working together and smear campaign -- DREAD

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

My husband and I teach in the same school but are far enough apart in the building that we don't see each other much at all; however, he has begun the most upsetting smear campaign against me.  I just don't know how to handle it when we go back to school.

I've worked there nearly 20 years and know most of faculty well.  He has worked there a shorter time but is seen as funny, smart, charismatic -- a charmer.  Many people are just now finding out about our divorce, and those who aren't closest to us are reacting with shock.  Today one of the custodians told me to tell Mr. x I said hey.  I took a moment to let him and the other custodians who were working on my hall that we were divorcing.  They were shocked and very upset.  We have always appeared to be the happy couple.

He has threatened many, many times with defamation suits, telling me it's clear (and that at least x number of people agree with him) that I am hell bent to DESTROY him -- professionally, financially, etc.  It's pure BS.  He has told people I left him high and dry with tons of bills and am living "bill free" with family.  In reality, I have paid half our mortgage and half his utilities EVERY month since I left, and I pay my family some each month as well.  There are a gazillion other examples, but suffice to say, there is a segment of people who are BELIEVING him - hook, line, and sinker.

Now, I am a calm, easy-going person, and I know the thing to do is let it go.  Those who are my true friends will stick by me, etc.  However, since it's a professional situation, I feel a need to set the record straight.  His victim of an evil person story will affect my reputation not only in the school with coworkers but in the community (parents, etc.).

I would love some "lines" to say to people when I share with them that we are now divorced when I return to school in Sept (Since we work together, I obviously cannot say, he's mentally ill and that's why he says these things... . ).

Have any of you who work with your BPD spouses or ex's had to deal with a smear campaign?  Care to share your story?  How did it turn out?  How did you handle it?

Thanks for reading, and any advice will be much appreciated!

[atcrossroads]

My husband and I teach in the same school but are far enough apart in the building that we don't see each other much at all; however, he has begun the most upsetting smear campaign against me.  I just don't know how to handle it when we go back to school.

I've worked there nearly 20 years and know most of faculty well.  He has worked there a shorter time but is seen as funny, smart, charismatic -- a charmer.  Many people are just now finding out about our divorce, and those who aren't closest to us are reacting with shock.  Today one of the custodians told me to tell Mr. x I said hey.  I took a moment to let him and the other custodians who were working on my hall that we were divorcing.  They were shocked and very upset.  We have always appeared to be the happy couple.

He has threatened many, many times with defamation suits, telling me it's clear (and that at least x number of people agree with him) that I am hell bent to DESTROY him -- professionally, financially, etc.  It's pure BS.  He has told people I left him high and dry with tons of bills and am living "bill free" with family.  In reality, I have paid half our mortgage and half his utilities EVERY month since I left, and I pay my family some each month as well.  There are a gazillion other examples, but suffice to say, there is a segment of people who are BELIEVING him - hook, line, and sinker.

Now, I am a calm, easy-going person, and I know the thing to do is let it go.  Those who are my true friends will stick by me, etc.  However, since it's a professional situation, I feel a need to set the record straight.  His victim of an evil person story will affect my reputation not only in the school with coworkers but in the community (parents, etc.).

I would love some "lines" to say to people when I share with them that we are now divorced when I return to school in Sept (Since we work together, I obviously cannot say, he's mentally ill and that's why he says these things... . ).

Have any of you who work with your BPD spouses or ex's had to deal with a smear campaign?  Care to share your story?  How did it turn out?  How did you handle it?

Thanks for reading, and any advice will be much appreciated!

[Katsky]

Sorry to hear about this - my sympathies.

This is my story. It ended horrendously, in early June.

Late last year, I began working with my uBPD-exgf 2 years after break-up, and 2 years of very little contact. Nine months into this, and she then tried to contact me, by stalking on a couple of occasions. I asked her to stop. Fuelled by narcissistic injury, she began the smear campaign from hell - calling the police (which I knew about), as well as speaking to some colleagues and making a complaint to my boss, which I didn't hear about. The police, I'm pretty sure, didn't believe her, after I showed them a large amount of documentation concerning her abuse of me - I mean a large amount. (When the police contacted me, I printed out 100 emails from her, over three years, containing just about every kind of crazy you can imagine. I made a dossier of it.) Three weeks later, she split up with her bf, and killed herself. Almost no one knew of her mental instability.

