What do I want?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

It's been a month since he finally left me but kept coming back to check on me. I have been on this forum for months, reading all the advices and lessons here. I know where I stand. I know he is not coming back. I don't want him back in my life. I am happy that he found replacement for me to end it between us.

I had few drinks last night and got really upset. Called him and couldn't stop crying about how much I miss him and how much pain I am in. He asked me why am I telling him all of this. What do you want? And stopped talking to me. I continued to message him, for almost 2 hours. About how much he has hurt me, how he cheated on me, how is played with me and is now playing with this girl his daughter's age.

What do I want?

I want him to accept the fact that he is the one who abandoned me and cheated on me.

Why do I want him to accept this?

I know he is never going to accept it and I don't know why do I want him to accept this. There is so much anger inside me, that I am suffering here and he is enjoying his life. That's what they do. I know and understand but I don't know how to stop hurting.

As he didn't take my calls last night, I am tempted to stop his phone number in return. He got it through me. Why?

To show him if he can get nasty, I can get nasty too.

What will it achieve?

That i still have control over his life. Or I can play with like he did with me.  In reality I know this will make things dirtier.

Why haven't I yet discontinued his number from my account?

I have given him the form already. Didn't take a serious action because I wanted private pictures from him. I don't even know if I will ever have him delete those. But at this point it doesn't even matter. I want to hurt him, because I am hurting.

This doesn't make any sense, right. I feel like I am going out of mind.  Darn bad. Please help.

[pari]

It's been a month since he finally left me but kept coming back to check on me. I have been on this forum for months, reading all the advices and lessons here. I know where I stand. I know he is not coming back. I don't want him back in my life. I am happy that he found replacement for me to end it between us.

I had few drinks last night and got really upset. Called him and couldn't stop crying about how much I miss him and how much pain I am in. He asked me why am I telling him all of this. What do you want? And stopped talking to me. I continued to message him, for almost 2 hours. About how much he has hurt me, how he cheated on me, how is played with me and is now playing with this girl his daughter's age.

What do I want?

I want him to accept the fact that he is the one who abandoned me and cheated on me.

Why do I want him to accept this?

I know he is never going to accept it and I don't know why do I want him to accept this. There is so much anger inside me, that I am suffering here and he is enjoying his life. That's what they do. I know and understand but I don't know how to stop hurting.

As he didn't take my calls last night, I am tempted to stop his phone number in return. He got it through me. Why?

To show him if he can get nasty, I can get nasty too.

What will it achieve?

That i still have control over his life. Or I can play with like he did with me.  In reality I know this will make things dirtier.

Why haven't I yet discontinued his number from my account?

I have given him the form already. Didn't take a serious action because I wanted private pictures from him. I don't even know if I will ever have him delete those. But at this point it doesn't even matter. I want to hurt him, because I am hurting.

This doesn't make any sense, right. I feel like I am going out of mind.  Darn bad. Please help.

[Reg]

Pari,

In a way I understand this very well.

But what is getting nasty ?  I blocked my ex on social networks, she is convinced I have a new e-mail adress, I took a new mobile phone number.  The only way she thinks that she can now contact me is by driving to my place.  And she knows I won't open the door. 

Most of the borderlines deny that they have a problem, the world is bad and they are the only good ones.  I even saw a group on FB of people with BPD with some 50 members, claiming that they are the normal ones, and everybody else is having a psychological problem... .

So don't think he will ever accept it.  They can't.  They are sad people.  Without an identity or real emotions as we nons know them.

Revenge is a feeling we can have with nons, but in the case of a borderline it has no use.  They twist the truth in whatever direction that makes them feel better, without even realising it... .

A little example.  My ex broke her word over and over again.  So at the end of the relation she wanted me to come over and look her into her eyes saying I didn't feel anything anymore for her.  A good excuse to have contact again for her.  I din't show up at all.  She was furious.  I told her that now she could see what it was like when someone broke his or her word.  (I did only know about the BPD weeks later)  It had no use, it just made her more furious, and I was texted and mailed with all possible hatred.  So don't go there.

If you want revenge, the best revenge in that case is to let them do what they do.  Screw up their lives in denial as some alcoholics do.  I personally don't want revenge.  I'm sad that she destroys her live and the lives from others, and of her young daughter.  But I don't care anymore... .   She knows she had BPD, she is surrounded by a number of other BPD's all accusing each other of BPD.  It's just unbelievable... .

Look back to what happened, you know you don't want to live in that kind of situation ever again.  Take the lesson, and let go, go out and see friends, or seek help for yourself.  It's time to think about yourself, not about others... .   Take care about yourself, have no guilt, move on !

Reg

[talithacumi]

Oh, Pari, how awful. I would, and have felt exactly the same way after doing exactly the same thing and getting exactly the same callous, uncaring response.

It hurts so much. All you want is a little comfort and understanding. Because of the relationship you had with him, of course, your first thought is to go to him for it. Only all you get is more of the same thing that made you hurt so bad in the first place.

