Didn't respond to me reaching out on his bday. Typical?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My pwBPD broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. He tends to do this when he dysregulates. His actions in this state of mind go to the extreme. He dropped half my stuff off at my doorstep the day before I left on a trip, and the other half the day I got back. He never really said we are done for good, he's only played the victim and said he's failed and can't do this with me currently. I decided to send him a nice bday card since it was his 30th, and I'm the only one who is close to him. He never acknowledged that or my text. How can I not take it personally?

[Newkate]

My pwBPD broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. He tends to do this when he dysregulates. His actions in this state of mind go to the extreme. He dropped half my stuff off at my doorstep the day before I left on a trip, and the other half the day I got back. He never really said we are done for good, he's only played the victim and said he's failed and can't do this with me currently. I decided to send him a nice bday card since it was his 30th, and I'm the only one who is close to him. He never acknowledged that or my text. How can I not take it personally?

[123Phoebe]

Hi Newkate,

My pwBPD broke up with me, seemingly out of nowhere. He tends to do this when he dysregulates. His actions in this state of mind go to the extreme. He dropped half my stuff off at my doorstep the day before I left on a trip, and the other half the day I got back. He never really said we are done for good, he's only played the victim and said he's failed and can't do this with me currently. I decided to send him a nice bday card since it was his 30th, and I'm the only one who is close to him. He never acknowledged that or my text. How can I not take it personally?

Your pwBPD broke up with you and hasn't acknowledged the bday card or text you sent him since then.  And you are looking for ways to not take it personally?

I'm not quite sure what it is you're asking?  This is very personal and sounds like your feelings around it need to be addressed by you

Being broken up doesn't sound like you're very close   It hurts.  He may not have said specifically "We're done for good", but he has dropped off your belongings, said he can't do this and hasn't responded to your reaching out. 

Have you accepted that you're no longer a couple?

I'm sorry you're going through this... .   Please treat yourself kindly and keep reaching out for support  

 

[Valentina]

Sorry to hear that, Newkate. Maybe you need to spend this time focusing on yourself, rather than on this relationship. Look after your health, and find things that take your mind of things; yoga, exercising, going out with friends, anything that will keep you distracted. Who knows what will happen with this relationship in the future, but now is the perfect time to focus on finding things that make you happy. Take care. 

[patientandclear]

Kate, are you asking how you can avoid feeling personally rejected?  (Having read your backstory, I understand that it may not be clear whether he is gone for good, since he has done this before and returned.)

I think the answer is that you read, read, read on here about virtually identical patterns, and realize that pwBPD leave suddenly days, maybe even hours, after proclaiming eternal, undying love for their partner -- sometimes never to be seen or heard from again, sometimes to be heard from but in ways that cannot be reconciled logically with all that came before.

I know you've been on the site for a while, but dipping into the Leaving board for just a little bit gives you access to that same story over, and over.  It is not personal.  It is about the fear and mistrust that pwBPD feel toward a person (us) in a position to cause them great hurt, because they expect great hurt to come from such people, because it did before, when they were at a critical stage of forming expectations about what the world has in store for them.  They are expecting to be disappointed, if that makes sense -- grievously, horribly disappointed.  If you don't disappoint for a while, the stakes are just that much higher, and the chances you will disappoint just around the corner get that much more intolerable for them.  It is truly a no-win situation -- you cannot win by good performance because in a strange way, that just makes their fear and mistrust worse.

I think it is extreme behavior like what your pwBPD is engaged in that is the very proof of disorder that should help you to take it less personally.  Non-disordered people don't behave in this way.

The anxiety & shame many of us feel as a result of being treated this way is a real mind-bender.  I believe the reaction is a trauma reaction and not completely susceptible to us reasoning it out.  But to the extent that reason can help, read here.  If you haven't read 2010's posts, they may be illuminating for you -- she explains very thoughtful the inevitable trap of a BPD r/s in which, no matter what you do, you "fail."

[danley]

We broke up a month prior to my bday. We had plans and everything. But I knew it wasn't gonna happen but still felt crappy. He told me happy birthday and I felt good but sad thinking about the plans that would never happen. I was glad he even remembered as during this time he was hot and cold towards me.

A month later his bday came and I had spent the whole year gathering a collection of movies hehad been searching for. I struggled on whether or not to give it to him but I did despite his behavior of loving me then hating me. I gave him a card and told him I'd gibe him the movies before I left work. He was all giddy and smiling when I gave him the card.  He was appreciative and said he couldn't wait to open the gift. Well a few hours later I give him the gift and he acts all down and angry but tells me thanks. The next day he tells me he can't take the gift and to take it back. I told him to stop being silly but if he wanted he could give it away or give it to me so I could give it to someone else. I dropped the subject and forgot about it. Weeks later he comes to work and showing me clips related to all the DVDs I had given him.

