep rowing in circles, probably trying to reattach to the anchor. My friends tell me all the time advice that basically means cut the anchor and be free. They do not understand my fears and how my comfort level has adjusted to where I am. So I thought if I cut it, I will eventually, who knows how long, get somewhere in that boat. Healing takes time is true, but is very, very painful.

I wish I had an answer for you, myself and all of us. Some people get over anxiety easier than others. Most people would have walked out of the relationship I am in years ago. They would have seen the potential for problems and run. I wanted to be the hero and I have been successfully many times. I must have some mixed up stuff going on though or I would not have gotten addicted to her and would not keep expecting change.

The more we can accept that they act in bizarre and often painful ways, the less anxiety we will have. The less I expect, the better off I feel. It's just hard! Especially when they don't always act the same. Sometimes they are kind and loving and make us feel great so that we don't understand why it changes and why we have to hurt.

Sorry for my rambling. I am at a very down and painful place and hope to get better soon. I keep waiting for her contact to bring balance back into life and make me better. As soon as I can make myself better then things will change and I will feel less anxious. I wish that for all of us.

[Validation78]

Hi Newkate!

I can really relate to your anxiety. I experienced a lot of the same right after the separation from my dBPDh. These things helped me :

For nausea, 25 jumping jacks followed by deep breathing exercises

For general anxiety, deep breathing , prayer, repeating affirmations like:

I am healthy

I am strong

I control my own life and decisions

Letting go is healthy

It takes time, discipline, and commitment to doing whatever it takes to be good to yourself. I buy flowers for myself, treat myself to ice cream, good music, and good friends who build me up and make me feel loved because I am worthy, and so are you!

Hope this helps,

Best Wishes,

Val78

[maryy16]

I know exactly how you feel! I too have become so extremely anxious over these past 30+ years that I truly believe I have PTSD from having to deal with this horrible disease.  While I admit, my H is "better" than he used to be because he started medication and things are calmer for longer periods of time, once the raging starts all progress seems to fly out the window. Right now I am on the verge of tears and I just want to scream and scream and scream.  Just thinking about what might happen next and thinking of all the horrible things that have been said to me, almost send me into an anxiety attack. I dont' want to be yelled at and put down anymore, EVER!

I have tried anti-anxiety meds but they don't seem to do too much for me.  I exercise everyday, I work, I try to keep my mind focused on other things, but I just can't seem to get over this.  I feel that I can never truly heal because the rages never stop and can flare up at any moment.  Whenever I seem to be at peace, here we go again, and it sets me back even further each time.  I feel like just slumping down in a corner and crying... .

[charred]

My T suggested mindfulness, specifically reading Eckart Tolle's "A New Earth" and then finding a book with some mindfulness exercises or googling them.  Went looking for the book, it was in the New Age section and I about walked out... . not in to silly stuff... . but I bought it, read it, tried it and went from breaking out with hives to least stressed and anxious I have been ever.

All it is... . really is learning to stay in the here and now, instead of ruminating about the past or getting anxious about the future. It works, its simple and it doesn't have the anti-anxiety med side effects.

Very well spent $15.

I was very anxious by the way as I was in the middle of a divorce from a wife of 22 yrs and a person with intense BPD... . and if it worked for that I think it will help. Did get some PTSD treatment later, but the mindfulness stays with me and was of more value personally.

[musicfan42]

Yep, I have major anxiety issues. I have a fear of abandonment and a fear of broken promises. I want a boyfriend to spend all his time with me-when he says that he has to go do something, I feel so anxious... . I literally do think that he's never going to come back... . that that's it... . that he'll find someone else he's more interested in when he's out and about. I also feel anxious when men talk about exes in case they're secretly hung up on these exes.

