Guilt keeping me tied to him mentally...

[delusionalxox]

Hi all, my story is all over board... . basically a mixture of BPD waif/NPD man... . I supported him on and off for 3 years, paid for all activities, horrendous rollercoaster relationship with very strong sexual bond. Left pregnant and painted completely black- after having been split white and then completely ignored in favour of his younger friends at home, I had gone crazy and sent tons of vitriol and misery by text which had built up over 3 years.

My major thing is I keep wanting to say sorry to him for my part in it all. According to him he has very little part in it; I am a 'psycho' and he tried his best with me but had to give up. However it wasn't me doing the frantic recycling, the spiralling financial, practical and emotional demands, the insane jealousy and cyberstalking, and the eventual dumping in hour of truly dire need.

I have a reasonable job and am a single mum. Ex accused me of 'lack of commitment' to him a lot and 'failure to share' because I got fed up of paying for everything while he 'studied' (most students in this country also work a bit). He had nothing to share, something was coming, but I started to smell a lot of rats when he whined that if I were committed to him I would 'make an investment' with him etc etc  . He objected to me buying a house for my kids 'without him' - when he had left the country and had no set date to be back. Etc!

I came to this board feeling utterly crazy, thinking I was the BPD. I still feel awful, empty, not raging any more but deeply anxious as if everything in me broke and won't go back together.

I am depressive and think I have a lot of  but I feel reassured slightly more now, however I still feel what if he is right. What if I have basically 'deeply damaged him' and 'done terrible things to him', how can I ever make up for this. (this is the message he sent me the day of my abortion; he made no other reference to the pregnancy at all  which hurt me so deeply I felt like my heart got ripped out.

I want to fix it somehow- not to get back together, although I miss him so much I feel ripped in half- I know we would only damage eachother more.

But I want to say sorry to him and be heard... . I know though that if I call I will be told that EVERYTHING was my fault, that I am evil, a psychopath, etc. That is if he would take my call.

Really this is the worst emotional pain of an emotionally hard life. I feel as if my heart is being continually shredded into pieces. I want so much not to have hurt him, because I cared. Is it true what he said, was I so awful that I made him hurt me while hurting him even more?

I know that he started out controlling and abusive and that I should not have taken it. I now don't know who I am any more.

[Clearmind]

A waif appears helpless to the outside world however, your ex has been this way for a very long time and knows how to adapt. While you sit here all concerned for him, he is moving on and coping just fine - until the next time.

Delusional - we waste our time thinking they need our help. My ex was a waif and I never went NC - he coped just fine... . he is use to his patterns of relating. I did not take me long to get over that guilt of abandoning him and not being able to fix him. Save your energy for a person who can reciprocate and dig deep as to why you feel the need to save a person who cannot save himself - I no longer see this is as an attractive trait in a man.

Borderlines are survivors.

[delusionalxox]

Actually clearmind I should think he will find others to exploit and attach to easily- and I don't think I could ever really have 'helped' him either (although he basically wanted me to support him in everything and be his generous 'mum' :-D how flattering!)

Ex is a very narc waif. I didn't go NC until 2 weeks ago, I'd been bombarding him with messages he ignored because I am too 'damaging' and he could not bear any more 'useless pain' because I will damage him 'again and again and again'.

It wasn't the guilt of abandoning I meant- it's the guilt for all the awful things I said and wrote when angry. That is the reason he cut me dead (so he says... . although it wasn't so clear in the end). He's painted me a terrible verbal abuser. And indeed I do have my faults there, once I blow I really blow and it all goes nuclear. God knows with him, I had my reasons many times... . but still... . I am a 40 year old woman and i know how destructive words can be. I should have stopped myself.

It is that, that I want to say sorry for. To absolve my own guilt. Sorry if it seems weird

[Clearmind]

We all have reacted delusional - I would say that the relationship fell apart for more reasons than how you reacted towards him. Blame shifting is common and we need to dig deep as to why we hang onto, listen and take on the blame.

[delusionalxox]

Yeah. And I realise that I am in a way 'bargaining' with myself here.

Because if it was indeed 'all my fault' as he said, then his fantasy world in which he was perfect and all-loving, and I was flawed and ungrateful, would be true. We could start over again somehow just by me debasing myself and begging forgiveness (sadly it happened before ) And that would get me right back into the old abusive dynamic.

I don't want to be in that dynamic again, yet my mind still wants him back in my life, as a 'friend'  .  I want him not to despise and hate me as he seems to. I want not to feel like the horrible person he told me I was and I seemed to become with him.

[Clearmind]

Its simply projection. His issues are not about you and when we concentrate on them we negate our feelings and emotions - its a little bit of escapism from dealing with our own issues when we embroil ourselves in their issues.

[ObiRedKenobi]

Guilt and obligation kept me tied and staying with her for much longer than I should have. I finally came to the realization that I'm always going to be a turd head in her eyes. I know now that this is being painted black. But I basically had to come to grips with the fact that she is always going to see me as a bad person. It kills me because I know I'm not, and no matter how hard I tried how much I did it didn't make a difference. In the end I know I'm not a horrible person, and I know I made the best decision I could under the circumstances. I'll take what I learned from my mistakes, learn from them, and future relationships will be stronger and better because of it.

[Suzn]

According to him... .

Someone else's opinion is just that... . an opinion. What's more important now is what you think. 

I want to fix it somehow

Would it be fair to say you want to fix the feeling you have in you right now?

But I want to say sorry to him and be heard... .

Forgive yourself delusionalxox. You are human. You get to feel hurt when you feel hurt. We have all lashed out at some point most likely. This is the child within us all, allowing our inner child to take the reins in an adult situation. It can be very challenging to have self discipline when the child inside us is in control and is hurting... . she is the one that needs to feel heard, talk to her.

Do you feel you did the right thing not buying a house with him? Maybe this was the adult inside you in control practicing some self preservation. (protecting that inner child) Good for you. This adult knew something wasn't quite right. You are on the right track here. 

[delusionalxox]

Thankyou Obi and Suzn.

Obi I wish I could feel so sure I am not the 'bad person'... . ex was such a massive victim... . (perhaps typical of the 'waif', but he is also narcissistic)... . I was constantly told how much I had made him suffer, how magnanimous he was to forgive me, etc. When someone tells you all the time how awful you are, (but they forgive you!) for 3 years, it gets to you.

I also have done bad things in my life - including to him, although often in a reactive way- and have a temper. But ex also hated good things about me, like my independence and liberal mindedness, which to him made me 'untrustworthy' sexually and in other ways.

i live a very stressful life generally which he did little to help with and he stigmatised me constatly for being depressed (which means 'mad' in his book as it's a 'mental illness'... . which he used to denigrate me with a lot).

In retrospect it's no wonder I cracked. but I still wish I hadn't. I lowered myself and now I cannot be sure what it is I need to change in myself.

one thing is clear though. I have apologised and asked forgiveness for what I did wrong in the relationship and received a stony silence. He abandoned me the day of my abortion of his child and only threw further accusations of 'damage' at me.

i know the evidence is there. I also know that he has painted me totally black to friends and family who will be telling him the same mine are: 'you are better off without that b*tch/psycho'... . :D

I just wish I could feel secure that I did my best and behaved well. And I just don't.