If you ask me, my ex probably felt guilty that I had given him a gift. It wasn't meant that way. But that's how he usually gets. I think it was also because he was all over the place with his emotions and feelings towards me. During the week before his bday is when he wanted me to go away because he needed to prove to himself that I was bad. And anything nice was bad.

I don't know how things are between you and your ex. But know that you were being kind and had good intentions. Some people don't take compliments or nice gestures well. And when It's a fresh breakup he could think that you're trying to win him back and maybe that's not how he wants to feel right now. Don't take it personal. I know It's hard not to. But be true to yourself and maybe somewhere down the line your gestures will be appreciated. Maybe not by your ex but by someone else who can see you and your kindness as a positive.

[RedCandle]

What's that saying?

Hurt people... . hurt people

I'm always told on these boards that BPD sufferers are constantly... . hurting.

Whether for their own shame and guilt or because of things the rest of the world does.

Hardly a justification... . but, I would guess that he's not responding because... . he continues to hurt... . and he knows that not responding... . dilutes the hurt by putting some of it on you.

[rosannadanna]

Hi newkate,

He has sent a clear message that he doesn't want interaction right now.

I decided to send him a nice bday card since it was his 30th, and I'm the only one who is close to him.

You crossed his boundary of not wanting interaction and he is sticking to his boundary by not responding.  I used to do this stuff, too.  It's codependent compulsion to control the other person/the outcome.  It's also a codependent assumption that he only has one person who is close to him (you) and therefore he needs a bday card from you.

More than likely, he is capable of figuring out his stuff.  I use the word "capable" very loosely, b/c BPD's tend to resolve problems with external stuff rather than with internal ability to self-soothe (even hermits to a degree).  But however he chooses to figure his stuff out, he has asked for space to do it.  He needs to do it on his own.

Give him space.  Leave him alone.  The more you pursue, the more he will distance, anyway.  No matter what you do to try to change the outcome, you will be frustrated and disappointed.

I am really sorry to sound so harsh.  I had to tell myself the same things and eventually after reaching a point that seemed massochistic, I finally left him alone and looked for peace within.

Take care.

[123Phoebe]

Newkate, I agree with what rosannadanna has to say... .

One of the things many of us on this site fall into, is the trap of focusing entirely on the pwBPD; why they did this, what this other thing meant, they said what(?), does this mean such and such(?) etc etc etc... .  It's a great diversion from ourselves, thinking about them and the disorder.

What I personally found very interesting, is that focusing on other people's problems/issues was easier than addressing my own.  It's been a way of life for me, starting out with my FOO.  And I suppose I still do it to an extent, or I wouldn't be here at bpdfamily.com

I agree with other posters also, that BPD behaviors needn't be taken personally, per se'... .  The feelings those behaviors bring up in us... . those are deeply personal and need to be addressed or we'll carry them into future relationships.

Reaching out to your exbf on his birthday wasn't necessarily wrong or a bad thing to do, so try not to beat yourself up over it.  If you keep reaching out while getting no response from him... . would that be his disorder at work or non-acceptance on your part?  Non-acceptance leads to suffering, something that he cannot be blamed for, as his non-response speaks volumes.  :)oes that make sense?

All of the feelings his non-response conjures up in you are yours.  They need to be tended to with TLC.  They are deeply personal.  He cannot be expected to ease these feelings.

If he were to come back around declaring his love for you, would you jump right back into the relationship?  Would it be a typical behavioral pattern that's already been established if he broke up with you out of the blue again?

Would you take his behavior personally?  Would you take your feelings seriously?

Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does this sort of thing?

 

Until we get to the root of why we're involved in a relationship of this nature, we can expect a lot of

Acceptance of BPD being a bona fide disorder and acceptance of ourselves (and why we do the things we do ) is key to living a more healthy fulfilling life

[danley]

Here's something my ex would tell me once in a while. He used to tell me that it made him feel guilty that I was so nice and he couldn't be as nice or do so much for me. He appreciated me and all the stuff I did but it made him feel unworthy. He felt like it was too much because he couldn't always reciprocate. I understand this. And Although I would tell him it was OK and didn't want him to feel obligated. But he had a hard time with accepting it.

He's probably needing time to process all the havoc going on in his head. Give yourself some time to yourself too.

[motherof1yearold]

You must understand that there is a power and control dynamic. You reached out first, with card & birthday text, he felt in control by not responding.

You also validated that he is a 'worthy' 'good person' who deserves a birthday card and acknowledgement from you.