I was really getting used to normal...

[Bloomer]

So my uBPD h has been doing therapy and working out of a DBT workbook. and his deregulations were down to once a week. Then over the past couple of days, he has had things come up every day.  And now we are in full blown crazy mode. Apparently I'm a vindictive and controlling person now. I know I'm not but I don't know what to do here. I took the car bc I had a dress rehearsal and my rides fell thru. I even offered to bring it back home once I got to the theatre so he knew I didn't do it with vengeance. He was in the shower when I had to leave and was angry at me so I didn't think of asking him to take me. The theatre is close but I had a large bag and not enough time to walk and also didn't want to be sweaty.he didn't respond to my message about finding a way to bring the car home on a break or something. So I didn't. But now he won't admit he should have justsaif yes I need the car bc I should have taken the initiative to just bring it home even tho I didn't know if he needed it or not. What do I do here. I am sitting in the car to take some time away and not listen to his nasty remarks.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bruceli]

I feel for you bloomer... . in the same place right now with pdW.  I'm too smothering, controlling, and of course my favorite one of all... . the good ole your the crazy one not me... .   My NPD/alcoholic friend says so... .

[Wanda]

 you are doing the right thing by sitting in the car so you don't have to listen to his remarks... . enjoy the times he is good, and things are calm. it is good he is in treatment for the BPD i know it takes alot of time to complete, so there is bound to be ups and downs... . all i can say things do get better as time goes on. his deregulation will not last forever even though they seem to.

my husbands use to be non stop all week then they went to twice a week now they are far and few inbetween, due to i leave a lot if i see him getting angry or dis regulated , sometimes i just can't stop them comming... . now he is undiagnoised and over time things got better. so just hang in there... .  

[Grey Kitty]

  Just don't let yourself get sucked into a circular argument or just being berated.

He will calm down sometime.

[Bloomer]

I let him talk when I went back in the house. I tried to go in ready to validate and not JADE. However, I feel like I gave in. I told him I understood how he felt and that I shouldn't have taken the car. I gave up trying to convince him he should have replied to my message about needing the car. He felt trapped by me taking the car, which is a major trigger.

He then talked about how distant I've been and thought it might have to do with our girlfriend coming over the day before and me being jealous with how he was being supportive of her. I really thought I was just overwhelmed in seeing her so distressed and hopeless. However, I've been trying to think about why I've been really not feeling affectionate towards him. I think I resent the fact that when I told him my deep dark secret, that was the start to our relationship hell. It was unforgivable even though it wasn't ruling my life or anything. I deceived him and that was huge. He has since gotten over this but I realized that his acceptance of our girlfriend's alcohol abuse (since she's come out and been seeking treatment immediately for it)  and his ability to support her without issue makes me feel subpar.

I feel like she will always be "better" than me. He will always handle her troubles or his issues with her when she hits a trigger better than he will with me. And I just feel pissed about that. It makes me not want to be near him. And I don't know what to do about this. Can anyone offer suggestions on how to handle these emotions? I'm not seeing a way to wrangle this one myself. I don't think I can talk to him about it.

[Bloomer]

I felt like I should elaborate on parallels between this situation and the one between me and H originally.

I revealed something from my past that had been brought back up. While I had been friends with H (then just my bf) for a while, I never revealed this to him bc I thought it was done with. It was something that was not easy to talk about or bring up for me. When I revealed it, he felt betrayed because he had told me all his secrets and wasn't "bringing any baggage" to our relationship.

Our girlfriend revealed something that had occured in her past that she started to struggle with more severely. Obviously it was hard for her to admit she had a problem and once she did admit it, she was on her way to seeking treatment. H feels that she is doing all she can and doesn't feel upset with her at all for hiding it bc it was naturally hard for her to admit or bring up to people for fear of their reaction... .

So, to me, it was ok for her to be afraid to bring something up and "hide it" and it wasn't ok for me to do it. She gets all this support and I ended up being verbally abused and shamed.

