how to handle when he goes to his room, avoids talking , etc.

[mindhelp]

Hi I have a 19 yr old son. He basically only eats and plays video games around me. The rest of the time he goes to his room or goes to visit a friend or his girlfriend. I try to have conversations with him using these new tools I have studied on this site to no avail. He started meds about six months ago and is not improving (his assessment). He is about to start with a new psychiatrist and counselor because he moved home from college. Also, he was supposed to be looking for employment but has been depressed and only put in some applications at a few places. I don't know if I should push that or not. So I don't know how to handle communication with him. He just seems so distant and I don't know how I can help. Does anyone have advice for me?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jellibeans]

hmmm... . he is home from college and is he planning on returning in the fall?

First I think getting him a new P and T is very important... . if he isn't willing to talk with you maybe he will talk with them.

Secondly... . he sounds very depressed... . is he? I might try to engage him... . go on outings etc... . do you eat meals together? I think in is important that you get some kind of connection with him during this time.

Thirdly... . what kind of meds is he on? for what ?

Maybe a bit more info would help... . what is your biggest fear right now?

[vivekananda]

Hi mindhelp,

It is so hard to know what the right thing to do is, isn't it. We are so used to just going in and solving problems and that's what we want to do. But that doesn't do anyone any good here.

I think jellibeans is onto something here. Do you have a structure in your house around mealtimes? Does your family have a time where everyone gets together? Are there siblings? Is your ds's father at home and if so, what does he say?

Sorry, lots of questions here for you mindhelp.

This site here may be of help for you, it is about SET a communication technique.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Have you read the Lundberg book: "I don't have to make everything all better." That is an excellent book.

What tools have you been using? Can you give us an example?


Vivek    

[mindhelp]

Hi Vivek  and jellibeans,

I appreciate your help so much. Here is more info. He has been diagnosed depression and BPD. He is on abilify and zoloft. They keep trying different meds and doses but yesterday told me he is just as bad as when he first started meds and counseling. So I asked if we needed to get him to the dr. or hospital for help... . He said no quit talking about it.That was all that I had said besides maybe the new counselor and psychiatrist can offer help. He still is under the other one until next month.

No, he is not going back to school because the state he is in right now. He made it a year making great grades but said it was very difficult and he could not do it in the shape he is in again. His Dad lives close by and sees him regularly. He does not know what to do about any of this.

The skills I have been trying is validating, DEARMAN , set and it is hard to change my thinking and communication skills as I was evidentally not very good at them   An example, he got mad at me one day for not getting seated at a table before he got into the restaurant. I tried validating his feelings and that I was sorry, but he still went to his room saying he knew he shouldn't be so mad. I Just want to reach him . I tell him I love him and will listen if he wants to talk. We do eat together but with the t.v. usually. I tried changing that years ago, but it just made for arguments.

[griz]

Hi Mindhelp:  I think a new P is a great idea.  My DD went through many different meds also complaining that they were not helping her.  I truly believe they made things worse.  I am not anti-med however this was just our experience.  He does sound very depressed and I would think if he is not doing anything this could add to his depression.  While he is not working can you have him do things around the house to contribute.  Maybe validating that it is hard for him to go out and work right now but he must be productive.  ie:  "I know it is hard for you to go out and find a job right now and in the meantime I would like you to help out around the house.  What are something you could see yourself doing to pitch in?

Maybe this might even open up some communication.  You probably are doing fine with your skills. The fact that you are using them is wonderful.  We all need to work on our skills continually however that being said, maybe he is not ready.  Don't give up on your skills.

Griz

[lovesjazz]

So difficult to see our child withdraw. Do you have a relationship with his girlfriend? Perhaps she could shed some light on whats on his mind.

[vivekananda]

I was thinking recently about my own situation and difficulty with my dd and talking. I thought if I bought theatre tickets for us to go out together on a regular routine basis, then we could have a coffee afterwards and talk about something else but her problem, I thought it might make it easier.

Of course, it would be waste of money, she doesn't live with me so she would 'forget' or not be able to make it.

Since your lad lives with you, perhaps you could see if there was a football game, movie, or somesuch, that you and he could share. Perhaps once a fortnight... . This would give you something else to talk about except his problems which must be going through his head all the time too... . Even just talking about the possibility of doing this would give you something else to focus on to develop your relationship a bit. In other words, change your focus to developing the relationship, rather than fixing his problems  .

Do you think that could work?

Vivek    

[BioAdoptMom3]

I didn't read through the other responses so sorry if I am repeating anything, but first I think a lot of what he is doing is also normal.  A good many teens like to hang out in their rooms quite a bit, though at the same time I totally understand why you want him to spend more time with you and work on improving communication. 

I think a new doctor is a great idea since the meds aren't helping.  He may need them adjusted, may need something different or may need something added.  Our DD started out on 10 mg. of Prozac alone and though we saw some positive changes then, and when she went to 20 mg., we didn't notice significant improvement until she was on 40 mg. and 1 mg. of Abilify.  Check on that possibility.

Would he be willing to join you at the table for any meals? I would encourage that.  Go out together when you can, like encourage him to go with you for pizza or putt golfing or something like that.  In the car alone together is often a good time to start a conversation.  I don't know why, but people tend to talk a lot more riding in a vehicle together.  Do you ever go in his room at night after he goes to bed?  In bed with the lights out is often also a time when they will open up.  We have a now 26 y/o son (does not have BPD) who was a little socially awkward and spent a lot of time in his room too when he was a teenager.  He got his first job at 17 and within days he was a new kid!  Encourage him to get that job!  I think its a great way to get out around others and to gain self-confidence!

[Kate4queen]

I have 4 kids, three of them are sons, and all three of them regardless of their mental state were distant, uncommunicative, uninterested in family events and patronizing as hell at that age. So I think you're up against normal teen behavior coupled with the added issues of BPD.

It's so hard when you're worried about them and they won't talk. I found that music and books were the only topics we could discuss with any normality at some points. My BPD son actually came to find me and hug me when he finished the Harry Potter books of all things, because as he explained to me, he'd grown up with Harry and it was a big deal for him to get through the last book. He knew I'd understand because I was the one who introduced him to them. You have to try and find something. but it isn't always easy.

You've had some great suggestions here.