Rejection, abandonment, shame. All those. Absolutely.
yeah, those are hard to process.
I found it helpful to work this a therapist so I could dive into those in a safe way and process them - do you have a T of your own?
I did use breaking up with him to manipulate him. This was after hours of hours of being HARASSED about my imagined infidelities. Hours. And hours.
I thought maybe it would make him see the light and he would stop misbehaving(I made the mistake of calling it that to his face... . what is one to thing when their partner flips out over absolutely nothing? That they are making problems for the sake of making problems.
So, forgive yourself - you did the best you could with what you knew. The bigger picture item to look at is perhaps why when a person didn't meet your needs or broke your boundaries, why did you think you were not valuable enough to walk away from such poor treatment? This is a great therapy question too.
I wasn't serious about breaking up in hindsight. There was just no rationalizing with him. It was the only thing I could do to make space.
We don't get a "do-over" often. And the thing is, pwBPD they have a tendency to set us up to abandon them (real or perceived remember). I played the, "if this doesn't change, I want a divorce card too" - in the moment, it seems like our last straw of letting them know our seriousness. In reality of BPD, we totally pushed an already vulnerable abandonment button. Forgive yourself, we did the best we could.
NC is a tool. I know. And it is for the best. I am almost thankful that he is the stronger one and can maintain it. I am not so strong.
NC is not about strength, it is about discipline.
It is no different than losing weight or training for a marathon. You will be tired, you won't feel like it all the time - but you find strength in other areas to maintain your own discipline. If you want to be inspired - be your own inspiration. It is how we rebuild our self worth.
Nobody says you have to go NC by the way. It is a tool to detach so you can emotionally balance - if that tool doesn't work for you right now - find another one that does so you don't attach so much shame to yourself. Eventually, most of us find that we need NC or we simply don't let go totally and process totally and it is not healthy for us or them.
I accept my part in this in that my underlying hope was that I could heal him. Take him under my wing and mother him. Connect with his darkness and heal together. I feel so wrong and stupid now.
So, you were kind - how is that stupid? It might be a bit of magical thinking, but heck, we watch Disney long enough we think that is real... . and sometimes, it is.
BPD is not Disney - now that you know that, how can you forgive yourself and find value in you?