Damage Control

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My GF of 8 months (although for Jan - March it was long-distance) is almost certainly BPD by everything I have read.  Long story short - I decided to get out.  Since then it has gone from bad to COMPLETE HELL.   

In two weeks time, she lost her job, got a DUI, showed up at my house in the middle of the night FIVE times (kicked out immediately every time, I don't know why she kept coming back), stole my cell phone (used findmydroid.com to track it to her place.  She denied having it so I had to have PD come with me to retrieve it.), hacked my Facebook and send messages calling my female friends "Sluts"... .

... . and (according to her) this is all my fault.  Because I hited up her life and caused all these problems and now I won't even come over and hold her.   She text me, begs me, to please come hold her.  And when I say no she turns on me and blows up my phone texting saying EVIL things (my mom died in March.  She says "why don't you join her" and calls me a "hiting orphan". 

This is going to sound terrible, but last night I DID come over her place and hold her.  Because I do care.  And because I do feel that she was doing well before the breakup, she was happy.   And because she really does need help, on many levels with many things.  AND - because I haven't slept in 3 nights thinking she is going to come back and try to get in my house.  Messed up huh, sleep with the enemy just to get some sleep yourself.  This morning she kicked me out because I would not have sex with her.  Because obviously there must be someone else she said.  There isn't, because I would never invite someone into this hell. 

Her son hates me.  Her ex-husband hates me.  Because, I think, for a little while it was pretty good for them.  Or at least better.  It might sound narcissistic but things WERE better for them, and for my ex, before I "ruined everything".  And they are left to pick up the pieces. As much as I HAD to get out, knowing it would only get worse for me, I feel tremendously guilty.  I feel sorry for her. BPD is a terrible illness and I try to be empathetic.  It is certainly not easy being her.  When she sleeps I kiss her head and pray "please lord, give her inner peace". 

It is torture to have to abandon someone I love, who fears abandonment, for my own salvation.  She really was good, for the most part, during our relationship (within the context of BPD).   Her friend is (she says) going with her so she can admit herself to the mental hospital tonight.  She is aware of her issues and was hospitalized during her divorce.   She frequently would ask me if I loved her "as I am", I did not know what that meant at the time.  I do now, unfortunately.  She calls herself "cursed" and I know she really feels that way, and that is so sad to me, because in a way she is right.

This is the hardest thing I've had to do since I had to put my father with Parkinson's disease in a nursing home.  It tears my heart out but, to have to say "I'm sorry I can't take care of you anymore".   To all of those going through a BPD breakup, I pray you have to strength to see it through.  To those staying in a BPD relationship, I admire your unselfishness and the self-sacrifice that it takes, and for those with BPD, I wish you inner peace.

Thanks for listening.

M -

[PullToEject]

My GF of 8 months (although for Jan - March it was long-distance) is almost certainly BPD by everything I have read.  Long story short - I decided to get out.  Since then it has gone from bad to COMPLETE HELL.   

In two weeks time, she lost her job, got a DUI, showed up at my house in the middle of the night FIVE times (kicked out immediately every time, I don't know why she kept coming back), stole my cell phone (used findmydroid.com to track it to her place.  She denied having it so I had to have PD come with me to retrieve it.), hacked my Facebook and send messages calling my female friends "Sluts"... .

... . and (according to her) this is all my fault.  Because I hited up her life and caused all these problems and now I won't even come over and hold her.   She text me, begs me, to please come hold her.  And when I say no she turns on me and blows up my phone texting saying EVIL things (my mom died in March.  She says "why don't you join her" and calls me a "hiting orphan". 

This is going to sound terrible, but last night I DID come over her place and hold her.  Because I do care.  And because I do feel that she was doing well before the breakup, she was happy.   And because she really does need help, on many levels with many things.  AND - because I haven't slept in 3 nights thinking she is going to come back and try to get in my house.  Messed up huh, sleep with the enemy just to get some sleep yourself.  This morning she kicked me out because I would not have sex with her.  Because obviously there must be someone else she said.  There isn't, because I would never invite someone into this hell. 

Her son hates me.  Her ex-husband hates me.  Because, I think, for a little while it was pretty good for them.  Or at least better.  It might sound narcissistic but things WERE better for them, and for my ex, before I "ruined everything".  And they are left to pick up the pieces. As much as I HAD to get out, knowing it would only get worse for me, I feel tremendously guilty.  I feel sorry for her. BPD is a terrible illness and I try to be empathetic.  It is certainly not easy being her.  When she sleeps I kiss her head and pray "please lord, give her inner peace". 

It is torture to have to abandon someone I love, who fears abandonment, for my own salvation.  She really was good, for the most part, during our relationship (within the context of BPD).   Her friend is (she says) going with her so she can admit herself to the mental hospital tonight.  She is aware of her issues and was hospitalized during her divorce.   She frequently would ask me if I loved her "as I am", I did not know what that meant at the time.  I do now, unfortunately.  She calls herself "cursed" and I know she really feels that way, and that is so sad to me, because in a way she is right.

This is the hardest thing I've had to do since I had to put my father with Parkinson's disease in a nursing home.  It tears my heart out but, to have to say "I'm sorry I can't take care of you anymore".   To all of those going through a BPD breakup, I pray you have to strength to see it through.  To those staying in a BPD relationship, I admire your unselfishness and the self-sacrifice that it takes, and for those with BPD, I wish you inner peace.

Thanks for listening.

M -

[ogopogodude]

Thanks for your story. Especially when you kissed her head (while she slept) and you prayed for her to achieve inner peace. I did the same over and over with my BPD wife. Brings tears to my eyes. 

[clover528]

PTE I understand your pain. I too left my exBPDbf. It has been then hardest time of my life. I still struggle with missing the good we shared. I feel horrible for having left him. I didnt know anything about BPD when I originally left him and things spiralled downhill everyday since.

The decision to take care of yourself and your needs is a positive one. Though I can see it was difficult for you. As it is for most of us who decide to leave the unhealthy situation. Especially when we have our own issues with caretaking or possible codependency. Our bond with them is deep. We just need to examine ourselves and choose to help ourselves. In truth we are the only ones we can save as much as we want to save them.

I have done as you said, sleeping with the enemy just so you can sleep. This is such an ambivalent disorder. As much as we fear the rage we succumb to them to quiet their inner demons even for a moment so we too may rest in that brief peace. At the same time they are going from love to hate within. Acting so bold in their manner then becoming so frail in the next moment. It is difficult to watch. Even more difficult when you truly love them.

I am sorry for your struggle. You arent alone here. Read the articles on detaching and some of the lies we tell ourselves that keep us stuck. This is a process and you are just beginning.

Be kind to yourself and know you have support here. Prayers to you. Hang in there.