It seems like you already know that having him admit that he cheated on, and then abandoned you isn't going to make that hurt any less ... . nor will giving into your impulse to punish him for ignoring you by having his phone disconnected.

You say you know he's not coming back, but knowing and accepting that in your heart are two very different things, and it sounds like your heart is trying to figure out ways to at least get him to notice you and maybe start taking you into some kind of consideration again because ... . well ... . really ... . isn't that just the worst/hardest thing of all about this whole thing? That you very suddenly don't seem to matter to him at all. That all you seem to be is a big problem for him now.

It's really just devastating. Really it is.

If someone you loved were going through something like this, I think you would be there with bells on to listen, hug, comfort, understand, support, let them kick/scream/rage/wail/cry and just try to surround them as much as you could with all kinds of warm, loving care until they felt safe again... .

Try to do that for yourself today. And tomorrow. And every time you feel this way for as long as you feel this way. You've been through a lot. No shame in recognizing, admitting, and accepting just how much you've been effected by it - being a little kinder/gentler to yourself - allowing yourself to slip up and do things in your pain that you regret later - and taking it all one day/hour/minute at a time for a while.

It sounds cliche, I know, but it WILL get better.

Big hug.

TC

[Surnia]

Hi pari

and a big big 

Sounds like you did it quite well so far and now you had a very difficult bad moment.

Drinking can be sometimes dangerous and confusing and it can bring easily a lot of anger.

Can you do first of all doing some nice things for yourself?

After that it is perhaps time to think about new boundaries according his phone number.

Take care!

[TigerEye]

Hey Pari

I know this is a tough time for you, we all have been in that place, but just a thought for you.

If he has left you and is now with another it is likely that he is portraying you as the persecutor, him the victim and the new addition will be the rescuer. It all plays out on the Karpmann Drama Triangle, have you read up about that? It's Triangulation (read definition) and you are unfortunately playing right in to his hands and giving the power to him, I'm sure that's not what you intended?

Most likely he left because, despite any good that you did, you were perceived as the persecutor, it's how the disorder plays out, absolutely nothing you could have done about it, you will never control the disorder, don't let it control you.

The best way to 'get back' at him is to disengage, stop playing the game, step out of the triangle and rebuild your life and live as you were meant to - happy!

[Nearlybroken]

Pari,

Like you I am angry at the actions of my expwBPD.I cried in front of him,tried to explain how much he had hurt me,did all manner of crazy things in order to get some form of response from him.I wanted him to accept that it was he who ruined "us", to take responsibility.My ex simply twists the truth so that it is all about him.The only responses I ever get are cold ,callous and uncaring.And this just makes me feel worse.I feel weak as i am unable to forget the good times and, if I am being truthful ,I am still in love with him.I do not undertstand why I still love him but I am hoping that i will find the answer in therapy.The only advice that i can give you is that trying to get your ex to take responsibility, seeking empathy, trying to communicate  how much your are hurting will not work. In fact , it will serve only to fuel his distorted thought process into thinking you are the problem.I know as I am going through it now.It is all about them... . they simply cannot or will not take on board the feelings of others.I met with my ex saturday gone to discuss finances.During the conversation he put me down an amazing 12 times, twisted the truth about 5 times and denied saying /doing things over and over .It is like in his mind he has re-invented our relationship in order to facilitate the view that I am to blame.I realised  that you simply cannot argue with an unbalanced mind.It's hard ( and i think is going to be impossible for me to do) but the best thing is not to engage.I made the mistake of sending him a text last night.it read " I am saddened that you cannot see me point of view and how much you have hurt me.I only ever tried to do the best for us and support you and it is difficult to be made to feel like I am an inconvenience to you now".His reponse? " sod off.x" Says it all really.

[TigerEye]

What you are coming up against is the Detached Protector. A pwBPD has inside them an abandoned child (the victim) and an angry child (the rager). They need protection from feeling the hurt and shame born out of their actions (yes, they do feel shame), so up steps this Detached Protector. This DP has no feelings (hence the cold, callus exterior), their job is to deflect all the blame and shame, and the best way to do that is to shove it all back at you. They will not accept any responsibility, offer no apologies, they will lie and deceive, anything to stop the child inside feeling the hurt and shame.

I saw the morphing of the DP in my SO once. After catching her acting out with another guy she initially showed guilt and was giving apologies, but within minutes out came the DP and that was it, she was saying that nothing had happened, I had got it all wrong, it was my issues, she was completely distorting the things that I saw with my own eyes.

There is no getting past the Detached Protector, it's a well practiced defence mechanism.

[pari]

Thank you for your kind words. I am feeling better already. I spent all day yesterday taking care of myself.  I have been doing well but just one drunk night destroys it all.

Update: BPDex called yesterday to check on me. He began with 'You were really nasty and crazy last night'. I said, 'Crazy, like you always say' and stopped the conversation.

