1. What suppressed values and beliefs have you uncovered?
One of the main values today for me is I have discovered I don't care for chaos and drama after all. That someone else's emergency doesn't become mine. I will not "take on" someone else's life lessons.
2. What changed for you internally?
This realization has had a direct impact on my anxiety. I'm much calmer, I can think more clearly. When this feeling of "I need to rescue" sneaks in I know to step back a bit and reorganize my thoughts.
3. How were you empowered to act differently?
Just one example recently, Mom calls to tell me to call my brother, she is worried. (He is dealing with normal stress of a new business) She is codependent as well (was very enmeshed with him for years) and is angry/hurt/confused about why he doesn't want to talk. He is in recovery for alcohol and drug use, clean for a year and is learning to experience and cope with his own emotions. I tell her no I will not call, he is working out his own stuff. She get's angry with me and I calmly push back with "this is who you wanted him to be. He is an adult dealing with adult issues. He is learning to cope on his own without you or I, which is exactly what you and I wanted. This is what recovery looks like. Do not take it personally." I hang up the phone after we talk and have no reaction to this event, no anxiety, no pull or desire to call my brother. I would have struggled with this in the past and probably would have given in and called since now I was worried too. We both, my mother and I, have to sit with any uncomfortable feeling and allow the outcome to play out as it will.
4. Did this change the problematic situation; and if so, how?
Yes, it's helped. She's learning not to call me about this type of situation, and she use to often. I have learned not to get involved. She refuses Al Anon or coda so what little she knows about recovery I've shared when I know her "stuff" is pushed my way and is intended to affect me, it helps set an example for these situations for her when I don't react to her demands. The result in understanding is she can, and does, relax a little too. It's better for both of us. AND for my brother. Instead of becoming angry with him she is becoming proud of him for being stronger. Proud of both of us actually and it feels pretty good that we are becoming a stronger, healthier family.
