question

[Depression = 72% of members]

I should be an expert on BPD as much information as I have read and aslong as I have been around these boards. But still even as i start to once again except that this relationship needs to be over,and for all practial purposes is over. Somethings i cant figure out or put my finger on. I do understand that I will probaley never understand her and how her mind works. and a part of me is thankful becasue I guess if i did understand it what would that say about my mind.

My question is about splitting or being painted black. How do you know when this has happened? Is the phase shorter and longer with the BPD based on the incident or trigger? it very confusing. In the past I have been subject to being painted black. I see it, and know when its coming and I see the end result. In the past it starts out about a week or so from pushing away/break up. Its always starts with being critical of me but in a minor way with lots of exaggerations. It might start out with complainining about how i chew my food. Then it goes to how i speak, then escualates to some sitition that she knows I will not go along and ingnore her and it will really push my buttons. Like bring up an ex boyfriend or husband without a reason, just out of the blue she will bring them up or something wonderful they did for her. Which that will usually be my breaking point and I snap at her or get defensive. This would give her a platform to say " your just to controlling" or " to jealous" which then results in argument, her belittle me and her starting to get irrate and me leaving. Her breakinig up, giving me the silent treatment or me just going NC becasue I had heard enough. She would be very emotional either with anger or sadness. Anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks she starts texting, calling or bumping into me somewehere. Then we start the dance over.

This time she was very diffrent. she started the same actions the would intiate that phase but when we talked she was very blank, hardly no anger. She was making things up that never happened, she was argumentive, she was very accustive about things that didnt happened. But she wasnt very emotional. No extreme anger, no sadness her face and expressions where very blank, her eyes where flat looking no pain, just no emotions. BUt she was making alot of sense about asking do we really want to keep doing this to ourself over and over. I agreed and I wasnt trying to get her to stay in the relationship what i didnt want was to except responbility for things that wasnt true or that didnt happen. I knew I shouldnt argue with her about her own relaity but its hard not to. When she said i didnt love her like I used that i had lost they love I had for her. It wasnt true. Or that i was texting other women while sitting with her or not with her, it wasnt true. When she said I threw an angry fit, I knew it wasnt true. So it was very hard not to argue these points. I know by arguing an ddefending my actions I wasnt validating her. But at some point I just cant agree to bold lies. Her exagerations about things that happened but she exgeratted I could validate her. But things that never happened at all I just coudnt I know that was bad of me but I couldnt help myself. I can not go along with what I know is a flat out lie.

But when it was all said and done. I wished her well and drove away. less then 24 hours later she texting me asking about going to a appointment that she knew I had in the future. She still making plans to go to this and planning on taking off from work to go. If i was split or painted black why go? this is the hard part to understand. I could see if it had been 2 or 3 weeks since the fallout and she had time to calm down and miss me like she normally does but we are talking just a few days ago. She has made our split public with her friends and co workers. I know becasue I got a text from a co worker asking me not hold them responsible for the break up and not to let interfere with our realtionship. Which I had no idea why this person would even ask or say that. the exBPDgf removed all my pictures from her facebook but one. Why leave the one? This friend and coworker  has been here for other break ups and has never done this before. also one her closets freinds asked to be my freind on facebook the next day after our beak up. That has never happened before.

Im sorry this is so long and I feel like Im rambling. and at this point I shouldnt care but I worry. Why is this time so diffrent with her actions? no doubt she she is masterminding the actions of her friends. and since we all work close but with diffrent comapanies. I worry is she about to start a smear tactic. With my current health sititions I do not need that in my life along with the added stress. I know NC would work the best but at the same time it never seems to work for us. so I thought maybe light contact would work. Not me contacting her but if she texts just respond when im ready but at a later time. like just easy away from her so she dont get frantic like in the past and get crazy with her attempts at contact.

But her actions are very confusing to me and thats what Im trying to seek posssible answers for. I know in the very near future that I cant be dealing with this becuase of my possible serious health issues. What i will have to face with this will require all my strength so I wont have time or energy for her silliness. But still it has got my brain flooded today. Thanks for any help and opinions.

[mitchell16]

I should be an expert on BPD as much information as I have read and aslong as I have been around these boards. But still even as i start to once again except that this relationship needs to be over,and for all practial purposes is over. Somethings i cant figure out or put my finger on. I do understand that I will probaley never understand her and how her mind works. and a part of me is thankful becasue I guess if i did understand it what would that say about my mind.

