Need your thoughts

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have been on the staying board for about 10 years and now I am thinking about a change.  I will make this a brief as I can.

1.Just found out my deceased Father cheated horribly on my Mother.  this upset me greatly as it hurt her for over 50 years.

2. As usual when I had what i perceived as a real crisis- he had to create a larger one to bring things back to him.  As we know this happens everytime we need support.

This also triggered him to "Internet affair" again.

3. But this time I saw it thru different eyes.  I was suddenly broken from the co-dependant cycle my father and I had created for so many years and everything looks different

4. All of a sudden I don't want to take care of him anymore.  I don't want to be his Mommie anymore while he looks for love on the net and I certainly don't want to stand by while he does that.

5. But most of all I don't want to face life's crisis's alone anymore.

Have any of you experienced anything similar and what did you do about it.  I have told him that I am confused and he needs to take care of himself cause I need to take care of me.  of course he rebelled and regressed.  Advise?  I find myself in a bad situation because he has always told me he will end his life if I try to leave and has attempted on several occasions.

[pk]

I have been on the staying board for about 10 years and now I am thinking about a change.  I will make this a brief as I can.

1.Just found out my deceased Father cheated horribly on my Mother.  this upset me greatly as it hurt her for over 50 years.

2. As usual when I had what i perceived as a real crisis- he had to create a larger one to bring things back to him.  As we know this happens everytime we need support.

This also triggered him to "Internet affair" again.

3. But this time I saw it thru different eyes.  I was suddenly broken from the co-dependant cycle my father and I had created for so many years and everything looks different

4. All of a sudden I don't want to take care of him anymore.  I don't want to be his Mommie anymore while he looks for love on the net and I certainly don't want to stand by while he does that.

5. But most of all I don't want to face life's crisis's alone anymore.

Have any of you experienced anything similar and what did you do about it.  I have told him that I am confused and he needs to take care of himself cause I need to take care of me.  of course he rebelled and regressed.  Advise?  I find myself in a bad situation because he has always told me he will end his life if I try to leave and has attempted on several occasions.

[Clearmind]

pK, do you harbour obligation and/or guilt?

Is your father BPD pK?

[pk]

Hi Clearmind

My father has passed away now but as I look back on my life I realized he was deeply BPD and kept the whole family in his grasp.

Thank you for the Obligation/guilt question.  I am having a struggle sorting out my feelings on that at the moment.  I do feel an obligation to my BPDh.   I feel like he cannot take care of himself.  He is unable to pay his own bills, doesn't work, is on SS disability.  He doesn't/can't even fill his own med boxes (he takes 24 pills a day) , he doesn't even take

a shower without me prompting him.

Yes, the obligation/guilt question is a big one for me and I feel like I have been in this pattern so long that i no longer know how to even define a healthy relationship

[Clearmind]

pk, its really hard to permit our partners to fail - hubby needs to start taking care of himself. Do you feel resentful that you feel obligated to run hubbies life?

I understand that guilt/obligation feeling pk - been there and also have a BPD father - I was conditioned from a very young age to fix everyone - I got mad and resentful.

Are you able to dig deep to see where these feelings come from - in relation to Dad? There may well be a pattern of relating for you.

[pk]

You are so right Clearmind

You have pretty much hit the nail on the head.

My father was a bad alcoholic and I def. got my codependency issues from him. 

I am pretty much being held hostage in my relationship now.  He won't do anything for himself and whenever I try to leave he attempts suicide.  If he would succeed I would have to live with that.

I do very much resent him for being forced into his "mother" role.  A marriage cannot survive that way

I will start making him take care of himself but what if he just won't .  Most days I come home to a filthy house, a naked husband watching tv and nothing done except maybe a few dishes.  This goes on day after day.  He just spends excessive amounts of time on the internet and does little else including bathe.

[Clearmind]

My father was an alcoholic too and the house revolved around him and his needs. Things are a little different these days thankfully.

I'm sorry to hear that about your Husband pk... . not fun! Resentment comes with the territory and its own childhood conditioning that contributes to our fixing.

Any ideas how you can work with the suicide threats? This is not fair on you and placing in a no win situation. Some boundaries really need to be set pk - I would imagine you don't want these antics to go on much longer. Do you have kiddo's?

Wow pk - what are you options right now and what are considering? Are you seeing a therapist?

Please make sure you are still doin things for you.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

I completely understand I am in the sam esituation with my H. Is yours my H twin brother, what you describe is my situation including the naked on the couch thing (if he made it that far that day sometimes sleeping when I get home) does yours yell at the DVR calling it nasty profanities because it will not work on their time?

I love my husband but resent and hate him for all that I have to do while he "skates" by one of the biggest reasons for being on this board.