Mother with BPD

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I strongly suspect that my mother has BPD.  She has always been a difficult person to be around.  Growing up, my mother would explode, yell and scream at my dad, causing him to be a nervous wreck.  After exploding, she would be fine, while for the rest of us, it would take us a while to calm down, get back to "normal".  She was the boss of the family, being domineering.  I don't ever remember my mother apologizing for anything she said or did (that was hurtful).  Having looked at her mother (my grandmother), I firmly believe that her mother had BPD.  My mother could care less what others think of her.  I have seen her explode with her friends, causing one woman (a house guest in her home) to turn beet red (and this woman was in her 70's or 80's at the time), just because she was tired of hearing this friend's stories being repeated over and over again.  She doesn't care about whether she hurts people's feelings.  In fact, I don't recall my mother ever talking about feelings, ours or hers.  Once, during a family gathering, my mother insulted her oldest grandson (who is an adult), and when I confronted her about this, the fact that she was rude and that her words were hurtful, she didn't care.  Somehow, it was okay for her to say what she said, that this grandson deserved to be yelled at.  Her sense of reality is off, not perceiving things accurately.  I'd like to learn how parents who have BPD impact their children.  I feel like people who have BPD affect you mentally (in a negative way), although they might not physically hurt you.  The abuse that you witnessed or experienced stays with you, even into adulthood. 

[twinklygirl]

I strongly suspect that my mother has BPD.  She has always been a difficult person to be around.  Growing up, my mother would explode, yell and scream at my dad, causing him to be a nervous wreck.  After exploding, she would be fine, while for the rest of us, it would take us a while to calm down, get back to "normal".  She was the boss of the family, being domineering.  I don't ever remember my mother apologizing for anything she said or did (that was hurtful).  Having looked at her mother (my grandmother), I firmly believe that her mother had BPD.  My mother could care less what others think of her.  I have seen her explode with her friends, causing one woman (a house guest in her home) to turn beet red (and this woman was in her 70's or 80's at the time), just because she was tired of hearing this friend's stories being repeated over and over again.  She doesn't care about whether she hurts people's feelings.  In fact, I don't recall my mother ever talking about feelings, ours or hers.  Once, during a family gathering, my mother insulted her oldest grandson (who is an adult), and when I confronted her about this, the fact that she was rude and that her words were hurtful, she didn't care.  Somehow, it was okay for her to say what she said, that this grandson deserved to be yelled at.  Her sense of reality is off, not perceiving things accurately.  I'd like to learn how parents who have BPD impact their children.  I feel like people who have BPD affect you mentally (in a negative way), although they might not physically hurt you.  The abuse that you witnessed or experienced stays with you, even into adulthood. 

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, twinklygirl, and 

While no one here can diagnose your Mom, what you describe does at least sound like the traits exhibited by the loved ones of the people who post here... . I've got a few links that may shed some light on what you are talking about:

The Symptoms and Diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder [NEW]

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

BPD BEHAVIORS: Waif, Hermit, Queen, and Witch

I, myself, do not have a Mom with BPD, but my Husband's Mom undoubtedly is just like your Mom, and I do know what she's been like for the last 42 years of my own life! That behavior stinks, and does affect everyone around her. You are right; the abuse you witnessed does stay with you. Since I've known my MIL, I've seen and heard verbal and emotional abuse (to myself, my Husband, and all his siblings), and it is hard to see my MIL as a "normal" person... . and very hard to love her like I feel I should.

The interesting thing is that since I've started posting and reading on this site, and applying the communication tools I've learned here, my relationship with her has improved more than I'd ever have expected. TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth is a really good start. Another thing is that reading here, and also reading "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" by Valerie Porr, has helped me to see her differently.

She didn't ask for this disorder, and she is (now that I understand it) obviously in a lot of pain. And you are so right: "Her sense of reality is off, not perceiving things accurately." And if you think of that, it really is not her fault that she doesn't see the world like we do... . Knowing that this is all part of BPD has helped me have compassion for her, and I deal with her differently now~~which causes her to deal with me differently back... . Things have actually gotten better between us.

I'm hoping that the links I've given you answers some of your questions; if you keep reading here and posting your story and asking more questions, I think you will find that knowledge is the first step in making things better   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi twinklygirl!



I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. I'm glad though that you found us. You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice

Rapt Reader gave you some great links to look at, I think they will be very helpful.

What's the rest of your family's relationship with your mother like?

What happened recently that brought you here?

Keep posting, it really does help!

[zone out]

Hi Twinklygirl

You have reached a good place by joining this site - there is lots of good advice, workshops, articles etc and it is great to know you are not alone in what you are going through with your mum.  As you read the posts you will see that so many of us have incredibly similar experiences.  You are so right in your comment that growing up with a uBPD/BPD affects us into adulthood.  I for one have a very hypervigilent nature, always jumpy - always 'reading' people's expressions etc - this is quite a common thing as is the phone phobia!

I only joined the site last month and although I have not quite got round to the boundaries yet, I have been swotting up on SET etc - I'm working on it!  I think we can be so 'ground down' over the years - I have been 'conditioned' to react to mother's needs/moods to such an extent I had to sit down and consider what my own needs and values actually are.

It's almost a relief to realize that there is a condition which accounts for these scary outbursts - with guidance there is a way forward.

I wish you well Twinklygirl

Zone out

[twinklygirl]

Thank you for your responses.  I plan to search this website, learning more about the disorder and how loved ones can be affected by the person having BPD.  My mother is now in her late 80's, living in an assisted living facility.  She has five children, all of us loving her, but, not understanding her.  There have been plenty of times when we have been totally fed up with our mother, exasperated by her outbursts.  It helps to know that she can't help how she is, not perceiving reality correctly.  I want to know how I can change for the better.  Again, thanks for the replies.     

[zone out]

Hi Twinklygirl

My mother is a similar age - uBPD.  I have wondered for so long what was wrong with her - cutting out articles etc about difficult mothers and stashing them away, feeling guilty for doing so - even marking smiley/cross faces on a calendar to see if there was a pattern.  At one stage I even wondered if there was something wrong with my memory/interpretation of events.  She could have two completely different reactions to two identical events - one day she would take it in her stride and another time she would suddenly be totally enraged. I always tried to make the most of the times when she was in good form hoping that it would encourage better behavior (sound more like I am talking about a toddler - but there is a definite similarity between the presentation of BPD rage and a toddler tantrum). In any case my encouragement didn't work - I don't think she has any control over the descent of 'the red mist'.

I'm not sure how easy it will be to work on her with SET etc. There is a very true expression about old dogs and new tricks.  She finishes most rages with trying to twist some blame around to me -"you will have to live the rest of your life with the guilt that you have killed your mother" - that kind of ends the possibility of any further interaction, I cannot get a word in when she is raging.  She occasionally says things like 'I don't know why I think the way I do' etc - it is really very sad but I think trying to get a diagnosis now would probably be too upsetting for her.

However this site has helped so much with my own feelings and reactions.  The mindfulness meditation, although it takes practice, is also very good.   I have stopped waking up in the middle of the night with my heart racing.  As you say it really does help to know that they can't help how they are.

All best wishes to you

Zone out 

[twinklygirl]

zone out,

   When my mother is in a rage, she is "stuck" there, everyone needing to wait it out until she gets over whatever is setting her off.  It's exhausting having to deal with the outbursts.  Since she lives in another state, I don't have much contact with her, but I remember what we individually and as a family have experienced over the years.  When she is in a good mood, you hope that she can stay in it.  When she's in a rage, you want to be away from her.  I hope that things improve for you too, zone out.