Am I right to feel these things or is this a stretch?

[Grey Kitty]

I wish I had easy answers. I'll start with two tough answers:

All feelings are valid. That includes your feelings about the unfairness of this situation and how hurt you are feeling right now.

In comparison lies madness

I've heard that one attributed to the Buddha. You and your third are not the same. Your H loves both you and her. Trying to rank one against the other will just drive you nuts. You can't always stop making comparisons like that, but at least know that they ultimately aren't very good for your mental health or relationships.

And one last thought about your history with your H regarding revealing the deeply hidden shameful secrets from your respective past.

He is a pwBPD.

You are not.

You have a greater emotional capacity to be supportive of him regarding difficult things like this. That is no more "fair" than the fact that he opened up more completely or sooner to you than you did to him.

But given that he is a pwBPD, he's often not very self-aware of such things, and won't appreciate hearing this "explanation" or the associated JADEing.

My advice is to accept that differences like this exist, and then just try to relate to your H in ways that are constructive and helpful with him and within the emotional range you feel safe with him, and think he can respond well with to you.

Let go of the comparison if you can... . and set your boundaries so you are not verbally abused and shamed. That is something you can do to protect yourself.

It is also a reason to consider how much you want to share with your H in the future. His capacity for empathy and support isn't the same as yours.

  GK

[Bloomer]

I know comparing is awful. It is something I have struggled with my entire life but particularly in this 3-way relationship. I just wish I could understand what in his head isn't a betrayal here and was when I came out to him. I am not sure if I want to open up to him at all about this. I am going to let it sit for a while in order to avoid unnecessary confrontations. I've been better at not allowing him to be emotionally abusive and he has been better at avoiding this behavior. Sometimes, it's more that he's "lecturing" me on my behaviors and it's exhausting and really angering for me.

I am still trying to understand if it is the 3-way relationship that I struggle with or what feels like his inability to treat me equally.

Thanks, Grey Kitty. 

[Grey Kitty]

I am not sure if I want to open up to him at all about this. I am going to let it sit for a while in order to avoid unnecessary confrontations.

I agree with your caution here. It is completely normal for you to *WANT* him to be able to support you here. However if your logical side knows that he doesn't have that capacity right now in this issue, don't set him up to fail like that. 

I am still trying to understand if it is the 3-way relationship that I struggle with or what feels like his inability to treat me equally.

One problem with a 3-way r/s like you have is that it really is a series of different relationships progressing in parallel, and they can't be forced to be equal. Your r/s with 3 is not a mirror of your H's r/s with 3. Expecting it to be so is a recipe for disappointment.

I think that the healthy path is to acknowledge that the different sub-relationships each have a life and direction of their own.

Unfortunately, this may not fit too well with the "rules" you set up when things started out.   And once things have started, you can't just hit the "rewind" button and go back to where it was before, even if you and your H were to end both relationships with 3.

Hmmm... . rather than his ability to treat you equally, I'd worry about his ability to take care of your needs. It would be "fair" if he treated 3 as badly as he treats you, but it won't make your life good!

[arabella]

I'm having some sort of déjà vu here... . I think I've heard, felt, argued all of these things before (regarding my own r/s)!

Can I add a quote too?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Now let me add that I am currently in my own private nightmare watching my H compare me to his GF. And I'm dysregulating all over the place because I can't seem to separate myself from it.  So I don't have any great advice (although I'm all ears if anyone has tips!)

I will suggest that maybe part of the reason that your H is more able to let the incident with 3 slide is that he may not be as emotionally invested. It doesn't hurt so much if she 'deceives' him. So his reaction is proportionately toned down. It may not be that he is more willing forgive - perhaps to him there is just less there to forgive.

But let me go back to the beginning of the thread for a moment... .

