uBPD mom's hoarding tendencies

[mlle24]

My mom has always been messy. Always been disorganized. Always been a little unclean also. Dirty dishes piled up past the point of molding, then she made me do them when u was a kid.  I can't count how many times i cleaned/organized her craft/computer room. Not only did i do it when i lived with her through high school, but she sucked me into doing it in college and as an adult. (FOG).

My grandmother passed away last year and my mom moved her gigantic hoard into my grandma's house. No clean up. No estate sale. Just junk on top of junk.

She has tried to bribe me to clean her house. The problem with that is that "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior". She has never kept something I've cleaned/organized for her clean or organized for more than 72 hours.

All i want to do is hire someone to do it so i can stop feeling guilty about it. But I'm beyond broke. Hardly even have money for groceries. Let alone 3-4K for a hoarding cleanup service. She's asked me to go to her house when a goodwill type company can pick up her stuff for donation-keep in mind i don't get many hours at my Job and what i do get i need to pay my share of the bills with me & my bf. It's like she thinks my income doesn't matter, like she thinks the things i have to do to survive aren't as important.

I cannot justify cleaning her house by myself but i don't have anyone who will help me for free, i don't want my bf involved in it bc he's already done stuff for her. She's pushed all of her friends away who might have helped (bc all of then put in long hours moving her hit from one cluttered house into an even more cluttered house, all without a thank you or anything).

Idk what to do. I owe her money and this is how she wants me to pay her back: labor. Brutal cleaning and organizing that i know is only going to last hours.

I used to live with my grandma and i has a rule with her that i would clean: as in vacuum, dust, scrub floors, sweep, etc. but i would not declutter bc i knew it wouldn't last and that made me feel disrespected and like i had wasted my time doing it for nothing. I want to set the same boundary with my mom but i sort of already agreed to help. I wish i hadn't and now i don't know what to do. I don't have that much extra time to spend cleaning and clearing it her house. What do i do? Mind you i live 20+ miles away and don't enjoy coming here because it makes me angry, disappointed, embarrassed, and resentful. She's lucky enough to have a house and have the ability to buy things. I don't. I make less than $200/wk. She's just wasting her life hating it bc her house is a mess, but that's something you can fix. It's not a terminal illness. I understand being overwhelmed. I'm overwhelmed by it and i don't live in it. What do i do?

-sorry for any typos,.I'm on my cell phone.

[GeekyGirl]

From what I understand, hoarding is a kind of OCD, and sometimes people who hoard don't really fully understand the impact it can have on their lives and how disruptive it can be for their loved ones. It must be especially frustrating to see that she doesn't take care of her house and belongings.

I don't blame you for not wanting to clean your mother's house--from what you've said, it's a huge task, on top of the feelings of obligation you're likely experiencing.

If you feel like you need to repay your mother, what's the best way to do it? If paying her back with money isn't an option right now, that's ok, but what else could you do to repay her and not feel like you've been disrespected? If cleaning isn't ok, maybe there's something else you can do instead; run errands, walk her dog, or something else that would be mutually beneficial.

[mlle24]

The problem is, geeky girl, that with the house the way it is--I don't want to go over to do anything with her; let alone for her.  It's beyond overwhelming to walk into that house and know what a disaster it is.  I would love to take just about everything in there and throw it out/give it away.  But doing so would take so much time. I hardly have time in my life to do the things I want to do. Let alone the things that she doesn't bother doing for herself. I'm 26. I live with my boyfriend. I clean my own house. I'm not great at remembering to do so often, but I don't let clutter pile up like she does.  And when I do, I want to find someone to punch me.  I hate the tendencies I have as a result of my mother's inability to take care of what seems like to be anything.

[ScarletOlive]

Hey mlle24,

That is a predicament. I understand not wanting to clean your mother's house. It would be a huge job.

Can you pay your mom back via errands or jobs like GeekyGirl suggested, but on the weekend or on a few evenings a week? Maybe cleaning her house isn't best for you both. One thing to consider is that you both are adults. It is not your responsibility, duty, or obligation to clean her house. You may have to pay her back, but there are many ways you can do that without decluttering a hoard. Can you suggest to your mother some jobs that you can do, and perhaps add that she could hire a company to clean out the worst of the mess?