ruminating triggers?

[clover528]

What are yours and how do you handle them?

I seem to be ruminating today. Thinking about the good stuff. wondering if somehow the new gf is getting all the charm and wonderful things I begged for, while I got the bad stuff. I hurt my own progress today  by cyber snooping. Found a photo of a painting he made for her. Bad CLOVER! (giving myself a quick slap for snooping ).

I keep thinking of all the times I encouraged him to paint again, do x y or z and got met with madness and repeat bad behaviors. I know this is my own imagination and his BPD behaviors will repeat. He is not in treatment to my knowledge. But that doesnt stop me from thinking maybe he is and I have no way of knowing etc. Which makes me angry at myself  for even wondering! UGH!

Its like one step forward and two steps back.

This is so difficult. Not trying to make excuse for my relapse and snooping, but I have so much daily stress of late. Caring for the kids, an ill parent, looking for work, possibly having to move to a different place, financial problems, legal issues over BPDex and d, health issues myself ... . I feel like a mess. I am trying to discover my internal issues and work on that as well when time permits.

Anyone else sabotage their recovery by snooping? what to do to handle triggers when there are so many? Handling weak moments? etc?

[winston72]

Loneliness!  That seems to be the starting point for so much rumination.

I must also say that the line between rumination and reflection can be pretty thin.  Quite often i will have a memory of some event, interaction or moment with my ex.  It can start off a bit dreamy and then evolve into a moment of insight.  Very often reading these boards will put me back into feelings about my ex.  The feelings are still quite strong and they sometimes take me places that I don't think I want to go... . either painful ones or ones that are sweet and I fear will be hard to let go.  But, at this point in my growth I am trying to fully accept whatever it is I am feeling and... . well, just let them be!

Sometimes the information I gain from being curious (no fb or other connections that allow me to snoop) is painful, but instructive.  I don't think being curious is a bad thing... . it is just a problem if it sets you back emotionally.  Oddly, for me, letting go has been a process of fully embracing what happened.  Coming to terms with her behavior, about which I was delusional and my behavior, about which I was in denial has involved a lot of remembrance and acceptance.  A lot of thinking about it all (her, me, us)... . so, where in the beginning I would have liked to have it all removed from my mind; now I am learning that it is a process of rearrangement, not removal.  And what changes is my inner self.

[willtimeheal]

Clover528

I reached stalker status earlier this week.  Truthfully thought I was  going to lose it. Even went to the doctors for meds.  Read my post titled ruminating.  The people that posted were awesome and they helped a ton with kids words and suggestions. Maybe their suggestions can help you too.