Sick memories

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Now that I have detached myself from this horrible person and the mindfu*k that ensued I'm starting to go through some of the terrible

Things he did and that I put up with. And I'm pissed.

Once my roommate caught a "peeping Tom" outside my window and chased him off. My first though? It's probably just my bf... . Second thought? I hope he's not mad at me.

Then there was the time we got in a huge fight and he came over to talk. We talked for hours and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up face down with him have sex with me. I remember being confused and scared and just wanted it to be over. I tried to ask him what happened the next morning and he immediately flew off the handle that I "was accusing him of rape". I really just wanted to understand what happened. Now I'm pretty sure there was no consent and that he just went for it.

I'm mad. what do I do with this? Why did I put up with this? What the hell happened to the strong woman who was here before? I'm so ashamed.

[shaggysoul]

Now that I have detached myself from this horrible person and the mindfu*k that ensued I'm starting to go through some of the terrible

Things he did and that I put up with. And I'm pissed.

Once my roommate caught a "peeping Tom" outside my window and chased him off. My first though? It's probably just my bf... . Second thought? I hope he's not mad at me.

Then there was the time we got in a huge fight and he came over to talk. We talked for hours and I ended up falling asleep. I woke up face down with him have sex with me. I remember being confused and scared and just wanted it to be over. I tried to ask him what happened the next morning and he immediately flew off the handle that I "was accusing him of rape". I really just wanted to understand what happened. Now I'm pretty sure there was no consent and that he just went for it.

I'm mad. what do I do with this? Why did I put up with this? What the hell happened to the strong woman who was here before? I'm so ashamed.

[ObiRedKenobi]

I know exactly what you mean. I have some memories that I'd rather forget. When we got together she did some things dealing with asphyxiation that really creeped me out.

More than that though I wanted to say that its when I got mad after leaving the relationship that I really started to feel like I was ready to start healing. I'm not the bitter hateful mad just mad that she did the things she did and that I let her get away with it. Its given me the resolve to move forward get back to who I really am and stay that way. Maybe its the anger that helps you turn the corner and get back to where you want to be in life.

[tailspin]

shaggy,

You have every right to be angry because what he did to you was horrible. It was emotionally and physically abusive.  Sex without consent is all about control and being an object to fulfill their needs is a terrible way to live. I'm so sorry that happened to you  

We all go through the anger phase, and I think it's an important part of the healing process, because it reminds us that we deserve so much better.  I was also ashamed of what I did and what I allowed him to do.  I ended up taking a kick-boxing class that really helped displace my anger and channel it into something constructive.

Eventually this will pass, but for now give yourself permission to be angry, and find a productive outlet for your anger that won't give you anything else to be ashamed about.

tailspin

[shaggysoul]

I'm also hoping it's the anger that would protect me if he ever got near me again. I do not feel like a victim... . As in I know that I put up with this. But I do feel preyed upon and I'm angry. Mostly angry at myself and all the times I have watched myself get involved with him despite all this... . Just for one more moment to be in his arms.

I lost my dignity.

[delusionalxox]

Hey shaggy... . I think in a way this is a useful phase... . remembering all the ___ not the golden good times... .

I also had both with ex as we all did... . towards end he was hitting me very hard a lot during sex including in the face... . he mocked me really brutally for being 'mad' (because I have depression!), called me a bad mother to my boys, invaded my email and phone frequently and accused me of being unfaithful on a gothic scale... . a couple of times particularly early on he got aggressive and sulky when I fell asleep and he wanted sex... .

I remember the times we would be having an OK time and he would suddenly just turn and start complaining about something or criticising me and my heart would sink because I knew that was it. I would be expected to just 'take it' and not even be sad, just to bounce back. He told me awful things about myself that I was supposed to see as 'improving'. Etc. If I reacted I was 'insulting' him.

On the day I had an abortion he sent an email telling me to leave him alone because I had 'deeply damaged him... . '

so much of it was verging on sadism. So much control and objectificiation which we put up with in the name of 'love'.

I call it 'love' now in quotes, because I see it more as infatuation/obsession on my part... . and on his... . need, I guess.

[delusionalxox]

I'm angry at myself too shaggy.

We have to forgive ourselves. The bond, particularly the sexual one, was based in addiction/trauma. That's why it was so strong and why breaking it feels like dying.

I'm surprised I've survived this month. My ex will not get back in touch with me. By the end I told h im everything i thought of his appalliing behaviour for the last 3 years and he will not forget or forgive that. especially as most of it was very true eg that he is irresponsible, arrogant, childish and exploitative  I've apologised for the things I did wrong (without exonerating him) but still nothing. I am now surplus to requirements. The embarrassing mad ex.

If I hear from him again, which I don't think will ever happen or at least not for a few years, I don't think he will acknowledge any of the damage done to me or the fact that he left me pregnant. This makes him someone who is not worth knowing. I hang on to that.