Want to shout "brace brace" to myself

[Chosen]

I need to be strong.  I need to brace myself for a tough period ahead.

H is likely going to be out of work after October (unless he finds a new one before that), as his contract will likely not be renewed.  Nothing to do with him, but his company is restructuring.  He claims he's ok with that, it's expected, but I know he's feeling very unsettled and insecure on the inside. 

There's not an awful lot that I can do for him, because he doesn't seem to have any clear idea what he is going to do and what he wants to do.  When I try to ask about his feelings he will not say anything and just say "it will be ok" or "nothing to talk about".  So I can hardly validate anything. 

So I need to brace myself for possibly a few months of this, if not more.  Another thing, a friend of ours is dying of cancer.  And last night he was unhappy and said, "I'm going to lose my job and my friend is dying."  (Note: she is OUR friend.  We were introduced at the same time by the same person.)  I validated a bit, and also said that I'm upset as well.  But then as usual, his unhappiness turns into irritation, and he talks about how I do nothing to try and make him happier.  I let him talk for a bit, stayed mostly silent, then he dropped the issue. 

Dealing with a husband who’s very negative and constantly upset is hard enough; I really don’t know how to deal when all his negativity is somehow shifted towards me.  Ideas?

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[maryy16]

My H has been out of work many times throughout the years and the strange this is that he is actually BETTER when he is not working.  I think it is because so much stress has been removed from his life. (The stress of going to work).

For some reason the stress of our family being reduced to one income does not seem to phase him as he would prefer to sit home instead of going to work.  As I am the one who handles the finances, he really has no clue as to what an impact him not working has on us, so, thus, it is not a worry for him.

I don't really have any advice as to how to handle the negativity other than to try to keep validating and leave when it gets too much.  Hopefully things won't be as bad as you anticipate.

[Wanda]

I feel for you, i know what you are going through my husband as i said here many times has been  unemployed  for three and a half months, alot less stress actually so he didn't have much of an episode, during this time. I think there is more stress when he is working.

We also had  money to support him while he was off and their was unemployment. but what was bad is he drove us nuts! always wondering what we were doing following us around driving us nuts.

He was board also,

so going back to work i am glad. but today he is suppose to come home, and he was suppose to get out of training earlier, that didn't happen, so i know he is upset because now i am not sure he can come home till tomorrow AM due to the drive time and working all day in another state three and a half hours away. Truckers have new rules to follow but knowing him, he will still come home tonight THis job is good money per hour and over time after 40 good chance his first pay will be for one week of 1000, so maybe when i tell him this he will feel much better. Hopefully... . being unemployed not knowing the future sucks! and with this eqonomy it isn't easy and my husband was also real picky. and he is older which he says doesn't matter i say it does on certain jobs.    so good luck

[Chosen]

Thanks.

I do think when H is working, he has a lot of stress because he magnifies everything.  If his colleague says *something* that he interprets as a personal attack (he takes things very personally), then he will feel it's the end of the world.  But you get this type of stuff in every workplace, so it's not realistic to be anywhere without politics.  However, if he has no job, not because he quits it but because his contract is not renewed, he may feel useless (he already does at a lot of times).  It's not even a financial thing (we can survive without his income); it's the way he feels about himself.

Our friend passed away 2 days ago.  He was a bit upset (so was I) but he coped ok with it.  Did not "expect" me to drop everything and come to his rescue, which is a bit of an improvement. 

[Wanda]

I do think when H is working, he has a lot of stress because he magnifies everything.  If his colleague says *something* that he interprets as a personal attack (he takes things very personally), then he will feel it's the end of the world.  But you get this type of stuff in every workplace


 funny because this is what i am dealing with now\, HE hears something and he takes it personal and it is the end of the world he wants to quit this job, due to what one person said... . he hears alot of things happening like people quiting, now he wants to. THen if he is unemployed he feels useless.

I am like you will get this in every work force you go... . i also told him you also get politics every where... . it won't be perfect to quit this job and go to another what makes you sure you won't have a problem there? he wants to do this temp service i am fine but they can't quentee you full time. you need stability you aren't old enough to retire yet.

now he calls to say today of all days sun he got a call from a lawyer to say he can't work at any carpet place. which is where he is starting.

 i am like what ever! i know that is not true he is trying to get out of working this job, like the next will be perfect. and it won't. there will always be someone he doesn't like.  i told him to give this job a chance. working 9pm till 5:30 isn't bad . Geez big baby... . Stress oh yea i understand that not only does my hubby has stress like yours now i do. and stress adds to the BPD not fun... .  

[daylily]

Dealing with a husband who’s very negative and constantly upset is hard enough; I really don’t know how to deal when all his negativity is somehow shifted towards me.  Ideas?

First, I'm sorry to hear about your friend.   

The pressure is on us to "fix" how they are feeling, and if we don't do that, they instead hurl their bad feelings at us in an effort to get rid of them.  If that doesn't work, they try even harder in an effort to get us to crack and behave badly, and then they have a "legitimate" reason to pin the bad feelings on us.  I've been trying to imagine my husband throwing trash at me when he does this (kind of like imagining people in their underwear when public speaking).  It's actually working, somewhat... .   It helps me to realize that it's his stuff and the trash analogy helps me not take it as personally.

  Daylily