New here... BPD MIL

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am brand new here. I just read 'Walking on Eggshells' and felt compelled to find more support.

I have been sucked up in my Mother in Laws disease for about 6 years now and after reading the book a couple of months ago I found safety in backing out of the relationship to get my bearings and strengthen my resolve in dealing with her (Only I haven't done that, I've just been hiding). However, she has wormed her way back in through my husband. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over a month, although when she is speaking to my husband on the phone she does try talk to me through him and he does spend days with his side almost every weekend (their like a cult of followers, my Father in Law, Sister in Law, Niece and Nephew in Law, and Husband). Safe to say we could use some therapy for our marriage, I feel like we have joint custody, he always comes back home so defeated and immature. This last weekend he told me some things she was saying about our hypothetical children (as we don't have any yet) and hurtful things about my personal beliefs (I tend to live in the what-I-don't-know-can't-hurt-me way of life). I have no desire to argue with her, I could never win anyhow... .

I'm not sure what to do. If I don't stand my ground she will continue to say things and butt in (her specialty) but when I do stand my ground I get kicked out of the family for months and intentionally treated poorly, as in attacks on my personality and beliefs (which I find strange because she always seems so interested in my beliefs). I didn't realize there was a name for what she does (other than bhit, sorry had to say it) until recently and I fear that I already allowed her nonsense to permeate my life to an unfixable degree. It's only now that I realize I wasn't crazy this whole time and that her entire family (except for those who live with her day and day out) had already self-diagnosed her. Her sister is the one who gave me the book after a very public family fall out where my MIL started the fight with her other sister and then stormed off and hasn't spoken to anyone yet (since mothers day).

I am reaching out because I will have to see her at my nieces birthday party this upcoming weekend and I am already getting anxious and a nervous stomach about it. I have Multiple Sclerosis and stress flares my disease and nothing stresses me out more than her, in fact nothing stresses me out BUT her. (Don't get me started on that, she's either smothering me or punishing me from everything to do my MS, my weight, to me and my husbands fertility treatments. She plays games, puts doubt in my marriage (very short lived as I am very secure), competes with my parents, buys what I buy and then switches sides on me and then her daughter is the star of the show, criticizes and insults everyone and everything. She tells me things about myself that aren't true and that I can see are actually her truths but she instead deflects on me. It's so bad that I sometimes wonder if I have BPD, too. I've just started lying to her to try and find peace, which is a double edged sword because my conscious does not like lying.)

I go to therapy, and am told time and time again (when we do talk about her because hello my life does not revolve around her) that I need to set boundaries but that is easier said then done. I fear her. I fear how she makes me feel about myself. I fear her punishments and silent treatments. I fear her destroying my marriage to her son. The biggest mistake we ever made was buying a house close to them, even though she never comes over, I keep my shades drawn in case she does so I can pretend that I am not home.

I was reading around and noticed that quite a few other people deal with this, or some form of this, and I just need direction.  

How should I proceed with the upcoming birthday party, usually I just wouldn't go to things when "times are bad" but it seems so unfair to my niece (her granddaughter), my niece is worth the trouble of dealing with my MIL, how else will she see that not everyone is like that? I can't save her but I can just be my warm loving self towards her, always.

Just to let you, the reader, just know that in my normal day to day life I really don't give her a second though. Out of sight out of mind, but someone bring up her name, the phone ring, or my husband wants to go do something with her and I have acute anxiety and will revert to silly immature fights with my husband to try and keep him with me instead of going and spending any time with her. It's become a problem.

Any advice would be fantastic. Even advice not locale to this situation, any help on how to stop fearing her disease and how to handle the backlash of going against her. All I have in my arsenal now is avoiding her, and I have gotten very good at that, but that is only temporary. I need the tools to deal with her for good.

Thanks,

fearandloathin

[fearandloathinginTexas]

I am brand new here. I just read 'Walking on Eggshells' and felt compelled to find more support.