I tried to go in ready to validate and not JADE. However, I feel like I gave in. I told him I understood how he felt and that I shouldn't have taken the car. I gave up trying to convince him he should have replied to my message about needing the car. He felt trapped by me taking the car, which is a major trigger.

You understood his feelings. Good. You considered his feelings of being trapped and recognized that as a trigger for him. Excellent. You agreed that you shouldn't have taken the car. Wait - what? I think that's just validating the invalid. You had good reasons to take the car. You tried to be accommodating. He could have replied to your message. Those are facts and you are entitled to hold on to those without 'giving in'. I think next time you could try validating his feelings while not validating his twisted version of the 'facts'. So maybe:

"I understand that you are really upset that I took the car. I can see how that would cause you to feel trapped. I know that is a terrible feeling." Stop. No apology for taking the car.

[Bloomer]

Grey Kitty- That is excellent insight about 3 way relationships and things I understand but are so much harder to "feel"  when your emotions get hold of you.

Can I add a quote too?

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I will suggest that maybe part of the reason that your H is more able to let the incident with 3 slide is that he may not be as emotionally invested. It doesn't hurt so much if she 'deceives' him. So his reaction is proportionately toned down. It may not be that he is more willing forgive - perhaps to him there is just less there to forgive.

You understood his feelings. Good. You considered his feelings of being trapped and recognized that as a trigger for him. Excellent. You agreed that you shouldn't have taken the car. Wait - what? I think that's just validating the invalid. You had good reasons to take the car. You tried to be accommodating. He could have replied to your message. Those are facts and you are entitled to hold on to those without 'giving in'. I think next time you could try validating his feelings while not validating his twisted version of the 'facts'. So maybe:

"I understand that you are really upset that I took the car. I can see how that would cause you to feel trapped. I know that is a terrible feeling." Stop. No apology for taking the car.

Comparison really is bad all around, so I'm going to keep working on not doing that in all life situations.

I know I messed up there. I was just really exhausted and it's so hard in some situations to know what you should say. Next time I'm going to work on not validating things like this. I know it causes issues in the future too. So, it is something I really want to work on.

Update... .

Yesterday I told H that I wanted to talk to my therapist before talking to him about things. I did a better job of being affectionate when I got home and at first he said ok, as long as things aren't strained between us.

We were having a cuddle and he told me he really wanted me to be able to talk to him, that we were married and he wanted me to feel like I could share things. So I told him I didn't want him to get mad. He said he couldn't promise he wouldn't get mad, but he promised he wouldn't fly off the handle.

So, I told him basically what I posted earlier about feeling sad that he wasn't there for me in the same way. He said that what happened to me (sexual abuse) was a trigger for him bc his parents were both sexually abused and, as a result, were not emotionally available to him as a child. He now understands this probably has a lot to do with his BPD, but he didn't know that when everything came up in our relationship. Also, he said our gf  is benefitting from his therapy and DBT work. He said he understands how hurtful that would be for me and went on to tell me how much he regretted the way he reacted and the way he hurt me. He wishes he could do it over again. He said he loves me more than anything and another reason he isn't so upset about gf's issues is bc he doesn't feel protective over her and one of the reasons he was so upset about what happened to me is that he wants to protect me.

This is literally one of the biggest moments on our road to a better marriage. It was the first time he ever admitted that his reaction to what I told him about my past was not OK and that he regretted it. He displayed such empathy and sensitivity that I cried. I guess this is why I stayed, because throughout all the chaos, these moments keep me going. I hope this really is the leap that it feels like in our relationship. It has greatly reduced the resentment I have been carrying around. I feel like a real barrier has been removed from between us.

The work isn't over, but this makes my job much easier. Thanks for making me calm enough to say this to him and sort out my thoughts a bit. I don't know if it would have turned out this way if I hadn't gone home in the right mindset.

 B.

[Grey Kitty]

You both did great last night! Wonderful to hear it.

This is the sort of thing that makes you want to do the hard work you need to do ahead.