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emotionaholic
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« on: July 18, 2013, 07:43:49 PM » |
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I have always had a problem with feeling guilty. I blame it on my catholic upbringing. Since the beginning of my relationship with the now exBPDgf there has been a major issue around a particular friend. I'll try to make this short but in 3 years not even thinking about it irrationally makes any sense.
We first started dating after a brief courtship. In the first month I introduced her to one of my best friends of 20 years and his wife. They were to me like having an extra brother and sister. We had all gone out to dinner together and at the end of the night gf said "wow they are really good people I can see myself being friends with them." That was the last nice thing she ever said about them.
Also in the first month she got pregnant. We were both already single parents, we met through our boys school, and as much as we were both against abortion she insisted so I supported her. I know it was hard on her and I hated it. That was one of the hardest things I had ever gone through, not that we fought about it but that it just sucked and I am to this day embarrassed that I was a participant in it. We actually made it through that experience remarkably well.
Fast forward a couple weeks. I tell the gf that I am going over to my friends house to play cards and drink wine. My friend has to work till 9:00 so I was going to be there with just his wife for a bit. she says "Ok I trust you." My friend ended up having to work late, he is a state police officer, so at 11:00 I go home. Next day friends wife makes a joke on facebook "don't tell any one but I payed cards with hit_ twice last night." I responded "Ya I started out on top and ended up on the bottom." Stupid joke I certainly grew to resent. I talk to the gf on my way to work the next day, tell her that I had a good time but my friend had to work late so it was just his wife and I. Then I told her about the facebook joke. All I heard was "Now we have a problem f-you f-you f-you." Click. I was beside myself. I had been chasing this woman for a long time and really was falling madly in love with her. I messed up bigger than I realized. A couple of weeks later we make up and I am very truly apologetic. I broke a big trust boundary. My friends wife had always been like a sister and I always talked very openly with her, but realized that was not appropriate anymore. Ok got it I wont to that again, and was fine with it.
A couple of weeks later we had the abortion. It sucked, but I felt we grew closer to each other having gone through something so incredibly hard but being there for each other. The friends wife thing got brought up again and another breakup of a few days.
I figure over time she will learn to trust me again. I know that I am honest and trustworthy. Just a bid of time for her to heal and regain trust.
A year goes by. I don't ever hang out with friends wife alone again, and basically don't mention them much. There are some more fights leading to silent treatments, but I eventually propose to her and she says yes. two weeks later on a trip with the kids she ends it and wont speak to me for the last two days of our trip. All I did was tell her son to not grab things but to ask for them.
We don't speak to each other for about a month and end up back together. This time I suggest counseling. During this breakup I agree to do an addition on my friends house. One day the gf is looking through my phone at my text messages. I don't mind much, since I have nothing to hide, but she has a way of creating problems. While working at my friends house his wife is motioning me something from inside. Looked like she was doing the pee pee dance. She sends me a text "do you need to use the bathroom, I'm locking the door so I can take a shower." Gf erupts over this text says I need to change how I behave around friends wife. So I tell friends wife to please not text or call me anymore. If she wants to know how I am doing have her husband call.
New years eve. Gf and I get a night without kids. During conversation I tell her I was going to work on Monday. I knew me working at my friends house was bugging her so I was working every chance I could to get the job done. "So your working Monday, so you can hang out with hit_ maybe she will flash you when she gets out of the shower." Another major fight, but did not break up this time.
Finnaly I am done working at my friends house, but by this point she hates both my friend and his wife. And I am distancing myself from them.
A couple more months go by we have been off and on for a year and half. My friends wife respectfully stops texting or calling. Gf and I are looking up something on my phone and she says let me see that. I give her the phone and she goes straight to messages and says lets see what you have been up to with hit_. I say don't drag this up anymore and reach for my phone she grabs it and starts looking through my messages. I get up and start doing the dishes loudly. Next thing I know she was gone. I was pissed. Sent her a text saying that she was rude, immature, disrespectful, and to go to hell. She writes back that I should not have been deleting text from hit_ and that I was lying and a cheat. The next morning I dropped all her stuff off.
Two months later of NC and we run into each other. She has started to see a T and we get back together. I start going with her. I try a couple of times to bring up the issue of my friends, but am met with extremely hostility.
4 months later another break up. Back together. She finds out that I had gone out to dinner with my friends and an old roommate of mine. Tells the T I lie and hide things from her. I can't get a word in edge wise.
We make it 6 entire months this time without a break up. But my 40th birthday is coming up and I am inviting everyone including my friends she hates so passionately. I bring this up during a session with the T and she goes off about how "scummy" my friendship is with them and she will just ignore them. My friends wife during the party asked to borrow a sweatshirt because it was getting cold out. Apparently that was not permitted and a week later it was over again. This time I initiated it, because I could not take it anymore.
It has been almost 3 years by this point. I see the T a couple of days after the breakup and the T informs me that the gf has BPD. I had never heard of it and look it up. Wow this is serious the gf is not just a crazy person she has an illness, and all the break ups are suddenly explained for the first time.
We don't talk for almost a month while I am reading up about this disorder, and luckily found this site. We get back on speaking terms but things are different. We are both hesitant. I decided to not "walk on eggshells" around her and tell her I had invited my friends out on my boat for a music festival. During the silence that followed I used SET, knowing that I was setting a boundary.
I have not heard from her in two weeks.
I hate the guilt that I feel knowing that if I had uninvited my friends on the boat that we would still be together and hopefully working on this BPD illness.
If you are still reading I thank you. I really needed to get all of that off my chest.
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