My Beauty Queen Wife: BPD/Drug Addict/Emotional Terrorist

[GoodHubby]

My wife (BPD) : we will call (J)

I have suspected J has BPD for many years. Before getting married, she was on her best behavior, only letting a little instability leak out hear and there. My suspicions concerning her diagnosis stem from my educational background in Psychology along with medical training in a Forensic Psychiatric Unit. I am by no means an expert, nor a Psychiatrist, but I'm not a doofus either.

J and I met in AA, both having been sober for many years. We were married after a quick courtship, and had our daughter just a year after marriage. Despite her issues, J worked very hard to stay healthy and be the best wife and mother she could. I respected her efforts. However, upon stopping breastfeeding our daughter, J had a MAJOR hormonal shift and suffered debilitating depression/SI. This lead to chronic pain, which in turn lead to high dose opiates. That was the end of our sobriety together. I started drinking again as our problems piled up. I tried to get sober several times in the next few years, but my wife refused to join. I threatened to leave if she didn't get help for her mood problems. I worked like crazy to get her into Timberline Knolls. The team there thought she was a perfect candidate. But, most of the ladies were there with eating disorders, which I tried to explain was just a symptom that they had due to similar issues, but J refused to listen, and left AMA.

There have been multiple near suicide attempts, drug overdoses, physical and emotional abuse. We we even lost our daughter to DCFS for almost a year. Briefly: We had a fight. I went to the police to report what had happened. They sent to me to a local hotel with instructions to not return for 24 hours. When I called J to tell her where I was, she said, "If you don't come home, I will kill myself." I listened as she ingested bottle after bottle of pills. I called 911. When they arrived, J ran out the back door. Our then 3 year old was at home alone for 30 seconds. They found us both, miraculously, as neglectful. Even though I wasn't home under the instruction of the police, it didn't matter.

This story is incredibly long, and sad. I never imagined having to experience the pain that I am going through at this time.

Recently, my wife's drug problem has gotten so bad, I had to leave. I am currently sober and have been since losing our daughter. I told her that there is no 3rd chance from DCFS, and I had to protect our daughter. She went to treatment, but only after I left, and I got gutsy and filed for divorce. I am a beaten man. I give up. She did great in treatment, but when she got out she relapsed immediately. This time, she was using to kill herself. I met with her and she was the most pitiful disparaging wreck I'd ever seen. I told her I would take her back to detox. She agreed, but only if I would stay with her until the next morning. I did. I love her. I know I shouldn't have, but I can't resist her. I don't want this to be the end of my family, but I can't continue to live this way.

Now, she is in treatment, again, and wants me to squash the divorce stuff and give her another chance. Here's the sick part. She admits that if I don't take her back, she will become a crack-whore and die. Her own mother told me the same thing. I'm not kidding, this is my reality. She hasn't had to do anything like that yet, because we have money and plenty of things to sell. She swears she would throw herself off a bridge before becoming that, but this drug makes people do things they never thought they were capable of.

What do I do? I can't live with this woman and expect her to be a good wife and mother. But I'm not prepared to live my life while the other heinous reality is taking place either. This is emotional terrorism. I feel like no matter what I do, I'm in for the most painful experience I could ever imagine. There is little guarantee that if I do take her back, she will stay sober anyway.

I'm so tired of having to take care of her, but I love her. I can't be near her. She eats me alive. J is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, I'm not just saying this. I cannot keep it together when I 'm with her. I have it in my head to stay strong, and then she smiles at me, hugs me, whispers in my ear, and it's over. My whole plan to stay with the divorce is out the window. EVERYONE I know will be horrified if I take her back. But I feel like one last chance is worth her life.

I have to come up with a plan after treatment that doesn't involve coming home. Recovery Home? Mood Disorder Treatment? Something that would involve months of good behavior before coming home.

After a decade of me trying to get her to face her BPD, she says she will entertain the idea, finally! I have read all the books, but what would be a good book for her, the BPD? I just feel like the addiction research has evolved in the last several years, and opened up to the fact that a big part of addiction is related to mental health. The program she is in is co-occurring, but I know she never tells the truth about her history.

I want to help. I want to save my family. But I know I need a miracle. Should I give her another chance?

Our lives used to be one of those incredible success stories in AA. I used to speak all over the Midwest. Now, my life is one of those nightmares. Now, I am one of those, "you don't want to end up like him."

I'm not ready for whatever is gonna happen. But, I don't see how I can just let her die. I know, I'm not the one killing her, but, I can't look my daughter in the eye and I did my best.

[Chicken Soup]

GoodHubby:

After 10 years married, my wife and I had developed a rather passionate sex life.  But when she wanted to trade non-physical affection for unprotected sex (she wanted a fourth child rather badly), the party ended.  I realized my wife wasn't concerned with how I felt.

I tried ways to get "back to normal", but she is either unwilling or not capable of helping herself or our marriage.  I'm not her therapist.

[empower-me]

GoodHubby,

You truly are a good man to want to see her through this after so much turmoil and pain.

