Boyfriend planning to hire a prostitute

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD bf who has cheated on me and convinced me to stay with him, he will change, he only wants me, he doesn't want to hurt me, I'm the best woman in the world and the only woman for him etc... . is going to Mexico on vacation in October. I have known his password for his google account for a long time now... . and google shows search history if you're signed into your account when you search. I just found out he has been searching for escorts in Mexico. Right now as I write this he's even searching for "tongue condoms"... . gee I guess he'll REALLY need that!

I don't understand my reaction (or lack thereof) right now. 6 months ago I would have been calling him or sending him a text telling him I know exactly what he's been up to and I'm not sticking around anymore. I would have felt a rush of adrenalin, a sick feeling in my stomach, extreme anxiety... . to the point where I would be shaking.

I don't feel any of that. I feel kind of numb. My mind has actually been sitting here thinking "Well I could still see him this weekend and then break it off after the weekend is over and he goes back home" What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been reading that book "The Betrayal Bond" and it fits me perfectly. But really... . do I have so little self-respect left that I would still consider staying with him even for a weekend? Why am I not freaking out on his ass? Why am I sitting here writing this instead of telling him "It's OVER!"?

[eternity75]

My BPD bf who has cheated on me and convinced me to stay with him, he will change, he only wants me, he doesn't want to hurt me, I'm the best woman in the world and the only woman for him etc... . is going to Mexico on vacation in October. I have known his password for his google account for a long time now... . and google shows search history if you're signed into your account when you search. I just found out he has been searching for escorts in Mexico. Right now as I write this he's even searching for "tongue condoms"... . gee I guess he'll REALLY need that!

I don't understand my reaction (or lack thereof) right now. 6 months ago I would have been calling him or sending him a text telling him I know exactly what he's been up to and I'm not sticking around anymore. I would have felt a rush of adrenalin, a sick feeling in my stomach, extreme anxiety... . to the point where I would be shaking.

I don't feel any of that. I feel kind of numb. My mind has actually been sitting here thinking "Well I could still see him this weekend and then break it off after the weekend is over and he goes back home" What the heck is wrong with me?

I've been reading that book "The Betrayal Bond" and it fits me perfectly. But really... . do I have so little self-respect left that I would still consider staying with him even for a weekend? Why am I not freaking out on his ass? Why am I sitting here writing this instead of telling him "It's OVER!"?

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, eternity75... . I wonder if you are still that 10 year-old little girl, but this time at least the man in your life is not physically abusing you? I read your remarkable reply to allibaba in her thread, and I admire your strength and clear-sighted understanding of your background... . You are a survivor, and I do believe you will get your act together eventually and save yourself from this new abusive man in your life  

Have you had the chance to read the links to the right of this Board----------------> and the pinned threads at the top? On the Staying and Leaving Boards are also pinned threads at the top and links to the right of the page that have the Workshops, Articles, etc. that have some great information on them. You can pick and choose what answers your questions or speak to you the best. Another Board with wonderful insights and support is the Taking Personal Inventory Board , and if you haven't read anything over there I highly recommend it (along with, of course, the pinned threads).

Have you had a chance to read any of the many Workshops on this site? Here are a few that I think you will find inspiring:

What does it mean to take care of yourself?

US: Dont let them control your life!

Why we stay - intermittent rewards and Stockholm Syndrome

Self respect and our sense of ourselves

Children of BPD Parents: Reclaiming Our Lost Selves

I hope I am not overwhelming you with links   , but I just think that now is a very good time for you to take a course in how to help yourself. I know you want to move on now, and if he does leave and go to Mexico for awhile, then you will have the time to look after yourself and learn how to care for you finally... . If you click on some of the links I've given you, soon, maybe you can get to that point you want to get to: I'm not sticking around anymore.

[4now]

 

I wish I had a concise, exact, accurate answer to your question of why you don't feel anything about what you have discovered about his plans.

I am disgusted for you. 

I will offer you my insight, I hope it helps.  Perhaps you are so detached that it just doesn't surprise you.  Perhaps you have detached so far to keep the hurt from continuing to hurt you.  Or are you scared to have a reaction? That he will explode or that you will lose him?

Detachment can be a good thing... . or it can be disastrous. It depends on the ultimate purpose for our detachment. Is it to detach from someone who is hurting us, or is it to keep ourselves from feeling pain?  Our emotions and "gut reactions" are there for our survival.  They are integral parts of who we are and help to guide us.