I have been sucked up in my Mother in Laws disease for about 6 years now and after reading the book a couple of months ago I found safety in backing out of the relationship to get my bearings and strengthen my resolve in dealing with her (Only I haven't done that, I've just been hiding). However, she has wormed her way back in through my husband. I haven't seen her or spoken to her in over a month, although when she is speaking to my husband on the phone she does try talk to me through him and he does spend days with his side almost every weekend (their like a cult of followers, my Father in Law, Sister in Law, Niece and Nephew in Law, and Husband). Safe to say we could use some therapy for our marriage, I feel like we have joint custody, he always comes back home so defeated and immature. This last weekend he told me some things she was saying about our hypothetical children (as we don't have any yet) and hurtful things about my personal beliefs (I tend to live in the what-I-don't-know-can't-hurt-me way of life). I have no desire to argue with her, I could never win anyhow... .

I'm not sure what to do. If I don't stand my ground she will continue to say things and butt in (her specialty) but when I do stand my ground I get kicked out of the family for months and intentionally treated poorly, as in attacks on my personality and beliefs (which I find strange because she always seems so interested in my beliefs). I didn't realize there was a name for what she does (other than bhit, sorry had to say it) until recently and I fear that I already allowed her nonsense to permeate my life to an unfixable degree. It's only now that I realize I wasn't crazy this whole time and that her entire family (except for those who live with her day and day out) had already self-diagnosed her. Her sister is the one who gave me the book after a very public family fall out where my MIL started the fight with her other sister and then stormed off and hasn't spoken to anyone yet (since mothers day).

I am reaching out because I will have to see her at my nieces birthday party this upcoming weekend and I am already getting anxious and a nervous stomach about it. I have Multiple Sclerosis and stress flares my disease and nothing stresses me out more than her, in fact nothing stresses me out BUT her. (Don't get me started on that, she's either smothering me or punishing me from everything to do my MS, my weight, to me and my husbands fertility treatments. She plays games, puts doubt in my marriage (very short lived as I am very secure), competes with my parents, buys what I buy and then switches sides on me and then her daughter is the star of the show, criticizes and insults everyone and everything. She tells me things about myself that aren't true and that I can see are actually her truths but she instead deflects on me. It's so bad that I sometimes wonder if I have BPD, too. I've just started lying to her to try and find peace, which is a double edged sword because my conscious does not like lying.)

I go to therapy, and am told time and time again (when we do talk about her because hello my life does not revolve around her) that I need to set boundaries but that is easier said then done. I fear her. I fear how she makes me feel about myself. I fear her punishments and silent treatments. I fear her destroying my marriage to her son. The biggest mistake we ever made was buying a house close to them, even though she never comes over, I keep my shades drawn in case she does so I can pretend that I am not home.

I was reading around and noticed that quite a few other people deal with this, or some form of this, and I just need direction.  

How should I proceed with the upcoming birthday party, usually I just wouldn't go to things when "times are bad" but it seems so unfair to my niece (her granddaughter), my niece is worth the trouble of dealing with my MIL, how else will she see that not everyone is like that? I can't save her but I can just be my warm loving self towards her, always.

Just to let you, the reader, just know that in my normal day to day life I really don't give her a second though. Out of sight out of mind, but someone bring up her name, the phone ring, or my husband wants to go do something with her and I have acute anxiety and will revert to silly immature fights with my husband to try and keep him with me instead of going and spending any time with her. It's become a problem.

Any advice would be fantastic. Even advice not locale to this situation, any help on how to stop fearing her disease and how to handle the backlash of going against her. All I have in my arsenal now is avoiding her, and I have gotten very good at that, but that is only temporary. I need the tools to deal with her for good.

Thanks,

fearandloathin

[heartandwhole]

 

Hi fearandloathinginTexas,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation with your mother-in-law.  I can really understand why you try to avoid her, I'm sure I would, too.  These relationships can be very taxing, and it's only normal to want to protect yourself.  I commend you for wanting to learn tools to help the situation, and for going to therapy.  Those are fantastic ways to make things better.

How does your husband feel about your relationship with your MIL? 

Here are some resources that may be helpful right now:

Video-Tools to Reduce Conflict with a person suffering from BPD

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

Please keep writing, it helps.  We are here for you. 

heartandwhole