I was kind of in a similar situation with my ex about 4 years ago, he threatening suicide and doing all kinds of crazy things when I finally felt I had to end it due to him losing his mind and getting abusive physically and mentally.

I was so torn as to how I could move forward and have in the back of my mind that he may die or be in the street.

It was a horrible place to find yourself in as you are now seeing. And you have a child too.

I'm so sorry about the mess with the protective services doing that.  I am soo glad you are clean and doing good.

This is the kind of stuff that can really test your nerves and it requires you to really stay on your toes and get to those meetings if you need to and still be a success story GH.

You are not able to save her if she has a death wish. I tried to do that so many times and it just got worse and I was so sick in the end I'm still trying to recover.

So this is the thing.  If you are not ready to deal with the possible reality of her becoming a 'crack whore' or whatever she says' she will do and you truly believe in your heart of hearts that this is the case, then you have to do what you feel is necessary at this point.

THis is your life and you will have to live with the consequences.  And the consequences may be many.  Have you thought about what may happen if she returns and then she relapses and goes off on you and the police are called and then the child is in harms way again on record?  How will this impact your recovery of stability where she is concerned?  Your child?


I know it's very hard to move forward with anything when they seem so out of control and lost but by golly you'd be surprised what they can do when the stuff hits the fan and they see you are not going to rescue them any longer.

The only way you can ever really help her in this situation is to finally allow her to fall on her face and pray it isn't a fatal fall.   

But if that isn't something you are ready to do then you have to be honest about that as well.

Ultimately you will end up doing what you can in this situation and taking the blows as they come, day by day.  But your child will be a big influential part of this process right?

So, id say keep doing the best you can day by day and focus on what is the best scenario for your child in the process.

If she has such a hard hold on you due to her physical appearance and the luster of her being then that will make it even more difficult.

But I have to tell you, that is all part of the BPD and how it affects most of us here.

They all have a way about them that is very appealing and hard to deny when they turn on the charm full blast.  It has been there way of surviving for many years and they do know how to work us over and good.

I'd suggest you read the book 'boomarang love' and also splitting if you haven't yet, I know you said you've read tons already.

I like the idea of a game plan of where she would go first before coming home.

I've tried that before as well but it ended up being a pipedream and ultimately when he decided to return the door ended up being opened for him even though in my heart of hearts, I sure knew I was not ready for this again at this point.

But these types of heavy duty emotionally charged, hard hitting r/s just have to take whatever time is necessary to play out.  It is very hard removing yourself, emotionally and every other way from a r/s with a pwBPD.

They encapsulate our very being and we become so entwined with them and their warped sense of thinking that we lose all real insight as what's real and what is the reality they have created and we right along with them.

We become just as sick as them but in different ways and our thinking becomes so limited and our viewpoint as to what they can do or not do is really shaped from our own belief system now after being shaped by the illness and the manipulation and being in such a FOG for so long.

The only way you will be able to think clearly enough to do the right thing will take a considerable amount of time and that means time away from her and the chaos.

If you are able to do that eventually then you'll start to gain momentum and her grip on you will become less and less, the batting of the eyes and her holding you will not have the same impact as the battles continue ; If, you give yourself enough down time to find yourself again and see this destructive cycle for what it really is. Poison and very hard on the body and soul.

It is a decision only you can make but really try to consider all the factors involved and if she is willing to go to an inpatient program again or some other live in situation or if she ends up coming back to your house, just count the cost in each one of these scenarios and try to prepare yourself as much as possible.  Separate accounts, keep things more privately and really think ahead and protect yourself.

You'll have to pretty much stay closed off to her financially and with personal stuff cuz she can use it against you if and when she chooses to up and leave or do worse.   Especially with the drug problem.

So the first line of business would be adressing the crack issue and then taking it from there. Her behavior is what will really dictate how you have to proceed.  But please, try to stay as level headed as possible remembering how quickly those sexy eyes and body can be an evil force of nature that will turn your heart inside out!

Here's hoping you can stay above the pain of it all long enough to find your balance in all of this!  thinking of YOU e-m 

[Surnia]

 

GoodHubby

and I feel for you, your story is really tough. 

I agree with empower-me, you cannot save her. You cannot prevent her from destroying herself. This is for many of us who are caretakers for years, very difficult to accept. We are used to put ourselves behind others. To change this is a long way to go and it is worth to do it!

You are sober again, which is great, you have a little daughter, she needs your support.

Did you have ever considered to work with a therapist at your own?

Great you found us, Goodhubby!

Surnia

[GoodHubby]

Thanks for the replies. I do see a therapist regularly. It helps. And I know that I can't get back together with her. It will only prolong the inevitable for me and for my daughter. She will never allow me to be happy no matter what. No one, and I mean no one, is allowed to love me, but her.

Yeah, as the "caretaker", I find it so hard to turn my back on her. I know it is her, not me that is doing this to her, but she will remind me I'm sure of how I let her down. How she would never have never done this to me. I know that she is just waiting patiently until we our all home and that door is closed before she shows me how disappointed she is in me. "We took vows," she says. I'm like, "yeah, I know, what about you?"