My father made a lot of broken promises but would never follow through on them so this is a big issue for me now when I'm dating! Men tell me that I'm intelligent, pretty etc etc but I always presume it's just so that I'll sleep with them. I always seem to assume that a compliment has a hidden motive and I actually get irritated when men pay me compliments as I assume it's flattery/manipulation. I feel like a lot of anxiety around men, even if the relationship is going well because I always wonder when the guy is going to stab me in the back.

I've had issues feeling comfortable with men touching me... . it's like kissing is fine, sexual acts are fine but letting someone hug me etc makes me feel very vulnerable and I don't know why. Right now, there is a guy I like and he texted me earlier but I'm wondering why he hasn't texted me since   

I have no idea how to deal with this relationship anxiety!  :'(

[danley]

Living in the present sounds about right. It doesn't happen overnight but take time to adjust.  Once in a while I'll get a flashback of something my ex said or did and I'll start to feel down. But catching the negative self talk straight away helps and I try to end it right then and there. I remind myself that I should be celebrated and NOT tolerated. It sounds weird, but I walk around all day at work saying small prayers or affirmations to myself. It helps me focus and calms me down.

I used to get major anxiety at work. When I'd see him I'd feel a rush of different emotions. It took a lot of self talk to ease the anxiety attacks. I do OK now. But I think It's gotten better due to the fact that my ex has gotten "better". For three months after breaking up he was a total jerk from another planet. It was horrible to be around him. He would lash out and be rude and then seconds later he'd be nice. And guess what, I'd return the same to him. It became draining as I didn't know which way was up and which was down. It wasn't until I stopped reacting the same way as him and pit my foot down that I noticed him change. I told him I was tired of him treating me like a second class citizen but yet saying he had feelings for me and then telling me we would never work out to him saying he loved me to him painting me black and then reaching out again. All of this in a matter of minutes. I told him I would no longer let him get me down because he was unhappy with himself.

I started to block him out so that I could work on myself as I had changed with him. I am a free spirited, caring, patient, loving, and fun person. But when my ex started sinking into his dark hole with his fear, shame, and guilt issues about our relationship I became like him in many ways. ,I was as angry and bitter as him as well as confused. I changed my perspective and let him know that I was hurt by his behavior and that I didn't trust him anymore. I put my smile back on and had a positive attitude and didnt show my ex any signs of negativity.I suggested he seek professional help and told him I didn't know who he was anymore. The next week he was calm and slowly engaging. I didn't budge but I wasn't rude. I was scared he would revert back to his rages and hate. The next week he was calm and engaging more. I remained distant but cordial. I still expected him to revert because I had told him that he had a cycle of starting out nice on Monday but by Friday he was a jerk again. Third week he was surprisingly calm and even more engaging and even caring and asking about ME for a change. By week five I've seen him slowly go back to being the man I fell for years ago. You'd think I'd be happy, which I am, but I'm also scared. I feel like the bonds of trust has been tainted from the past and I don't know how to act. I've been reaching out a little more but now I'm afraid if It's too much and it'll cause him to panic and go back to rage mode. Crap! Walking on eggshells again.

I have been trying to quit smoking during all this. It's so hard because whenever I feel anxiety coming on I light up. But I don't wanna smoke anymore.  One of the reasons I started was because I was stressed out during our relationship and have used smoking as a crutch and substitute to venting. Highly recommended that you dont take up smoking to ease anxiety because kicking the habit becomes an even bigger problem! Lol

Anxiety is bad but workable. I just hope my ex stays on his track of calm and getting better. Idk why he started changing for the better. Idk if it was my final talk with him and he actually realized how he was treating me. Or maybe he has an outside source(talking to a new girl)now to throw his emotions on to now. I just know that we act and react to how the other person is. This happens in normal relationships... . if you're around happy company, you're prone to act and be happy too. If you're around someone miserable,  you're prone to feel and act miserable too. We feed off each others energy.

Try changing your perspective a bit. When you start to focus on your own healing its easier to face anything thrown your way. You put yourself in a better place. You begin to feel more confident. It could help you and maybe even your ex at the same time.