Divorcing my wife who most likely is antisocial and a psychological manipulator

[Indigo Sky]

Hello,

Forgive me for writing about a non BPD issue. I don't think my wife is BPD, although she has an abandonment fear she has mostly the characteristics that are associated with someone who is antisocial and a psychological manipulator. She is also an alpha female.

She is the life of the party. Beautiful and charming. But the moment we are in the car alone heading back, the poison just oozes out of her. Hate and anger at anyone and everyone. A black hole of misery.

She is controlling, manipulative, with holds terms of endearment, and just a royal pain in the butt.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the extent of her manipulation. It has made me question every action and word she has ever told me.

What is real? What is a lie? What part is the manipulation? Who is this person I spent 3 years with? It feels like nothing was real now.

She has no real friends, just people she uses and manipulates. She is like a super computer, it is scary how easily she manipulates people and there is no end to her plotting. Even when she doesn't have to plot and lie, she does.

I wonder if others can see through her as well?

I have a therapist I have been using since September, ish. He has helped me a great deal. I still have a long way to go. However I am confident that I will never allow another abusive person into my life as time reveals all.

Just wondering if there is anyone else that has dealings with an antisocial PD. I know like anything there are different grades. Some are worse than others.

Mine was physically abusive and tried to get me thrown in jail for assault which I did not commit, thankfully the police never pressed charges.

Thanks for listening,

FB

[WalrusGumboot]

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the extent of her manipulation. It has made me question every action and word she has ever told me.

What is real? What is a lie? What part is the manipulation? Who is this person I spent 3 years with? It feels like nothing was real now.

Hi FB,

Those are the million dollar questions. A lot of new information came out after my divorce was final through our grown son that gave me the same questions about my ex. She astutely crafted a mask for 23 years that had be believing it for most of them.

I don't believe I will ever get those questions answered for myself, and actually I am OK with that. It used to bother me to no end, but as her memory fades, so does the need to know. She is just mentally ill, and there are things I could never understand.

WG

[Indigo Sky]

Hello WG!

Thanks for writing and sharing.

My T says I need to focus on me and not her but it is difficult at times. I do feel better when I stop asking the questions that most likely don't have an answer. How can anyone really understand someone that has severe problems like this. In the quiet times in the evening, that's when I think about her and our time together, or maybe it was my time with her.

FB

[Bananas]

Hi Fuzzy Bunny,

Some of the things you wrote about fit my Uexbf to a tee.  I could have written the below, replacing he for she. 

She is the life of the party. Beautiful and charming. But the moment we are in the car alone heading back, the poison just oozes out of her. Hate and anger at anyone and everyone. A black hole of misery.

She is controlling, manipulative, with holds terms of endearment, and just a royal pain in the butt.

The hardest thing for me to deal with is the extent of her manipulation. It has made me question every action and word she has ever told me.

What is real? What is a lie? What part is the manipulation? Who is this person I spent 3 years with? It feels like nothing was real now.

She has no real friends, just people she uses and manipulates. She is like a super computer, it is scary how easily she manipulates people and there is no end to her plotting. Even when she doesn't have to plot and lie, she does.

I wonder if others can see through her as well?

My T has brought up possible ASPD.  When I read about the Cluster B disorders he has many of traits of BPD, NPD and ASPD.  The label doesn't matter, maybe he was just a jerk. 

I know how you feel about it being difficult to focus on yourself.  I have really good days and bad days still and it has been over 4 mos since the "breakup".  I am the worst at quiet times too, at night.

One of the things I asked him for at the end was truth, so I could figure out in my head what was "real" and what was "fake".  I never got an answer, he told me something like he had nothing to say, he could do nothing but "forget the whole deal" and I had to "just get over it and move on".  I remember asking him once about one of his male friends that he stopped speaking to and he told me that "everything was on his terms, and if other people didn't want to be on his terms, that he had no problem in cutting them out."

I see my ex frequently as we work together.  I watch him, and basically he just does whatever to get his needs met and to make himself look good at the moment.  He does whatever it takes, including lying and manipulating others.  I believe it is the only way he knows how to operate.  So for him I think everything is real at the time he is doing it.     

It is heartbreaking.  But it does get better as time goes on.  I am having a lot more good days than bad now.  When I think back four months ago it is a huge difference.  I think I figured out why I stayed in the r/s, and my brain knows to never go back, just waiting for my heart to catch up.  Hang in there, you are not alone!

[Take2]

My brain knows too and even after so long,  still waiting for my heart to catch up.

That statement really nailed it.

[Surnia]

Fuzzy Bunny

I can only underline what you are stating yourself: You do feel better not asking these questions which are mostly without answers... .

No one has to stay in a unhealthy or even abusive rs, no matter what the diagnose could be. Its your life, your choice!

What are your next steps? Do you have a plan for your divorce?

[motherof1yearold]

I am dealing with an antisocial manipulative pd person!

My ex manipulates so obviously! He literally will go through different methods until one works : First being nice, then being mean, go back to being nice, try to be humorous, then get really angry. All wrapped up in one 5 minute conversation.

But yeah, I can give you the lo down on the ASPD!

[Indigo Sky]

Hello and thanks everyone for replying. I am shocked that there are so many dealing with aspd. I know it is also linked to other PD's my wife also has characteristics of NPD and histrionic pd.

Bananas I too feel I am waiting for my heart to catch up. My brain realizes that any more time spent with them is a waste. My wife is all about control and manipulation. I knew the end was up when she stopped confiding in me how she felt about others.

Hi Take2 hope you are doing okay!

Surnia my lawyer is handling the divorce and it will be at least another year unless she agrees to our terms.

Motherof1yearold my wife will also keep trying to get the reaction she wants. Right now she is trying to save face and tell all her friends and family i am the bad guy.

My wife told me that she was surprised that i packed my bags and left and that she called me and emailed me to find out why i left. What really happened is she tried to throw me out, assaulted me by hitting, biting, kicking and smashing metal locks into my forearms as i protected myself from getting smashed in the head and i persuaded her to let me stay the night, i packed my things, cleaned the house and took pictures, went to the hospital for documentation, and left in the morning. Her friend called in the morning and said if i dont come back immediately they were going to the police and i will be charged with assault. My lawyer found out months later that after she left the house she went right to the police station to have me charged with assault, thankfully they told her to go home. When my lawyer and me went to the police station they accepted our report and evidence from the hospital formal charges against her will be laid next month. Once she is found guilty of assault then everyone will know the truth. That would be a loss of control and i am sure there will be a reaction from her.

[Indigo Sky]

What is happening now is she gas no intention of living with me again but wants to exert control and manipulation towards me as a "friend", ie never throw away an old rag, store it in the attic incase you need it one day... .

[Surnia]

Fuzzy Bunny

This is really tough stuff - you are going through a high conflicted divorce.

You handled it quite well with your lawyer so for! 

We are here for you!