My question is about splitting or being painted black. How do you know when this has happened? Is the phase shorter and longer with the BPD based on the incident or trigger? it very confusing. In the past I have been subject to being painted black. I see it, and know when its coming and I see the end result. In the past it starts out about a week or so from pushing away/break up. Its always starts with being critical of me but in a minor way with lots of exaggerations. It might start out with complainining about how i chew my food. Then it goes to how i speak, then escualates to some sitition that she knows I will not go along and ingnore her and it will really push my buttons. Like bring up an ex boyfriend or husband without a reason, just out of the blue she will bring them up or something wonderful they did for her. Which that will usually be my breaking point and I snap at her or get defensive. This would give her a platform to say " your just to controlling" or " to jealous" which then results in argument, her belittle me and her starting to get irrate and me leaving. Her breakinig up, giving me the silent treatment or me just going NC becasue I had heard enough. She would be very emotional either with anger or sadness. Anywhere from 3 days to 3 weeks she starts texting, calling or bumping into me somewehere. Then we start the dance over.

This time she was very diffrent. she started the same actions the would intiate that phase but when we talked she was very blank, hardly no anger. She was making things up that never happened, she was argumentive, she was very accustive about things that didnt happened. But she wasnt very emotional. No extreme anger, no sadness her face and expressions where very blank, her eyes where flat looking no pain, just no emotions. BUt she was making alot of sense about asking do we really want to keep doing this to ourself over and over. I agreed and I wasnt trying to get her to stay in the relationship what i didnt want was to except responbility for things that wasnt true or that didnt happen. I knew I shouldnt argue with her about her own relaity but its hard not to. When she said i didnt love her like I used that i had lost they love I had for her. It wasnt true. Or that i was texting other women while sitting with her or not with her, it wasnt true. When she said I threw an angry fit, I knew it wasnt true. So it was very hard not to argue these points. I know by arguing an ddefending my actions I wasnt validating her. But at some point I just cant agree to bold lies. Her exagerations about things that happened but she exgeratted I could validate her. But things that never happened at all I just coudnt I know that was bad of me but I couldnt help myself. I can not go along with what I know is a flat out lie.

But when it was all said and done. I wished her well and drove away. less then 24 hours later she texting me asking about going to a appointment that she knew I had in the future. She still making plans to go to this and planning on taking off from work to go. If i was split or painted black why go? this is the hard part to understand. I could see if it had been 2 or 3 weeks since the fallout and she had time to calm down and miss me like she normally does but we are talking just a few days ago. She has made our split public with her friends and co workers. I know becasue I got a text from a co worker asking me not hold them responsible for the break up and not to let interfere with our realtionship. Which I had no idea why this person would even ask or say that. the exBPDgf removed all my pictures from her facebook but one. Why leave the one? This friend and coworker  has been here for other break ups and has never done this before. also one her closets freinds asked to be my freind on facebook the next day after our beak up. That has never happened before.

Im sorry this is so long and I feel like Im rambling. and at this point I shouldnt care but I worry. Why is this time so diffrent with her actions? no doubt she she is masterminding the actions of her friends. and since we all work close but with diffrent comapanies. I worry is she about to start a smear tactic. With my current health sititions I do not need that in my life along with the added stress. I know NC would work the best but at the same time it never seems to work for us. so I thought maybe light contact would work. Not me contacting her but if she texts just respond when im ready but at a later time. like just easy away from her so she dont get frantic like in the past and get crazy with her attempts at contact.

But her actions are very confusing to me and thats what Im trying to seek posssible answers for. I know in the very near future that I cant be dealing with this becuase of my possible serious health issues. What i will have to face with this will require all my strength so I wont have time or energy for her silliness. But still it has got my brain flooded today. Thanks for any help and opinions.

[Surnia]

Hi mitchell

hard times 

Perhaps we will never really understand why our SO are doing all these things... . yes, we can say it is the mental illness. Sometimes it helps a bit to think of 2 year old toddlers in a adult body.

I truly believe it is more important for us to accept all these things instead of focusing on the why. Radical acceptance  - which can be painful and bring us inner freedom.

When you are really unhappy about a rainy day, does it help to know which through made the rain? Probably not. What you can do is accepting the rain and/or look for a shelter... .

I hope this can help you a bit.