I'd never encountered a smear campaign before, and dealing with it is really, really hard, because the aim is to provoke you; and when you're provoked, you're vulnerable. I'm not sure my advice is particularly good. It's just based on my experience, which was really traumatic. You're right that you can't say he's ill. People won't buy that, unless you have 100 emails filled with suicide threats, abuse, apologies for screaming rages, etc.!

One piece of advice: documentation. If you have it, it can help. Second piece of advice is to find someone whom you definitely can trust and can confide in. Third thing is, it's important not to sound angry/resentful/bitter when discussing the breakup with "neutrals". That is his aim, and it can backfire. Maybe stick with, "It's been a painful breakup, and I hope we can both move on". You could even say that you're trying hard to help him. If he cannot back up claims that you're "evil" and you sound reasonable and concerned for his welfare, then neutrals are less likely to buy his story.

Try googling: "proxy recruitment"+"BPD NPD". Might be some useful advice there.

Good luck!

Katsky

[Surnia]

Hi atcrossroads

I feel so sorry, this is really a bad situation and I guess this is affectioning your vacation too. 

What about talking to your scool director about the situation? Or does have your school somebody for issues according the co-workers eg. mobbing?

I agree with Katsky to be documented and sticking with the facts.

Keep us posted 

[atcrossroads]

This is my story. It ended horrendously, in early June.

Three weeks later, she split up with her bf, and killed herself. Almost no one knew of her mental instability.

Katsky

Katsky, I'm so sorry!  I cannot imagine how painful that must have been for you.     Thank you for sharing your story.

I, too, have hundreds of venomous emails filled with all kinds of crazy -- I have thought how validating it would be to distribute one or two choice emails to the faculty, mutual friends, and even mail a couple to his family who think I am an evil monster.  It's so topsy-turvey the way they accuse you of everything they are doing TO you.  Twilight Zone!

My husband has threatened suicide for years, telling me how he would do it and how easy it would be for him to do it.  It worries me! 

I moved out several months ago, and we are now in negotiations with our attorneys -- he is trying to buy the house from me.  I suspect he has family helping him acquire a loan.  He has held a steady job for years, but he has had conflicts at work too... . you never know what he could do if he's dysregulated enough to cause him to lose his job.  Also, he has never been good with money and spends a lot of money each month on marijuana, so I think he will struggle making house/utility payments.  I wonder about the what if's.  What if he loses his job? What if he loses the house?  Would his despair lead him to suicide?  The thought weighs on me. 

My therapist has told me that even if he does take his life, it is not my fault.  But, I cannot imagine... . Again, my condolences for what you had to go through.  I am off to google proxy/BPD/NPD now.


Surnia,  Thank you for your response!  I do think it's appropriate to have a discussion with my principal just to fill him in.  I am respected at my job, and the administration knows my character. 

[Katsky]

atcrossroads,

Thanks - getting through it, though, and friends and colleagues have been supportive. On the smear campaign, the documentation saved me - as she turned it up to 11! (Police, etc.)

You've been through what most everyone else here have with their BPD/NPD partner. 

You've cared for him and protected him. But you've also been hurt, used, controlled, humiliated, verbally abused, manipulated, threatened, etc. And he then projects his dysregulation on to you!

But you are sensible and sane, and you will be ok! Regarding professional defamation, having documentation of his emotional instability is important. Whatever his allegations of you being an "evil monster" are, you have the facts to back you up. Put the documentation together and keep it in a file. Yes, with Surnia's advice, it is advisable to fill in your principal, informally, about what might be thought of as workplace harassment by him. Use the documentation, but don't go overboard (don't use technical terms (BPD, etc.); if need be, stick to "longstanding emotional problems".

His "allies" fall into three groups. His family. His and mutual friends. Colleagues. The most objectively dangerous are his using colleagues to hurt your job and reputation. Protect yourself at work using the facts, and do your best to stay calm!

It's very emotionally painful to be smeared and vilified to friends and family. So, it's tempting to seek validation by using documents to set things straight with his family. But there is a very serious danger of backfire ... .

It sounds like a financial mess, a nasty power game at work and an emotional power game with friends/family. But you sound level-headed. Stay focused! Now you've split, you're not responsible for his crazy making. He is trying to hurt and damage you!

Katsky