I have no joy in my life

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

My husband has been interesting lately, he's still trying to get better but at the same time he is still driving me insane. It occurred to me the other day that I have nothing that I look forward to. There is nothing in my future that I feel excited about and actually we may be buying a house soon, shouldn't I feel happy about that? I feel so drained emotionally and things haven't been terrible, stressful but not terrible. I feel like I'm on autopilot just going through the motions of life because I have to. I try to take time for myself when I can. I Read on a regular basis, thank goodness for books, because it relaxes me and takes my mind off of life in general. My favorite time of the day is when I go to sleep at night and it's never for as long as I wish it was, I get 8 hours a night usually too. Am I depressed maybe? I feel burnt out on just everything, I feel like I can't make decisions either. I need a very long vacation with just my dogs by my side, their silence is refreshing but that won't happen. I've always been able to self sooth and have always been more comfortable alone rather than around other people. I haven't had a day to myself in 8 years. My husband is dBPD among a million other things, he likes to complain, he likes to talk. I'm not a talker, I am a listener but honestly I would love being in a comfortable silence with him. No need to talk all the dang time. How do I get the joy back in my life? 

[Cloudy Days]

My husband has been interesting lately, he's still trying to get better but at the same time he is still driving me insane. It occurred to me the other day that I have nothing that I look forward to. There is nothing in my future that I feel excited about and actually we may be buying a house soon, shouldn't I feel happy about that? I feel so drained emotionally and things haven't been terrible, stressful but not terrible. I feel like I'm on autopilot just going through the motions of life because I have to. I try to take time for myself when I can. I Read on a regular basis, thank goodness for books, because it relaxes me and takes my mind off of life in general. My favorite time of the day is when I go to sleep at night and it's never for as long as I wish it was, I get 8 hours a night usually too. Am I depressed maybe? I feel burnt out on just everything, I feel like I can't make decisions either. I need a very long vacation with just my dogs by my side, their silence is refreshing but that won't happen. I've always been able to self sooth and have always been more comfortable alone rather than around other people. I haven't had a day to myself in 8 years. My husband is dBPD among a million other things, he likes to complain, he likes to talk. I'm not a talker, I am a listener but honestly I would love being in a comfortable silence with him. No need to talk all the dang time. How do I get the joy back in my life? 

[Cumulus]

How sad that such an exciting thing as buying a new house doesn't bring you joy. I wondered when I read that if it is because you are thinking of buying a house and not a home? Is there any way you can get away with the dogs for a weekend? Sometimes just the break in routine can help. I wish I had a good answer for you on how to find joy once again. 

[Leaf]

Cloudy Days, you must be so exhausted. I once had a ten year relationship with someone (not my BPD ex) who talked all the time about the same three things he didn't seem to be able to get over and it was so tiring to be with him. I just couldn't hear myself think anymore and it was as if my whole life had a negative voice-over. And I couldn't try and turn it off because then the voice would only get angrier. My next bf (high-functioning uBPD/NPD-ex) didn't talk much but made me a nervous wreck in a zillion other ways. I can only imagine what effect the combination of the two must have on your nerves and your happiness.

I've been on the Leaving-board mostly and I always notice myself getting a bit angry when I wander to the Staying-board and read about all the tactics we're supposed to use to make the other person feel better about themselves and that we shouldn't take it personally and that we should take good care of ourselves to be able to keep it up. Because I don't see how you can keep living like that without going numb yourself, without gradually shutting down your own feelings and thus becoming immune to joy as well.

It sounds like you really need to get a larger piece of the cake to survive in this relationship as a full human being. Maybe superhumans can do it, but I think for humans it's not healthy if they can't express anger and sadness and other emotions, it's like living in a straitjacket. How can you feel joy when you're in a straitjacket?

Some space/silence to unwind when you come home from work is not much to ask for. Maybe an hour of limited talk (plus affectionate body language) could be a firm boundary to start with. It can't be all about how you should have responded to him so he won't etc. That's no way to live. It must also be about how you feel and what you want so you can get your feelings back and start feeling joy again. You can learn to dance in the rain, but you shouldn't do it too long or you'll get pneumonia. So I hope the sun will shine for you, Cloudy Days. You really need it.  

[Cloudy Days]

Well, it will be my home. I've always wanted my own home. I'm very creative and I have plans galore that I plan on doing, trust me once I get that chance I will probably perk up. That's why I'm sort of at a loss. It's going to be awhile but I wouldn't be surprised if we moved before the end of the year. I should be looking forward to it. Maybe that is a . But it's not even really that, I know that I will have some joy once it happens. There really is no way to get away for now or I would have done it. I'm sick of having responsibilities and being the only person accountable for anything. I cried the other day thinking how I would love to be a teenager again with no responsibility. I hated being a teen, I was picked on and had terrible friends and my family fought all the time. So that says something. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders even though nothing is really under my control at all except for me and how I feel and I just feel numb, I usually have major anxiety issues too and again like I said I just feel numb. My husband has been getting pretty mad at me because I seem uncaring or unsupportive. I don't blame him, I feel uncaring and not supportive, I'm not exactly in the mood for it and haven't been for awhile.

Leaf, I was actually writing this before you posted. You are right, I am just getting numb. I haven't been dancing, I've been drowning. I've been waiting to get this home to bring some of my happiness back, hoping that some space will pump some life back into my life (we plan to move to the country). I'm not superhuman and I have so much anger and sadness that I can't ever express, I've regretted it every time I do it. You have given me a simple plan at least. I'm going to figure out how to get some quiet time, whether he is with me or not. Talking ruins everything if you ask me... .