That is a great point about what if we get home and the you know what hits the fan. Maybe next time she will press charges based on the false allegations? She has threatened to before. What if I lose custody of my little girl? Legally, I"m in the drivers seat right now. I feel like if I go back, I am relinquishing my position granted to me by her, due to her drug problem. I have to stand my ground. It will hurt her. And in turn crush me, but I can't risk losing my daughter, or continuing to expose her to this endless sick cycle.

I have read Splitting. And listened to the CDs.

Are there support groups for people like us?

I have to stay away from her. But at the same time, I want my kid to see her mom. Maybe I should have someone else bring her to visit?

I'm planning on revealing everything to J, in some sort of family counseling session while she is in treatment. If she leaves... . then I can't stop her. I hope she decides she wants to live. I think she does, but is just using this all as a negotiating point. The manipulation NEVER stops! Even from a crack-house. My sponsor is going crazy himself because he can't understand why I am putting myself through this. I am sick. He reminds me all the time, "she will find another victim."

[Surnia]

Good you have a T. 

What about a CODA Group? (Codependent anonymous)

How is your wife as a mother? Is your daughter safe there? If yes, than to have someone else bring her may be a good plan.

I am honest, I have some doubts about the family counseling session. Is this only for legal reasons? Lets see what others are saying about this.

BTW, we have also a board for legal question. Leaving Board: Family law, divorce and custody. I could imagine that you could need this too.

[GoodHubby]

She is not a mother when using drugs. When sober, she's a little neurotic, but not too bad.

When I say family counseling session, I mean with her and her counselor in the treatment center she is at.

J and I have a mutual friend who is an intervention specialist as it pertains to addiction. I am trying to work with her to find another treatment she can go to after this. She needs way more than 28-45 days. Honestly, the sobriety is just a matter of doing. We have both been there before. She knows what to do. It's the mental health stuff that is the missing piece of the puzzle.

I need to somehow convey to her, that she is YEARS of healthy behavior away from being in a position to have a relationship with any man, let alone me.

I truly want the best for her. I love her. A close friend of mine actually challenged me today, saying we didn't know what love is. He says our sick relationship is just another addiction and that maybe there has never been love between us. Just the leach and then me, the blood-bag. I guess I may find out one day. I say we have shared love, but there is mixed in with it, so much codependence and my insatiable urge to fix her and make her right. She's a cool chick. A great hang, an amazing dancer, and intelligent. She's ridiculously attractive. But once you get past that, she is a sad mess. She has no one, just me.

I don't know. He is gay and only out about five years, so he has his own issues, but I respect him and what he has to say usually.

He put it to me like this, Will J ever be at peace? Then why are you trying so hard to stop her from dying? She is so miserable. Let her go. Sad but true.  "She will find another victim."

[empower-me]

What is your gut instinct telling you?

Do you think you can walk away from her at this point?  And really hold your ground?

We all know they will eventually find another victim, IF... . we let them.

That is the biggest factor much of the time.  Our being willing to let them move on and not enable them in the process.

So your friend does have a point but you are the one that has to live with the final outcome good or bad.

Is she willing to go to another program after the one she's in now?

[GoodHubby]

My gut tells me that she will do well for a while, get complacent, then back to business as usual.

I have a meeting with her and her counselor at the treatment center Friday. I told here already that if she has any hopes of being in our family anymore, she has to complete treatment and do something afterward. She thinks 30 days in rehab, 30 days in a recovery home... . done. She is focused on the tasks at hand, not actually getting anything out of this experience.

I'm not sure what I am going to say. I don't want to crush her hopes, but the truth is, I think things are over. I just can't put myself or my daughter through this anymore. It's hard to hurt her, even after all she has done to me. I guess that's why people like her end up with people like me.

I want to be helpful. Those I talk to in my life, family/friends, think I just need to end it... . cold, it's over. Then just let her do whatever it is she is gonna do. They think that would be the best thing for her. I hate that this is probably the best course.

Personally, I dream of her triumphing, succeeding, and rejoining our family in 6-12 months. However, I understand this is 1:1,000,000.

Currently she is bothering the staff with all kinds of medical issues. Headaches, constipation, rashes. She burnt one of her two five minute phone calls trying to convince me to call the doctor and give him an ear-full for being negligent with regards to her concerns. I've done this so many times before now, this is the typical pattern. Next week, this place will not be fit, and she will leave.

I think that is what I will focus on, not as her husband, or her friend, but as someone that knows this very well could be the last chance she has to get help. My real health insurance is over in a few months. It will be state-funded whatever from this point forward. This could be her last chance, to ever have a chance to live happy.

[Surnia]

GoodHubby

Its really sad, when you see someone like her so so struggling... .  

On the other hand stick with your guts. You did so much for her. It wasn't enough. It will never be enough.

Keep posting here!

[Theo41]

Suggestion: focus on you. Go to AA for your sobriety. Go to Alanon to help you deal with marriage to an addict. You will get relief and begin to know what to do. I currently go to one AA meeting and two Alanon meetings per week. It helps,it really does. THEO

P.S. Get a sponsor and work the steps in Alanon if you decide to go.