When I love someone, I CONSIDER them. I consider their feelings. I consider them in my choices. I choose my words carefully. I think about them before I do things, and I choose not to do things that would hurt them.
... . My ex BPD bf told me he loved me. But his actions never showed it.
Well that's the thing Candance. You are not him and you are not mentally ill; he is.
People with BPD lack empathy. It's a part of the disorder of narcissism. Do not get caught up in the "if I can do it... . he can do it" emotional trap. It's very tempting to believe that they are capable of changing their hardwired core with the ease of turning on a lamp but this is not true.
He is not you and thankfully you are not him. Mentally ill people have a history, a narrative and a childhood that have shaped them to be the persons that they are today. When we come into the picture we tend to focus on what's in front of us instead of
the history of this person. We focus on what we feel we need from the person instead of accepting the totality of the person.
He behaves this way because it is how he has learned to survive and live his entire life... . way before you came into the picture. You are taking his behavior personal because you want him to love you the way you crave to be loved. The truth is that he behaves this way because he's sick and you will have to learn to accept that and make a better choice for yourself.
He is not the one for you because he is hurting you. If you stay he will continue to hurt you because his disorder is in control of him. Your love cannot change HIM.
They say they love us but their disorder will make their words feel empty. Our challenge is accepting that their capacity to meet the needs of others is limited.
I thought I could teach my ex how to love me because I desperately believed that I could fix him and model to him how to love me. That is our way of trying to be in control so that we can be loved and it doesn't work because love cannot fix a mental illness.
Spell