Let him bait me this morning (ugh)

[daylily]

My uBPDh is dysregulated lately because he's preparing for a big test at the end of the month.  We've been getting into it a lot and I think S5 is feeling the effects, as he seems to be troubled about something the past few days.     

Although H baited me last night, I didn't fall for it.  But this morning, I did.  As I've said in another post, our daughter has gotten a spot in the preschool we wanted her to go to and we need to snatch it up.  H has been pushing for her to start in September, but I keep telling him the spot will be gone if we don't start her now.  Apparently in an attempt to get me to change my mind (or just to incite things), this morning he said that if she starts now and they need to call us to have her picked up because she's too upset to stay, I will need to leave work and do it because he'll be too busy studying.  He was asking if I'm willing to do that.  I said we'd work it out - if it happens, either I'll watch her or we'll get someone else to do it (his mom and my mom have been alternating lately so he can study).  I also told him that I think it's unlikely that will happen - unless she's in a really bad state, the teachers will just keep her there and distract her - they're professionals at this.  He was still persisting.  Things escalated because he started going into how I'm impossible, he can't talk to me about anything, I can't seem to plan ahead to the future ( - PROJECTION - see posts on this board recently on plans and decision making) and slamming his hands on the counter and gritting his teeth at me.  (I can tell in retrospect that he wanted more sympathy for all of the stress and pressure he's under right now, and I was problem solving instead of giving it.)

Then he started accusing me of acting out in front of the kids, and vowed that he wasn't going to stand for that.  I flipped out.  I slammed a gate (one of those gates to keep babies in a room) while I was holding D2, and when I tried to steady myself afterward, her head hit the wall.  It wasn't hard, and she didn't cry - she was fine.  But of course that gave H the ammunition he needed.  He continued to bait me with comments implying what a bad mother I am.  He was standing there with this sick smile on his face, and I knew I had given him just what he wanted.  All of his yucky feelings had just been transferred to me, and he now had his beloved reason to blame me for everything.  Still all in a tizzy, I asked him if he was happy to have gotten what he wanted, and he actually said "yes."   

He threatened divorce, saying that though he has always said he doesn't want a divorce because it would be bad for the kids, my behavior is making it so that the harm being done to them now probably is worse.  I left at that point, not wanting things to escalate further.  When I returned, he gave me a lecture about acting out in front of the kids.  I told him that both of us need to work on not baiting each other, not getting "jabs" in to incite the other person, as well as not getting too animated.  He would not accept any responsibility, kept redirecting back to me.

I know I'm supposed to forgive myself for this kind of thing, but I'm still beating myself up.  I need to be better for my kids.

 Daylily

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[maryy16]

Hang in there and do not blame yourself! You reacted, yes, but so what?  You are human!

You are not the one responsible for the negative environment, he is.  I have 3 grown children and while for the most part I kept it together in front of them, of course, there were many, many times when I did "lose it".  And I am not proud of that at all. BUT, sometimes we have to fight back and in those moments we cannot always remember to fight back in a healthy manner.

And my H is just like yours in that if he's given just a tad bit of ammunition, he'll run with it FOREVER. For example, once when our son was about 7 I said something negative (I can't remember exactly what) to him while I was angry and scolding him about something.  Well, my H heard and for YEARS he went on and on about what a horrible mother I was to say such a thing and blah, blah, blah.  But, of course, his yelling and screaming in front of our son was perfectly okay and he never saw himself as a horrible father. 

Please don't let this get to you... . obviously much easier said than done, but please try! It is not your fault!

[daylily]

Thanks maryy16!  I know we all lose it sometimes, and we wouldn't be human if we didn't.  I just wish it wouldn't have been in front of the kids.  I don't know what is more disturbing - the fact that I slammed the gate while holding D2, or that H was so pleased that I did it.  He seriously looked evil, standing there, appearing all calm and collected, smiling deviously because his point was made.  

You're right about the ammunition.  They store it away for later for sure.  There's a file in my H's brain called ":)aylily's Bad Acts" and he accesses it when needed to make himself feel better.  

[maryy16]

I completely know the "look" you are talking about.  That smug, satisfied, knowing look that they have when we mess up.  The smile is beyond evil looking... . I'd rather he looked angry than have that smile on his face.

[Chosen]

   I'm sorry you fell for the bait.  Sucks when we're looking from hindsight and realise we could've done better!  Knowing how often we are baited, I'm guessing you don't fall for it more than you do, which is certainly much better than most people with no knowledge of BPD. 

Yikes I hate that "look" too- the "you-screwed-up-so-I-can-blame-it-all-on-you" look.  Like one of those cartoon villains when their evil plans worked.  Except this is real life, not a cartoon.

But you're human.  You get worn down and sometimes you do take the bait.  Beat yourself up for a little while if you have to, then give yourself a pat on the back for being a little bit smarter for the next challenge.