He called again this morning, in rage, so angry. Says that I threw childlike tantrums and am out of my mind and that he doesn't deserve to be treated like this. That he doesn't want any of this more in his life. That I have destroyed everything between us, all good happy memories (yeah like he left any hope after he replaced me). I tried to validate and remain clam but the blaming and accusations get too much. I told him that I was sad and needed comforting but you just moved away from me. I told him that if I was the negative influence in life, then he doesn't need to call me and check me (he calls and digs deep on how I am doing emotionally, mentally, physically, until I start freaking out). He was so angry and it always scares me. I asked him where he was, he said in his office. He is gonna go inside and tell them that it's me who he is yelling at and then he is gonna post a picture of me. Now that part scares me. He can do anything in rage, I know that and am scared.

Confession: I am really sad at my action on that drunk night. That's not me, that's so not me. The kind of person I am, I would never do such an act.  I said some hurtful truth which pissed him really bad. Also the downside is my meeting with him to get pictures is also postponed. I am ashamed of my action and have decided to quit alcohol. Yes, I do have a lot of anger against myself for letting this happen to me in the first place and now, ruining it further. I just don't know how to handle my emotions. So damaged.

If you want revenge, the best revenge in that case is to let them do what they do.  Screw up their lives in denial as some alcoholics do. 

Look back to what happened, you know you don't want to live in that kind of situation ever again.  Take the lesson, and let go, go out and see friends, or seek help for yourself.  It's time to think about yourself, not about others... .   Take care about yourself, have no guilt, move on !

True that Reg. I am quite certain that I don't want him or that kind of life back. Thanks much for your words. I need to listen to it more often.

You say you know he's not coming back, but knowing and accepting that in your heart are two very different things, and it sounds like your heart is trying to figure out ways to at least get him to notice you and maybe start taking you into some kind of consideration again because ... . well ... . really ... . isn't that just the worst/hardest thing of all about this whole thing? That you very suddenly don't seem to matter to him at all. That all you seem to be is a big problem for him now.

It's really just devastating. Really it is.

You are spot on talithacumi. I used to be a strong woman but feel so vulnerable now and don't know how to handle myself. I run back to my bad candy for comfort which destroys me further.

Thanks for identifying the big problem. Yes, you are right. I used to be his world and suddenly I don't matter. That hurts so bad. I know the facts and the truth but it's so difficult to accept. I am quite certain that I want nothing to do with him. I just need to stop reaching out to him for comfort because he is incapable and selfish.

Can you do first of all doing some nice things for yourself?

After that it is perhaps time to think about new boundaries according his phone number.

I am trying. My parents and sister are coming to stay with me for few weeks and we plan to travel around.

About boundaries, please suggest how should I go about it? Because it seems like all the actions I take go in the wrong direction.

Boundary1: I went from NC to LC because I wanted my private pictures from him (yes my mistake I let him have those but I want them deleted). His new g/f says she wants to be there I come to see him, which is good for me as I will have a observer. After the drunk night incident, he refuses to do anything with me. I havn't mentioned private pictures yet, I just keep saying data. But now the question is - how do I get him to delete those? Any suggestions?

Boundary2: I got him his phone number. Since I wanted NC with him, I even gave him a form which transfers the ownership to him but he hasn't taken any action yet. Yes, it makes sense to change my number. That way, I disconnect his number too. But if I take this move, I am not getting any pictures from him.

Also I feel bad causing this trouble to him, of disconnecting his phone as he might have to leave the country in few weeks due to visa issues. So conflicted.

If he has left you and is now with another it is likely that he is portraying you as the persecutor, him the victim and the new addition will be the rescuer. It all plays out on the Karpmann Drama Triangle, have you read up about that? It's Triangulation (read definition) and you are unfortunately playing right in to his hands and giving the power to him, I'm sure that's not what you intended?

Most likely he left because, despite any good that you did, you were perceived as the persecutor, it's how the disorder plays out, absolutely nothing you could have done about it, you will never control the disorder, don't let it control you.

Tiger Eye, I am familiar with Karpmann Drama Triangle and understand it very well because I have been there when my exBPDbf was getting divorced. So I have been at both ends of the triangle and know it very well.

I am upset with myself because even after knowing so much, understanding the disorder so well, I continued to act like I am the one with disorder.

Nearlybroken, Big hug to you. Thanks for your understanding. Just hope that you feel better too.

[Surnia]

Hi Pari

Yes, being drunk can be bring really the bad things out of us... . Can you forgive yourself?

There are really some things between you and him not really separated, which makes things complicated for you. The pictures, the phone number.

About the boundaries: I didn't get that you want your pictures deleted.

The pictures: As I see it, there is no way for you to be sure he deleted the pictures! Best case: He will put them in the garbage bin under your eyes, he could have made a copy before and store it on a datastick... .

The phone numbers... . he is depending on you to have a phone? Is there a risk you are paying his phone bills?

Right now I would calm the whole thing down. No fast actions. Time to think what is the best for you.