DD in jail - how to be validating and hold her accountable for her choices

[vivekananda]

ditto what RR says... . little changes. Yes the future is uncertain and it does hold possibilities. Yes the past was extreme and the present is better. Isn't that so? little changes.

Now, can you put a chair in your bedroom and a DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door for the 3 - 10 mins? If you build the habit (same time every day) then others will get used to it. No need to say anything to anyone - just do it. Like any boundary, if you stick to it, it will hold.

Vivek      

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

I've been thinking about the posts in this thread... .

The topic of chaos (hoarding) in the pwBPD, and our need for order.

If our surroundings are chaotic and cluttered, it makes it harder for us to think and keep a peaceful mind. (I speculate that it is the same for pwBPD, it's just that for some of them outside chaos/inability to keep order is part of their symptoms).

It is a challenge, but if we can keep our space ordered, it might provide some degree of peace for us, make us feel better, more centered, ready to take life head-on.

That brings us to boundaries - the literal (physical) ones of one's space, but also the other kind (our time, our values etc.). If we manage to keep ourselves well protected with healthy boundaries, I think we will not be so overly concerned with others and will be less judgmental (as our opinions will be just that - opinions, with us having no need for others to be different).

And meandering back to your DD qcr - I think also, that she is trying to please you. As she has been trying hard lately to control her behavior and 'do things right'. And I also think that the consequences for her violations/non-compliance will probably be enough for her to face. You know what is going on - do you think you can rejoice in the TLCs that your DD has accomplished, and take good care of yourself, so you can support her?

You have said that she is really trying to work hard on 'being good' - complying with your house-rules etc, and also that she has been more vulnerable with you and trying to keep a connection with you. Maybe I am wrong, but do I sense a bit of a positive shift in your r/s? What would be the ways to nurture that connection and good behavior?

[qcarolr]

You have said that she is really trying to work hard on 'being good' - complying with your house-rules etc, and also that she has been more vulnerable with you and trying to keep a connection with you. Maybe I am wrong, but do I sense a bit of a positive shift in your r/s? What would be the ways to nurture that connection and good behavior?

Validation! Awareness of my judgemental thoughts and keeping them in my head or pour them out in T, or prayer and medition,etc. Then my heart will be open to responding to DD in sincere validation. When I am under the spell of my judgemental thinking, I tend to be a silent listener fearful of driving DD away with unintentionally invalidating comments. This silence is invalidating to her as well.

My boundaries are so much better with each person in my family, though I still get cranky when they try to give me back responsibilities that do not belong to me. This will always be part of the relationship dance. I am feeling that being more consistent in my boundaries with DD has paved the way for the TLC's with her in many ways. It lays the foundation for us to have a two-way, caring relationship. Where I can ask for help from her as she asks for help from me, and neither of us get angry with the other.

Have to keep up my self-care with enough sleep, giving back to others that which is not mine to solve (a lot of this at my job right now), excercise, food, sunshine. And slowly sorting out gd's toys - finding them a home out of my office and bedroom - teaching her to throw away/give away as I respect her need to have her 'collections'. DD's clutter is in her area of house, Dh's is in the garage and shed.

I CAN DO THIS FOR TODAY.

I have also started participating in a 12-step support group in my church while gd is in sunday school. I gained a lot when I was doing Al Anon back in 2010-2011. This new group may give me a safe outlet for some of the things I cannot share in my home - working out the non-judgemental ways of thinking and being. It will take the place in some ways of my weekly T. I am shifting that to once a month due to finances.

Thanks to each of you for your great responses and support. Things are getting worked out as they will. Dd is very worried about the PO revoking her bond. I will not have any say in her being in jail if this comes down on her. And she knows it is from her own choices. This is a TLC for her -- to begin to realize that these consequences are from her choices - in her actions and in her relationships. The harder part for her is coping with the consequences even as she is reconnecting with the exbf that is no longer high. He got arrested and is also on probation now (for hitting is new gf). And then the other exbf that hit DD last year has failed is probation and is now on his way to prison for 2 years. She got the letter today from the victim's advocate to sign up for notifications from the Dept of Corrections in our state. There is much remorse in her face -- this was also a case of bad stuff going down while everyone was high.

Maybe she will find greater strength and courage in finding her own willingness to be clean and sober? She is certainly feeling the consequences of all this that has happened while she and/or bf's have been high. So I have to have the strength and courage to allow this to be her problem. To support her in making good choices, and keep my boudnaries in place when she makes less than good choices.  DD is very clear how valuable being in our family means to her, and we have let her know how much value she can add to our family now. She really seems to accept the boudnaries so she can be here.

Gotta get back to my chores. Thanks for being here for me.

qcr  

[pessim-optimist]

Validation! Awareness of my judgemental thoughts and keeping them in my head or pour them out in T, or prayer and medition,etc. Then my heart will be open to responding to DD in sincere validation. When I am under the spell of my judgemental thinking, I tend to be a silent listener fearful of driving DD away with unintentionally invalidating comments. This silence is invalidating to her as well.

That sounds good!

My boundaries are so much better with each person in my family, though I still get cranky when they try to give me back responsibilities that do not belong to me. This will always be part of the relationship dance. I am feeling that being more consistent in my boundaries with DD has paved the way for the TLC's with her in many ways. It lays the foundation for us to have a two-way, caring relationship. Where I can ask for help from her as she asks for help from me, and neither of us get angry with the other.

I think that as we get better and more confident with our boundaries, we are able to be more calm and less cranky. And I see from your post that you are already experiencing it. So, maybe there's hope that in time it may cease to be a part of the relationship dance... . And in the meantime, you can focus on the positive - the accomplishments you have aleady reached! And look forward to more growth and progress.

Have to keep up my self-care with enough sleep, giving back to others that which is not mine to solve (a lot of this at my job right now), excercise, food, sunshine. And slowly sorting out gd's toys... .

I have also started participating in a 12-step support group in my church... .

Dd is very worried about the PO revoking her bond. I will not have any say in her being in jail if this comes down on her. And she knows it is from her own choices. This is a TLC for her -- to begin to realize that these consequences are from her choices - in her actions and in her relationships.

I think that is actually a wonderful opportunity in the midst of all the sad and bad: There are painful consequences for your DD's actions (that someone other than you is imposing), you can support her through it while not being the 'bad guy'. That gives you a better opportunity to bond.

Thank you for the summary of what is going on, I think you have it down pretty good and are on a good path.

That is SO encouraging to read! Thank you again for sharing.   

[Scarlet Phoenix]

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