One last thought, perhaps you are "stuck" because you are in a state of shock and disbelief.  It is very hard to accept that someone whom you love and who supposedly loves you would treat you like this. 

Those are just my thoughts. I hope some of it might help you. 

You have every right to feel whatever emotion you feel about it.  Let yourself feel it.

Keep us posted as there are some awesome contributors on this board.

Take Care!

[4now]

My BPD bf who has cheated on me and convinced me to stay with him, he will change, he only wants me, he doesn't want to hurt me, I'm the best woman in the world and the only woman for him etc... . is going to Mexico on vacation in October. I have known his password for his google account for a long time now... . and google shows search history if you're signed into your account when you search. I just found out he has been searching for escorts in Mexico. Right now as I write this he's even searching for "tongue condoms"... . gee I guess he'll REALLY need that!

That's all very intoxicating, the I love you, don't leave me, you're the only one for me.  But those are just words and his actions speak louder than that.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

[eternity75]

Rapt Reader, thank you for the links. I tend to go from reading all I can to needing a bit of a brain/emotional break. So I haven't gotten to them yet but I will definitely check them out sometime soon.

4now... . I think you are right about the detachment. I have been trying to emotionally detach from him and not have these terrible, anxiety-filled reactions. But I think you are right in that I am detaching so as not to feel pain. I don't know how to deal with this issue. Part of me is disgusted with him too and part of me still loves him and clings to the happy times together. I think it's easier for me to conjure up the happy times because he has never raged on me. I also agree with the words and actions not matching up. I told him that myself many times. So logically knowing that, why am I so attached to the words and the happy memories and dismissing everything else? This is no small thing... . this is huge. This is bigger than just cheating. This is PLANNED cheating... . with a prostitute! He knows how much his past actions have hurt me... . he knows how many lies I have caught him in... . and he "claims" he never wants to hurt me. So why is he doing something he knows will deliberately hurt me "if" i found out? Part of me wants to confront him on it. The other part wants to pretend it didn't happen. And yet another part wants to just nicely tell him "this isn't working out anymore" Like he deserves my kindness! And yet that seems to be what I keep giving him despite everything he has done.

[eternity75]

Something just occurred to me when I clicked on the workshop link and the first workshop was "from idealization to devaluation".

He continues to idealize me with his words, his I love you's, his wonderful treatment of me *when* we actually see each other. But do you think the cheating is his way of devaluation of me, without actually using words, without actually raging or throwing things at me or calling me nasty names? Because he doesn't seem to change the "getting caught" part. I catch him, and he begs and pleads and cries for forgiveness, calls non-stop, texts non-stop, clings to me... . and yet at the same time... . he turns around 5 minutes later and does the same things again... . or worse. Is this devaluation? Or is this just his compulsion for attention from others?

[seeking balance]

I catch him, and he begs and pleads and cries for forgiveness, calls non-stop, texts non-stop, clings to me... . and yet at the same time... . he turns around 5 minutes later and does the same things again... . or worse. Is this devaluation? Or is this just his compulsion for attention from others?

Sex/cheating seems to be one of his coping tools to his abandonment/engulfment fears... . It likely is not about you as much as he is self-soothing in a very maladaptive way.

It is good you are NOT reacting right now.   This is progress.  Get clear on your path - to the right, choosing a path can help.  If you are going to take him back each time without him and you getting serious help, why would you think things are going to be different.

Is he in any treatment at all?  Are you?

[MaybeSo]

He may be a sex addict; again, a way to self-sooth that can be horribly addicting and destructive. It's definitely not about you, it's his issues.

[eternity75]

I understand it is self-soothing I guess, but don't understand how it is not devaluation of me when he knows it will hurt me... . even in much bigger ways... . like health... . he could put my life at risk. Or does devaluation have to be open and deliberate against the nonBPD in order to be considered devaluing?

