The non's work becomes excuse for the pwBPD

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi all, I could use some advice and input.

I've been focused on time-outs and boundaries lately, and it seems to do the job  . When my dBPDbf gets worked up, I exit the room for 10 minutes doing something else, then come back and start talking about others things like nothing really happened. He usually calms down right away. Most of the time, I see that this is the disorder, and it doesn't really get to me anymore.

Now though, I'm worried he's taking this to mean that I was the problem all along and now that I don't react to him, he seems to think that I have worked on anxiety/anger problems and that that was our problem. He's in therapy and I really don't want him to quit with the excuse that he doesn't need it since I was causing the problems. What to do... .

Any thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[united for now]

What is he working on in his T?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Ah, good question. He doesn't like to talk about it much, but from what I gather since he started in December he has mainly worked on his childhood traumas. He has also touched on handling his anger and, I think, seeing me as an independent person with feelings, desires and opinions that might differ from his.

I don't think he has worked a lot on typical borderline behaviour, but he does know what splitting is. He is, however, nowhere near handling splitting better in any way.

[united for now]

All good reasons for him to keep going then 

[ltul]

My husband is going to T for the exact things you listed for your husband. He believes and has convinced his counselor that it is me. (He is very smart, very charming and very good at being the victim.)Thank god for the couples counselor who sees my husband for what he is. A man with BPD. I have come to except (even though it sucks) that wether he thinks it is me or not he is still working on his rages and traumas from his childhood. The positive side is that  for the longest time I did think it was all my fault and now At least i know it wasn't. The frustrating part for me is he is getting help but not for what he needs it most for. I am hoping we can do couples dialectical therapy. That way he will get help for BPD but not have to be told he has it. Win for all. Hopefully. I feel for your pain, but in the end I think we are lucky we even got these men to go to therapy.

[waverider]

First off it shows that what you are doing for you is improving the whole stability of the RS.Which is a good thing



pwBPD are delusional by nature, expecting him to be otherwise is the old proverbial barking duck analogy

You will not rectify his core thinking pattern, all you can do is create more harmony, so dont sweat on the whys and wherefores of what is going in his mind. You cant do anything about that so Acceptance of the general unfairness of things is probably best here.

Much the same stage with me, we have little extreme escalation or high conflict anty more. My partner believes she is getting better, but her thought patterns are exactly the same,. The only differences is I dont trigger it the same and can contain it when I do, so she has come off high defensive alert to a degree. So we can talk more insightfully about things. But no matter how she is starting to see the behavior and disorder, her automatic reactions override any insight

He is going to Therapy, so you are right dont rock the boat

[Scarlet Phoenix]

United for now: yes, it is  So I hope he stays with it. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Itul: You're right, we are lucky they are in therapy. Good luck with the couples therapy! Seems like a good move.

Waverider: Wise words, this is just something I must let go off (the why's and the wherefore's of therapy and the end result) and put on the account of Radical Acceptance. And my partner and yours definitely seem to be in the same stage. Mine,too, have more insight into the disorder and can talk about behaviours in a rational and analytical way, but his responses are still very much the same as before. Ach, well.


At the end of the day, I'll just have to work on letting this go and not let it worry me or bother me. I'm really truly feeling radical acceptance about the typical borderline behaviours, like the push-pull, the splitting, the abandonment fears, the lack of empathy due to him being in emotional high-drive and all of that. But it's always good to have a new challenge 

[waverider]

True acceptance is a slow evolution, you cant just learn it and adopt it, it has to slowly sink in.

Sometimes reflecting back on where you came from helps enormously to keep perspective.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Ah yes, that's so true. I'm in a completely different place, mentally and emotionally, than I was a year ago, even just a few months ago.

[bruceli]

First off it shows that what you are doing for you is improving the whole stability of the RS.Which is a good thing



pwBPD are delusional by nature, expecting him to be otherwise is the old proverbial barking duck analogy

You will not rectify his core thinking pattern, all you can do is create more harmony, so dont sweat on the whys and wherefores of what is going in his mind. You cant do anything about that so Acceptance of the general unfairness of things is probably best here.

