Received an apology.

[recoil]

Never thought this would happen -- as I'm sure is the case with many posters here.

"I feel really bad about myself.  And for what it is worth, I'm so sorry."

To me, this is the best closure I'm going to get from her.  It's funny that this comes about three weeks after I gave myself closure and permission to move forward.

They have great timing. 

Anyway, it's easy to see why she reached out.  It's her first sentence.

[GreenMango]

It's good you see this with some clarity.  I agree that first sentence says a lot.

It's about capacity - this is her capacity.   Once you know thatit makes it easier to make decisions on what you need or want - because that's your capacity.

Hang in there 

[Cooper10]

I got the same five months after the fiery end.   It was about two sentences longer.   Equally dismal and defeated.  Equally lacking in concrete detail or promises of change.  Equally... . just... . sad.  On some level I always knew an apology was coming, but I needed so much more.  I didn't respond, but when I ran into my ex by complete coincidence later the same week, it became clear how upset I still was and ultimately led to another recycle.  Things ended more painfully than before, but in many ways I needed that last round to finally detach.   I don't know what, if anything, to expect going forward.  Maybe that was the end at last.

How are you feeling? When was the last time you spoke? Do you plan to respond?

[bpdspell]

It's about capacity - this is her capacity. 

I needed to read that cause it's something I tend to forget about capacity... . I forget about someone else's ability to do something... .

Sometimes we feel that because WE are capable of something that others should be as well.

Spell

[bpdspell]

"I feel really bad about myself.  And for what it is worth, I'm so sorry."

You're absolutely right about the first sentence. I think it's a true blind spot for us to comprehend how much they really hate and loathe themselves. If they didn't hate themselves they wouldn't abuse and treat others the way they do. They treat us bad because it's a reflection of how they feel about themselves on the inside.

I hope this apology gives you a semblance of peace.

Spell

[GreenMango]

I took me a long time to get to the point where I could see the attempts at connection differently. 

Part of acceptance and moving on was letting go of the detailed explanations of BPD and just looking at what this person does and what I need/want.

When I think back , for me because we each are different points where sometimes this stuff still hits a nerve, there was a huge gap in our needs and values.  Our capacity mismatch was huge, our value mismatch was huge, and how we got what we needed was huge.

I don't agree with how mine handled things - at all.  He didn't agree how I handled things.  Neither of us had the capacity to be what the other needed.  And it came out sideways all over the place.  The hardest part was accepting this and letting go. 

[Phoenix.Rising]

  recoil,

It must be difficult receiving a message from her.  It would be for me!  What are you doing to take care of yourself?

[tailspin]

recoil,

An apology is great if that's indeed what it is.  From my experience with my ex... . an apology was only another way to manipulate me into feeling sorry for him.  Words are easy; actions take effort.

"I feel really bad about myself" isn't the same thing as saying "I feel really bad about what I did to you."  Who is she apologizing to and what is she apologizing for?  I hope this does help with your closure regardless.

tailspin

[recoil]

I tell you, reading The Buddha and the Borderline really made me see things from her perspective.

If I looked at the text for what "I wanted", I would be filled with false hope.  If I look at the text from her perspective, I see it in a completely different light.

I work for the same company, so I did respond in a pleasant, albeit very neutral way.  I don't expect to hear anything from her soon -- but I know I will in time. 

I'm living my life.  I have moved on to other things.  While this has made me think of her more frequently over the past couple of days, it doesn't change my view/resolve/understanding.  I posted this event so others could see what could be in store for them in the future and not to get sucked in by it.

[GreenMango]

 . Good for you - stepping out of the role of soothing her.

[Cooper10]

Neither of us had the capacity to be what the other needed.  And it came out sideways all over the place.  The hardest part was accepting this and letting go. 

Wow.  I need to remember this.  This is the hardest lesson of the relationship.  I wanted so badly to believe that I could fix it and that I could be what he needed even if he couldn't do the same.  This is so humbling.  It kind of makes me want to apologize.

[winston72]

Recoil, may I ask you to expand on this comment of yours.  I would like to understand this better.

Thank you.

I tell you, reading The Buddha and the Borderline really made me see things from her perspective.

If I looked at the text for what "I wanted", I would be filled with false hope.  If I look at the text from her perspective, I see it in a completely different light.

[winston72]

Cooper10, I find this so hard to grasp and humbling as well.  I have a strong presumption that my desire to fix "us" and my willingness to bend myself into whatever shape was necessary to "make the relationship work" are powerful expressions of true love... . and they just are not!  Ugh.  What a painful collision of assumption and reality.  I think a lot of my pain from all of this has been the crumbling of my view of myself.  What I thought were noble, healthy attributes turned out to have some troublesome dimensions.  My "failure" (quotes to highlight my skewed views on what was happening) to "make her happy" and to save the relationship really crushed my sense of self.  It invalidated me. 

Painful... . but an event of creative destructiion.

[seeking balance]

I tell you, reading The Buddha and the Borderline really made me see things from her perspective.

If I looked at the text for what "I wanted", I would be filled with false hope.  If I look at the text from her perspective, I see it in a completely different light.

I work for the same company, so I did respond in a pleasant, albeit very neutral way.  I don't expect to hear anything from her soon -- but I know I will in time. 

I'm living my life.  I have moved on to other things.  While this has made me think of her more frequently over the past couple of days, it doesn't change my view/resolve/understanding.  I posted this event so others could see what could be in store for them in the future and not to get sucked in by it.

Wise words Recoil.

That same book helped me look at this all through a more kind lens while giving myself the necessary space for my own grief.

Congrats on acting in your own value system while maintaining a realistic perspective