He has never yet openly devalued me. I think this is because we are in a LDR and it's easier for him to keep me on a pedestal. He was married before and has a child. He has never spoken of his marriage nor any of his past relationships. If mentioning a past relationship he often refers to the ex partner as crazy. He never talks about what upsets him. He acts like everything is ok. He refuses to talk to me about anything really personal. But he has said a few times during periods of extreme depression that sometimes he wishes he was dead. He talks about his past temper and rages, only to mention them in passing and say that he quit drinking because of that. I have never even seen him angry but it sounds like it has been a major thing in his past. When I have gotten angry he has referred to me as crazy... . but he does not express anger towards me or even show it exists. Again I think there is a lot going on inside that he does not express because he doesn't want anyone to see that side of him. He has also told me that I don't know how special I am because I have never seen how he was with girls in the past. He told me that whenever there was a problem with a girlfriend in the past he never apologized and always told them it was their issue or problem, not his, regardless if he played a part in doing something wrong, their problem with what he did was their problem to deal with. So because with me he will apologize, I am "special". He is definitely very high functioning. I think in a way his move to Canada from Mexico is maybe his escape from his past. He wanted to start a new life here... . and I think that means more than just a new job and new country, but a new HIM.

I have to pull back from trying to use my psychology background to try and "fix him". Every part of me wants to feel bad for him, wants to comfort him, wants in essence, to be like his confidant and counsellor. He does not know he has an BPD traits... . he would not even know what BPD is, I'm sure. And so no, he is definitely not in therapy. I am not sure this would even be something he would ever consider... . I think his culture would discourage therapy and see it is weak, especially for a man. I wonder if I should tell him about BPD. I know in my heart I cannot continue this relationship. If cheating wasn't a deal breaker for me, prostitution is.

And no, I am not in therapy. I cannot afford it. But I am starting to see from this relationship that I need it. I am reading The Betrayal Bond. It could have been written for me. I can see now how unhealthy my own boundaries (or lack of) and screwed up thinking.

[seeking balance]

I understand it is self-soothing I guess, but don't understand how it is not devaluation of me when he knows it will hurt me... . even in much bigger ways... . like health... . he could put my life at risk. Or does devaluation have to be open and deliberate against the nonBPD in order to be considered devaluing?

It is not about you - his emotions of (shame, unworthiness, abandonment - any or all) are leading him down a path that is much deeper than his love for you.

I know it feels disrespectful, trust me, I know first hand.

I am not saying he is not devaluing you either - only a therapist can get to the bottom of exactly why he is acting out in this way... . not you or me frankly.

Your boundaries are the only thing you can control.

I know there are 12 step meetings for partners of sex addicts - this is free and may be able to help you get some balance in your own life.  Nobody says you have to stay with this man, but like any addict - only when they reach their bottom do they change.

[musicfan42]

He doesn't care about being caught because he presumes that he can just put on the waterworks i.e. start crying, begging for forgiveness etc and that you'll fall for it and give him another chance until the next time it happens. Why would he feel remorseful for his bad behaviour when he's getting away with all the time? If anything, he's just pushing the boundaries even further and seeing what all he can get away with basically.

[eternity75]

Seeking balance... . I don't really need to go to a support group for partners of sex addicts... . because I don't plan on staying with him after all this. Right now I am using this as a learning experience... . mostly to learn about myself now so I can stop repeating these patterns of choosing bad relationship partners. I feel for him. His "secrets" I'm sure cause him immense shame. I think the most difficult part for me is trying to reconcile this totally sweet man with the shameful, secretive, hurtful side. The lies, the cheating... . I understand it is a result of pain deeply rooted within him. And I know exactly why I attracted him because he mirrors the unworthiness that I feel inside myself. I believe the sweet person I know is the real him, the person he wants to be, but the person he is incapable of being on a regular basis. Which is sad. I just wish I could wrap my mind around it. I wish I had the answers to "Who is he really?"

Musicfan... . you are right... . I know this. I thought if I loved him enough and gave everything I could and did not judge and accepted his mistakes that he could possibly change and be a loving committed partner. If not for all the good I see in him I would have been gone a long time ago. I realize I cannot help him change anything. These are issues that go way beyond me. I believe in forgiveness, but all the love and forgiveness in the world will not change his behaviour. I don't believe "tough love" will either, unfortunately. I think he will end up a sad and lonely person. He told me once, his uncle always had many women and when he was a child he wished to be just like his uncle. But he says today his uncle lives with a woman who is basically a prosititue, who doesn't love him, but she is company for him so he doesn't have to be alone. He said he sees this and doesn't want to be like his uncle now. But unfortunately, he is becoming exactly what he does not want to be.