Much the same stage with me, we have little extreme escalation or high conflict anty more. My partner believes she is getting better, but her thought patterns are exactly the same,. The only differences is I dont trigger it the same and can contain it when I do, so she has come off high defensive alert to a degree. So we can talk more insightfully about things. But no matter how she is starting to see the behavior and disorder, her automatic reactions override any insight

He is going to Therapy, so you are right dont rock the boat

I guess due to her higher stress levels, this has become QUITE evident with PDw over the last couple of weeks... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Ouch, sounds like it's a bit rough for you at the moment bruceli 

[bruceli]

Ouch, sounds like it's a bit rough for you at the moment bruceli 

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts... . Due to my setting limits and boudries and sticking up for myself instead of just validating.  The all out raging has mellowed.  However, having just said/realized that... . this attempt at controll may be causing the increase in paranoid/ delusional thinking... . Hmmmmmm?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Quite possible! When we are changing our responses, things must seems pretty scary for our partners and I'm sure abandonment fears are kicking in, high drive.

[waverider]

Ouch, sounds like it's a bit rough for you at the moment bruceli 

Thanks for the kind words and thoughts... . Due to my setting limits and boudries and sticking up for myself instead of just validating.  The all out raging has mellowed.  However, having just said/realized that... . this attempt at controll may be causing the increase in paranoid/ delusional thinking... . Hmmmmmm?

Sometimes its the increase in our own awareness of the symptoms of BPD that we pick up shadows we could not see before. As we realize the more totally invasive the disorder is the further we feel away from normal, even though we may have achieved much. This is why perspective and acceptance are important, the problem can grow with awareness. Otherwise little stuff that passed us by now bugs us.

[bruceli]

Quite possible! When we are changing our responses, things must seems pretty scary for our partners and I'm sure abandonment fears are kicking in, high drive.

I believe this too.  Told her today that I was thinking of going to stay with the folks for a bit and she practically jumped out of her skin.  Of course all this after telling me for the last three months atleast 3+ times a week she thinks we should separate for awhile so she can figure things out.  Ah... . projection... . Right?

[waverider]

You taking control vs Her taking control.

They struggle with equilibrium

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Sometimes its the increase in our own awareness of the symptoms of BPD that we pick up shadows we could not see before.

I was just thinking that the other day! I was thinking how I now see the BPD in so much more of my partners behaviours than before. I guess (hope!) it means that I'm more educated on the subject and more aware, which is a good thing. And it doesn't bother me that I see it manifest itself in him in so many ways, it just is. Like a fact of life. Like the sky is blue. And water wet.

[daylily]

True acceptance is a slow evolution, you cant just learn it and adopt it, it has to slowly sink in.

It's happening too slowly over here.  I'm just too angry and I don't know how to stop being angry.

[bruceli]

True acceptance is a slow evolution, you cant just learn it and adopt it, it has to slowly sink in.

It's happening too slowly over here.  I'm just too angry and I don't know how to stop being angry.

I started to honestly, firmly express my feelings and set boundries and evoke me-a matums as of last night and it seems to be working even slightly better now.  DW even asked me to come and talk to HER withoutany her raging anymore and in a calm and excepting manner.  She even said after 20 minutes of calming discussion that she knows that " she needs to get her poop in a group and stop the drinking".  Crossing my fingers and hoping for the best.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

True acceptance is a slow evolution, you cant just learn it and adopt it, it has to slowly sink in.

It's happening too slowly over here.  I'm just too angry and I don't know how to stop being angry.

Sorry Daylily, I know what you mean. Earlier this year I went through an angry phase were I was just so mad at him and "all the borderline c**p". And then it just went away. I think it helped that I took a lot of time for me, and I took up again a hobby that I love (horse riding  ) and I've been diligent in upholding my boundaries and time-outs. So overall things have calmed down and I've had more refill of things that lift me up. Hope you can find a way to do the same  

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I started to honestly, firmly express my feelings and set boundries and evoke me-a matums as of last night and it seems to be working even slightly better now. 

[waverider]

It's like a big swinging pendulum,. Acceptance comes and goes in big swings, extreme in both ways until it slowly settles to a sustainable level. It takes a while to work out what you can accept, what you can't. Just the same as your actions can affect certain results but not others. But it takes a while to find that workable solution which is different for everyone and every RS