BPD mother died 5 months ago - I'm still stuck

[Our abuse recovery guide]

My BPD mother died six months ago.  She had instructed friends and lawyers not to tell me she was ill and I only found out that she had died from the funeral home as my name was on the funeral bond as next-of-kin.  She also disinherited me 10 days before she died and gave all her money to a person who had recently come back into her life.

I was at the funeral, saw her buried but because I had limited contact with her, it still feels like before and that she is still alive, in my mind.  Of course I know she isn't but it was like 'out of sight, out of mind'.

The FOG continues metephorically speaking - it is still hazy and unclear.  However the fear has gone of course, well at least the fear of her harming me directly, but I am contesting her will, so in a way that still hangs over me.  The obligation has gone, however I feel obliged to continue with this if only to honour my father who died 16 years ago.  But the guilt remains.

Music on the radio, people dying on television, choke me up as I still feel desperately sad that she died alone.  I have been reading her medical notes which I got under Freedom of Information, and I feel so sad that she went through this alone, even if it was her own crazy choice.

I try not to stay on this website too much because I tell myself I need to move on and it's so easy to get involved in other people's stories.

I feel so confused about my feelings, about not moving on, about still hurting so much.  I don't talk about it to anyone apart from my partner because so few people understand what having a BPD mother is like or care.

Can anyone give me any pointers or suggestions for moving on?

J x

[Odysseus.]

My BPD mother died six months ago.  She had instructed friends and lawyers not to tell me she was ill and I only found out that she had died from the funeral home as my name was on the funeral bond as next-of-kin.  She also disinherited me 10 days before she died and gave all her money to a person who had recently come back into her life.

I was at the funeral, saw her buried but because I had limited contact with her, it still feels like before and that she is still alive, in my mind.  Of course I know she isn't but it was like 'out of sight, out of mind'.

The FOG continues metephorically speaking - it is still hazy and unclear.  However the fear has gone of course, well at least the fear of her harming me directly, but I am contesting her will, so in a way that still hangs over me.  The obligation has gone, however I feel obliged to continue with this if only to honour my father who died 16 years ago.  But the guilt remains.

Music on the radio, people dying on television, choke me up as I still feel desperately sad that she died alone.  I have been reading her medical notes which I got under Freedom of Information, and I feel so sad that she went through this alone, even if it was her own crazy choice.

I try not to stay on this website too much because I tell myself I need to move on and it's so easy to get involved in other people's stories.

I feel so confused about my feelings, about not moving on, about still hurting so much.  I don't talk about it to anyone apart from my partner because so few people understand what having a BPD mother is like or care.

Can anyone give me any pointers or suggestions for moving on?

J x

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Odysseus. I'm so sorry for all that is going on with you regarding your Mom's passing; it all sounds so sad and complicated and stressful! I'm sorry that you are still feeling guilty, but I bet in your heart you realize you did the best you could with her, under the circumstances. We are always harder on ourselves than anyone else; outsiders will have compassion and understanding for you and know that you were put into a situation that forced you to do things you would have rather not (no communication, etc.).

To the right of this page right here are some GREAT links to Lessons and Articles that might help you right now... . "Taking Care of Yourself" and "Understand the Effects of Growing Up in a BPD Environment" might be comforting for you, maybe? Keep scrolling down, and there are Articles Re: Mourning & Healing. I have never been in a situation like yours, so I can't help from my experience. But I do know that we see you as trying and coping, not as someone who needs to beat himself up for things that were out of his control... .  

[GeekyGirl]

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Odysseus.   It may feel sometimes like you lost your mother a long time ago, and other times like she's still alive, especially when those feelings of FOG come up.

You didn't have the chance to say goodbye, which can be hard to come to terms with. It is sad that she died alone, but you're right: that's the choice she made. I can understand how that must hurt and how you may feel some responsibility. It's important to take care of yourself and forgive yourself, as Rapt Reader said.

Can anyone give me any pointers or suggestions for moving on?

There's no wrong or right way to feel, and people mourn in different ways. Is there something that you could do, some sort of ritual or ceremony that you could do to remember and/or symbolically move on? Give yourself time and permission to grieve in the way that seems right to you.

It's wonderful that you have a supportive partner. Are you working with a therapist or grief counselor? Sometimes just having that extra support can make a huge difference.

[ScarletOlive]

Odysseus,

I'm sorry for the pain you're going through. Grief is never easy.   Please know that it's okay to mourn, and just feel things through. I would imagine that things will get easier when your loss is not so fresh in your mind. The waves might still crash, but they won't pull you out to sea anymore.

It makes sense that some of your grief stems from knowing she was alone when she died. But that is not your fault. It's what she wanted. You came to her funeral, and honor her memory, and you were LC to protect the both of you. So, it seems like you are both taking care of yourself and her in the best way possible, even now. I hope writing this out has brought you some comfort.

[Odysseus.]

Thank you all for your comments and support.

I suppose I still need to work through the survivors guide because I still feel a lot of this was my fault and I need to understand how it wasn't.  Not trying to be a victim, just feel still that I could have done many more things to perhaps help.

But now she's gone I should turn this energy into helping myself.  I just feel that at 58 I have used up so much energy on her craziness.

Love

J

[Calsun]

Hi Odysseus,

I'm very sorry for the pain you are in.  One of the things that I've learned is that relating to my uBPD mother was like being in a catch-22 situation, constantly.  No matter what I did my mother would villainize me or make me out to be the bad one.  And I learned how to do that to myself.  And I think on some level, I felt that because there was nothing I could do to make her happy, the only thing that I could do to deal with the guilt I felt, was to hurt myself for "failing her, to be unhappy and in pain, too.

I think one of the most frustrating things in life is just to admit that there were certain things that we have no control over.  I always have talked about my mother's abuse and violence, her hurting me, but I was also in such pain for her. She would rage uncontrollably and then wail like a baby. She was so depressed and unhappy, so incapable of being happy, that on some level I thought I could make her feel better and relieve my guilt, if I was in pain, too.  And, of course, in so many ways she encouraged just that.

To realize that we can live after a parent or loved one dies, that we can be joyous when our loved one is in pain from which they cannot seek help, that we can let go of a drowning person who is pulling us to the ocean bottom, when we can do nothing to save them, is one of the most painful and difficult things to do, especially when our mothers have labeled us as bad and uncaring and demeaned our goodness.

Thank you so much for sharing you story.  It helped me. I wish you lots of love and comfort during this time of grief.

Calsun