How to stop the Random Babble that goes on and on without hurting their feelings

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

H tends to ramble on and on.  Often there is no point to the conversation, he just likes to hear himself talk.  I do indulge him, but there are times when my attention needs to be elsewhere or I'm too tired to continue listening.  When we're on a long car ride together, it can get very frustrating because I'm a captured audience.  H gets upset if I receive a phone call and am on it too long (in his mind) because then I'm not available to listen to him ramble. 

What do I say to stop the conversation in a way that won't upset him?

[SadWifeofBPD]

H tends to ramble on and on.  Often there is no point to the conversation, he just likes to hear himself talk.  I do indulge him, but there are times when my attention needs to be elsewhere or I'm too tired to continue listening.  When we're on a long car ride together, it can get very frustrating because I'm a captured audience.  H gets upset if I receive a phone call and am on it too long (in his mind) because then I'm not available to listen to him ramble. 

What do I say to stop the conversation in a way that won't upset him?

[nevaeh]

This exact same thing happens to me, mainly when H is in a "good" mood.  He just talks and talks and talks about things that I really don't care about.  I have 3 kids and work full time and I'm very busy... . I value my quiet time when I can get it. It is quite exhausting!

Unfortunately I haven't figured out how to cope with this either, except that for the past year or so I have really minimized contact with him so that I don't get stuck in these mainly one-sided conversations.  What's frustrating is that when I try to tell HIM a story he interrupts me and tells me to get to the point (in a really rude way) if it's even a slightly long story.  He likes to talk politics and has very strong opinions on a whole range of issues.  You don't dare really disagree with him on one of his hot button issues because if you disagree then he will argue with you until you either see it his way or he gets really mad and just ends the conversation because he can't win.  Some of his opinions are repulsive to me but I just nod and smile just so he stop talking.  We have had some very uncomfortable situations with various family members when they start talking politics with him... . to the point that my family doesn't engage in those conversations with him anymore and I leave the room if he gets into a conversation with his family. 

I guess I've just gotten really good at smiling and nodding and not adding to the conversation (which just gives him more to talk about/disagree with).

[briefcase]

If I'm in the middle of something else, I'll just ask her to "hold that thought" so I can "give her my full attention" after I'm done with whatever I'm doing.  About half the time she drops whatever she wanted to say. 

If I'm just not interested in the topic, I can either practice validation ("you sound excited about this", or, if I'm not feeling up for that, I smile, nod and just listen as nevaeh said.

Sometimes, in life, we just have to listen.

[SadWifeofBPD]

I'll just ask her to "hold that thought" so I can "give her my full attention" after I'm done with whatever I'm doing

Oh god, I've tried that.  H will get very upset and say that NOTHING I'm doing should trump him and our marriage (even tho his convo has nothing to do wth our marriage.).

On Sunday, I was answering an email from a tenant.  I had three more words to type when H started to ask me a question. I asked him to wait a sec so I could finish the sentence and send the email... . he came unglued that I would put this email "before him".  Even tho I only had three words to type. 

The only thing my H has ever respected was when I was employed in a regular hours job at a company.  But, now that I'm self employed, he thinks that whatever I'm doing can be done "later" after his "needs.". 

[briefcase]

I'll just ask her to "hold that thought" so I can "give her my full attention" after I'm done with whatever I'm doing

Oh god, I've tried that.  H will get very upset and say that NOTHING I'm doing should trump him and our marriage (even tho his convo has nothing to do wth our marriage.).

On Sunday, I was answering an email from a tenant.  I had three more words to type when H started to ask me a question. I asked him to wait a sec so I could finish the sentence and send the email... . he came unglued that I would put this email "before him".  Even tho I only had three words to type. 

The only thing my H has ever respected was when I was employed in a regular hours job at a company.  But, now that I'm self employed, he thinks that whatever I'm doing can be done "later" after his "needs.". 

Yep, my wife gets upsets and reacts this way too - she even says the same thing about how I am putting something unimportant ahead of her.  She's allowed her opinion and her feelings.  If she wants to talk to me though, she'll have to wait a second.   