[Grey Kitty]

Hmmm... . the lack of interest in buying a house. I've got a somewhat out-of-the-blue question about it:

Do you think that taking on a large financial commitment shared with your H in a difficult marriage feels wrong to you now?

[Leaf]

I'm not superhuman and I have so much anger and sadness that I can't ever express, I've regretted it every time I do it.

Cloudy Days, what I've learned in the aftermath of my relationship with BPD/NPDxbf is that I put up with way too much because I used his traumatic background as an excuse for his controlling behaviour. I saw later that he was aware of this mechanism himself and consciously or unconsciously used it to his advantage. Now you're drowning Cloudy Days, maybe it can be helpful if I share some of the things I became aware of after the relationship with my PDx.

I just recently realized my rather normal but talkative ex before him was beginning to develop some milder control tactics in the later years. It became clear to me that if a problem of his was solved he would just expand his complaining about other things. It was a waterbed effect. In the end, when I really didn't want to listen to it anymore he began getting angry and he tried to make me insecure. In hindsight I put up with more than I should have because I was sorry for him he was so frustrated and depressed. But with him it was easy to stand my ground, because there was no traumatic bonding involved. I had enough of an "If you don't like my terms then leave" attitude.

With my BPD/NPD ex it was a different story. Because of traumatic bonding I stayed with him for three years despite his abusive behaviour. Because of the trauma bond I just couldn't imagine being without him. By now I know that leaving was also very difficult because of a promise the relationship held for me. The promise has to do with fixing a core wound from my youth, which reinforced the trauma bonding. I was projecting my core wound onto him (I recognized that in him) and was trying to fix him so he would give me what I lacked when I was little (and that was peanuts compared to other people, I always thought I had a pretty normal childhood).

The core wound has something to do with not feeling lovable because my mother didn't make me feel that way and trying to gain love by being a good girl, by doing things. I was trying to correct that in adulthood by this relationship with PDx, still thinking that if I was a good girl en did things I would get the love I craved in the end. But my PDx is a lot less capable of loving than my mother is and the big difference is: now I'm grown up I can leave if I don't like it. Only it didn't feel that way. It felt as if leaving was just as impossible as leaving my mother at two years old.

Cloudy Days, it's not entirely impossible that something like that is going on with you as well. I didn't believe in it at first, it took me a while to bring it to the surface.

What I also realized after my BPD-relationship is that the controlling behaviour and the excuse for that behaviour are two different things. There's a fine line between the need for validation/reassurance/love and the need to control your partner. Whether there is an 'he was traumatized' excuse or not, the impact on us is the same. Or worse, because we think we should put up with too much and be strong because we think he 'can't help it'. I found it very useful to look into controlling behaviours away from the context of personality disorders. In the book 'Why does he do that?' Lundy Bancroft explains the tactics controlling men use and how they think and that they're not eager to stop this behaviour because of the many benefits. I found it very enlightening.

[P.F.Change]

Am I depressed maybe?

The feelings you describe do sound consistent with depression. Do you have a therapist you could ask, or have you considered talking with your doctor about it?

I need a very long vacation with just my dogs by my side... . I haven't had a day to myself in 8 years.

Everyone needs a break now and then. What is preventing you from looking after this need? What would happen if you took a day off and spent it on your own?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[Clearmind]

I was unhappy in my relationship – I placed so much importance on him that I forgot about me. We were deeply enmeshed because I didn’t trust him or myself / no clear identities or separate limits or boundaries from one another.

Are you able to get out and do things on your own a bit more. Even sit in a coffee shop for a while and have some time to think about what you want? We all need time apart to create some separateness.

Do you have moments when you think to yourself "I should be more productive", "I should be doing x, y, z", "I should sleep less", "I should talk more", "I should be available for when Hubby needs me"... .

Who are you Cloudy Days when you are not being a wife?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I understand what you mean. It almost feels like they have to make it their mission to squeeze all the joy from our lives to compensate for that black hole that exists inside them now and then. Then the next day, act as if yesterday didn't even exist, make some totally inappropriate and hurtful joke and act annoyed because we don't have a sense of humour at present.

I realise why I don't have much joy in my life right now, it is because I have been abused frequently for 3 or so years, and also been his emotional dumping ground, (therapist) as well.

We all know it is never going to be a two way equal relationship street here and there can be no joy in that for any of us, in the end.

[Cloudy Days]

Unfortunately I don't have a therapist, my husband is seeing one and it basically costs a small fortune for him to go. I can tell a difference in him when he doesn't go too so I would like him to keep going. I get time to myself on the weekend because my husband stays up all night and sleeps all day. I'm not a social person so I never feel the need to go and visit with people.There is one thing I would like to do more and my husband keeps me from doing it. Not because he doesn't want me to but because my craft room is in the room that he sleeps. So it prevents me from doing it unless he is awake and actually it's also his music room so if I want time to myself that ruins that too. I am hoping that a new home will give me my own space as far as a room that I can work my magic in. Art has always been my emotional release and I haven't been able to do it for awhile because of the space. I have been reading lately while he sleeps, If it's not too hot I go outside and it's super relaxing. I'm actually in quite a good mood today, even though this week is a particularly stressful week and the weekend wasn't peachy either. somehow I have a better outlook this morning. I hope I can keep it that way.

[Surnia]

Cloudy days

Good to hear you had a better day. 

I think its time for you to look for some space for you. Perhaps you can do each day something fot you... . like reading a bit in silence or walking with your dogs... .

Do you know Moodgym? https://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

Its not the same like a own T, but it can give some inputs and it is for free.