How to prepare for a visit?

[Cantor]

I'm not sure what the question I'm asking is, but I thought I'd ask it anyway. 

When I was younger I used to get really nervous around my uBPD mom when I lived with her. Everything was fine when she was in a good mood, but rages were intense, mostly verbal. Sometimes she would cook while in a rage and would be even more angry if we wouldn't eat. So I would get paranoid that she had put something in the food for example. And then it's hard not to feel guilty when nothing happens... .

I'm going back to visit for a week. Everything is fine now, but the rages are so unpredictable, and it's hard to know what's going to happen. I feel a bit nervous and unprepared, even though I've been working through some tools here. Are there any particular techniques you use to defuse difficult situations that work well? What is the best way to prepare for a visit?

[zone out]

Hi Cantor

I am a recent member and cannot offer much wisdom but I can definitely identify with your situation, that knotted feeling in the stomach as you approach the house not knowing what you are going to find... . the fact that the rages can blow up in an instant over nothing ... . so there is nothing you can do to prevent them only try and deal with the situation as it happens.  I have collected together all the online info on values, setting boundaries and have read Walking on Eggshells from cover to cover.  Also FOG - I think if you get to grips with that it makes the boundary setting a bit less scary.  My mother's usual way of coming out of one of her rages is the 'how are you going to live with the fact that you have killed your mother' - the implication that myself cowering in the chair while she raged has some sort of potentially fatal outcome.  It's just a giant guilt trip she has been unleashing on me.  And it has not been too difficult for her - I am the sort of person who walks into a lampost and apologizes to it!

I live nearby so am only visiting on a daily basis but I think if I was visiting for a week I would make sure I had a few ideas up my sleeve, places I need to visit while there, people I need to see.  I have only been on the site for about 6 weeks and I still have not plucked up the courage to put all my new knowledge re boundaries etc into practice but I definitely think I will not be anything like as badly affected by her next rage.  Understanding more about the condition and the realization that so many others are going through a similar thing and the opportunity to share is definitely helping me feel stronger.  I have to tread carefully because she is elderly and has a chronic health issue but if I had the opportunity to talk to my younger self, I would not have let her get away with all the emotional turmoil she has caused me over so many years.

I hope your visit is better than you fear Cantor.  She might be so glad to see you that she will be on her best behavior.  At least when you are the visitor the ball is in your court - it would be easier to cut your visit short if you had to rather than get her to leave your home earlier than planned.

Best wishes

Zone Out

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Cantor! 

I have had BPDMom visit and had it go HORRIBLY, and had her visit, and had it go alright.  When it went alright, I established some clear and explicit boundaries before she came, and I framed as "for my comfort, this is what I need".  Some BPs may not react well to this, but mine does.

So for example, if I were you, I might say "Just for my own comfort, I will be doing all of the cooking while you are here," or "If you get angry and start to yell at me, I will leave the house," and make sure you stick to it to show her that you are serious.  The first few times I established a boundary, there were a lot of critical comments and some minor backlash, but it went significantly better the next time she came for a visit.  We didn't even get an angry attack phone call from her husband. 

How long will she be staying, and how well has she reacted to you setting boundaries in the past?

[Finding Courage]

I just got done with a visit.  They certainly are very stressful.  It takes all of my emotional energy just to get through it. 

Some things that help me: 

-Try and plan a lot of activity

-Try and find ways to spend time apart without triggering her

-I have to constantly work on setting and sticking to my boundaries

-Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect and if it gets too bad, you can leave- you are an adult now.

Good luck and take care of yourself.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey Cantor,

Good question. Visits can be tough, and I know there can be a lot of anxiety surrounding them. You're not alone.

Do you have good boundaries in place? That's a great place to start. Basically, it's helpful to know how you should be treated and what your options are if you are not being respected (like taking a timeout, hanging up the phone, etc.). BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Another helpful thing is communication techniques, especially SET and DEARMAN. Communication tools (SET, PUVAS, DEARMAN)

When she would rage in the past, do you remember what happened? What started it? What did she say? How would you respond? One of the most important things is if things start to get heated, don't JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. These only serve to invalidate feelings. Rather, stay mindful of her feelings and then use the communication techniques listed above.

[ObliviousRed]

Hi everyone! i was just going to ask this question.

My uBPD mom emailed to ask if she can visit us on her way home... . even the thought of one min. with her gets me scared. But i said she could come by and visit for my son's sake i would never say no but i need to learn now how to set the boundaries. I read all the books but putting the play into practice still seems so hard to me.

Its not my normal personality to plan how to respond with a boundary. I am prepared to ask her to leave or leave myself but still find that a scary thought. My husband is going to try and be home for the visit but its going to be hard for him to get out of work.

Her comments always hit me like a slap in the face, if she in fact would do just that then others could see how much they hurt and resound on my behalf. However, to everyone else they just seem like "mom" comments.

However, i can't handle them anymore and won't allow her to hurt me just because she feels she can comment on anything she likes. But still as i say this putting her and her comments in place is super scary !

Like you i have to prepare but reading and watching the video's still seems like a bungie jump or sky dive kind of event.

i feel so unprepared ... .

[CinnamonRadio]

Hi Oblivious!

Do you have a therapist who might be able to help you plan out some responses to her typical comments?  I have found that very helpful in the past.  If not, try writing out a few possible exchanges in a journal the way you'd like them to go.  You may not be *perfect* in executing them (it seems that boundary-setting is a major challenge for many of us with BPD parents), but even the act of trying is worth patting yourself on the back for!