[waverider]

I know I have developed a selective deafness or skim listening, these monologues can go on continuously and I become capable of switching off yet can pick up important prompts that need a response. If it gets to much I just find somewhere else to go. I seem to need to go to the loo a lot... .

Biggest problem I think is that your own mind does not get time to think your own thoughts as it is always tied up 'listening'. So it becomes very tiring, and you become very ineffective in your own stuff.

I think it is important to draw some kind of consitent boundary to this, even if it does kick up a storm, otherwise it can sap you and sent you into depression.

[Chosen]

You know what, at first I didn't know how to answer to your post but today I suddenly remember something that happened.

uBPDh has strong views on politics and stuff (although he claims he doesn't).  In the past he would drone on and on about certain issues, particularly when it concerns people we both know who post about political stuff on Facebook and so on.  He would never talk to that person about it, but would go on and on attacking that person's views in front of me.  Honestly, I don't care about politics and I certainly don't want to fill our chatter times having negative talks about somebody else who don't matter to me. 

In the past I would sometimes defend those people, sometimes agree with him... . anyway, I got involved and things never ends well.  He wants to express his opinions, not actually have a discussion.  Then (and I didn't do it consciously, I just ran out of things to say), I stopped responding.  I would say, "Hmm... . " "uh huh", and similar, and don't say anything else.  Initially he would be pissed, trying to get me to respond, I would say "I don't really have any opinion on this."  Then gradually he stops talking to me about those topics a lot less.  I guess it's because I'm no fun now that I don't respond 

[nevaeh]

Chosen... .

My H is the same way.  Strong opinions on certain things, especially political views.  I used to try and argue with him too, or at least present counter arguments.  Now I just say "I understand where you're coming from" and it pretty much ends it.  The only thing that bothers me about that is that some of his views are crazy (IMO) and I feel that he needs to hear the counterarguments, but I know from experience it will do absolutely no good and will actually make him dig his heels in farther. 

Sadly, I've pretty much just stopped engaging in conversation with him because it's just emotionally draining. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

My H has VERY strong political leanings.  Thankfully, we both share many political views, so we don't argue about politics.  However, he's VERY RUDE to others who have differing views... . even if he's a guest in their homes!

One time H and I did have a differing view.  He was very mad at me.  The weird thing is that later he came to agree with my view and actually remembers that I changed his mind about that.  ha ha.

I have used the "potty break" as an excuse, but H will often follow me to the bathroom and talk outside the door (gosh, can't even pee in peace!).

H's mom (who doesn't have BPD, but was very spoiled and indulging... . and may have some NPD traits) talks a mile a minute, so H may get some of his non-stop talking from her.  I remember my boss once said to me, "your husband talks nonstop, how do you get a word in edgewise."     That's when H and I worked for the same company, but not the same boss.  H sometimes would come to my dept and stop and chat with my boss. 

When these nonstop one way convos are on the phone, I've tried to pretend that another call is coming thru, but that just annoys H.  So, now I pretend that I'm getting a bad connection and can't hear him.    (god, I hate to lie, but it's the only way to stop this nonsense.)

[ApChagi1]

Holy cow . . .I have wondered about this exact same thing too.  My dBPDw isn't able to work because of the disorder and spends the bulk of the day watching daytime TV.  The second I walk in the door from being at work all day, she usually starts giving me the recap of all the shows she watched . . .Dr. Phil and Katie Couric and The Talk and things she recorded on the Oprah Network.  Which, quite honestly, are largely geared towards women anyway. 

I have not found a polite way to tell her I really don't want to hear about any of them, but I know that will be taken as "I don't care about what you're doing", so I usually just try to keep quiet and endure it.   I feel like I should get a Klondike Bar at the end like the TV commercials.

[Cloudy Days]

I've asked a similar question about this. Mainly, me wanting some quiet time only to have my husband talk or complain about one thing or another constantly so it's never quiet.

My husband also doesn't work and I am pretty much the only person he really talks to during the day. I tend to just stay quiet for the most part and nod. I try to act a little interested because he gets super pissed off if I ignore him. But it can drive someone insane. I've never been a big talker, I like comfortable silence and after being at work all day long that's really all I want. I can't exactly tell him to shut up because he's annoying me with his constant chatter. His mind never rests, I think that's the problem.

[TriggerMortis]

My wife with BPD tends to go on rambles, then apologizes later and says, "Sorry, I know I'm rambling." I DO enjoy listening to her for the most part, and it's important I be attentive while she shares her feelings. She used to like listening to me go on about various topics, but she usually cuts me short and insists I need to be succinct. I find that hypocritical and wish I could do so like earlier in our relationship, when she'd raptly listen. So it feels one-sided.

[SadWifeofBPD]

She used to like listening to me go on about various topics, but she usually cuts me short and insists I need to be succinct. I find that hypocritical and wish I could do so like earlier in our relationship, when she'd raptly listen. So it feels one-sided.

How true!

We were in the car with our adult son and I was telling a story.  H interupted me and said that my story was boring.  Our son said that the story was interesting and he wanted to hear the end of it.  The real point was that H wanted to talk, so he wanted me to shut up.

[Chosen]

My H as well.  The hypocricy! 

He can ramble on, but he always tells me to "get to the point".  He can repeat his "lectures" on me, claiming he wants to help me- and I mean for hours or even days, but if I repeat the same thing more than twice he gets mad (it's true- 2 times is his limit, tested by trial and error  ).

Also, when we're with other people, if I do so much as repond to somebody in the middle of their speech (sometimes just to give a one-sentence response), he will later on say I was being rude.  But he will often cut me off and let other people speak.  Yes, to him I'm always last, after everybody else. 

[SadWifeofBPD]

He can ramble on, but he always tells me to "get to the point". 

that's because of their immaturity. They're not really "giving" people.  They can pretend to be in order to impress a new love or similar.  Once you're in their circle, then you're now a "designated listener" for their rambles.  They're not really interested (or patient enough) to listen to any of your stories. 

[overwhelmedandconfused]

I truly understand this. My husband knows I am busy. I work full time, care for HIM full time, care for D3, do all the errands, pay all the bills, took on an extra job so that he didnt have to get a job, I help him do his homework for school (ie. I do it), and do almost all the cleaning in the house. He re-arranges and "fixes" things which really only means more crap for me to clean up later. But yet I am still supposed to be attentive and focused on his every word. I also am cut off and can relate to whomever it was that stated not being able to talk about anything without being told to get to the point. It is as if the person who has all the time in the world while those who are extremely busy get nothing and they get it all.

[dotSlash]

I know the feeling. My BPDgf will call me and ask how my day was, and I'll talk for about 30 seconds before realizing she's not listening. Then 30 sec later she'll say "sorry I was getting food" and ask me to repeat. I repeat what I said and after 60 sec of silence she'll say "hey do you think you could buy me something online?" as if what I just said wasn't processed whatsoever. And on the flip side, if she is talking to me, the vents will last upwards of an hour, and if I say I have to leave for <legitimate reason> she will flip out and paint me black for up to 24 hours of nc. It's brutal. Sometimes when she's going on, I'll read or watch something on the side - I can mutlitask the two well enough to actively listen and respond to everything she's saying and also not be bored out of my mind. Car trip alone might be another case... I feel sorry for you

[waverider]

Much of my partners rambling is actually a preamble, setting a reworked history if you like to validated something she is about to ask for, or make an excuse for. It comes from an insecurity that I wont believe what she is about to say.

She has no regard to the timing of this or how busy i am at the moment. I am now starting to politely remind her that I busy ansd she can tell me shortly when I am not distracted. The issue is often of little importance and not brought up again

[Gimme Peace]

I totally can relate. When I talk about something, 30 seconds in he gets a deer-in-the-headlights look and starts yawning. He is very quiet, but when he does want to talk/ramble its at inappropriate times, i.e. in a movie theater, in a crowd etc. he talks about things that should be said in private (sexual, personal etc.). He talks a lot when I'm trying to watch a favorite show, just rambling about whatever. Almost impossible to watch a movie with him, during that time he won't shut up. I haven't figured out how to handle this, if I ask him to be quiet, he gets very angry... . *sigh*