How do I make my child cope?

[shiv]

Hi, I am married for 7 years to a BPD wife and have a 6 year old son. I have been reading up on articles on this forum and this is my first post on this board. What is eating into me is the mistreatment meeted out to our son and its long term impact on his life. The almost daily sudden berating, swearing and frequent hitting is having a terrible effect on him. Her unstable moods and rages has him scared and he has expressed on many occasions that he is quite afraid of her. I have also noticed him walking on eggshells around her when she is in those moods (which is almost every other day) and I believe its too much for a small child to handle. My wife does not work so our son spends a lot more time with her and I see his mood changing as per the way her moods change. By the time I get back from work the almost daily damage has been done and I set out to repair it with trying to be extra encouraging (boost his self esteem) and loving. No amount of explaining helps. The triggers for her berating the child are almost unidentifiable and definitely not avoidable in daily life.

My questions

1. How do I make a 6 year old understand how to cope with a BPD person whom I as a adult have great difficulty coping with?

2. Any tools/advice for this situation from anybody in a similar situation.

Thanks.

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[Mr Mom...]

Hi Shiv,

So sorry to hear about an innocent child having to go through life with this kind of treatment. It's this kind of treatment that continues the cycle of dysfunction into the next generation. At least your child has one parent that is capable of showing love and affection on a consistent basis.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, prior to going through a divorce. My son, at the time was 8 YO, and his mother would emotionally abuse him, although not nearly as bad as you describe.

I found a book called 'An umbrella for Alex' by Rachel Rashkin that was specifically written for this type of situation and  when my son was feeling the brunt of his mother's wrath, we would sit down in a quiet place and  read the book together. We read the book many, many times over the months and  I have no doubt that it really helped my son to understand that this was not his fault. It made him feel much better about himself and helped give him some level of confidence around his mother during the tough times.

It's a great book and I would definitely recommend it to anyone in this type of situation. It's a good way to start, for now.

Other than that, I would try to keep your child away from the bad situations as much as possible, and continue to show consistent love and affection, and spend lots of 'one on one' time together.

[shiv]

Hi Mr Mom, Thank you and bless you for this valuable information. I have only come to know of what BPD is a few days back and have to setup protective measures for my son on a war footing now.

[Mr Mom...]

You're very welcome, my friend.

BPD is a very difficult thing to have to deal with. Wishing you the very best.

[zaqsert]

Hi Shiv,

Mr Mom gave very good advice.  You will need to be the consistent and stable parent for your son.

I have a 2 year-old daughter who unfortunately gets invalidation, criticism, and other forms of what feel like emotional abuse from my uBPDw (a link to abbreviations is towards the very top of the page).  Applying the lessons on these boards (links on the right of the page) have helped reduce conflict with my wife, which in turn has had some positive effect towards our daughter.

There have been lessons that are really helping with my daughter too.  One in particular right now is validation, helping her to learn that I listen to her and care what she thinks and feels, which helps boost her self-esteem.  Here is a link to a thread where parents of BPD children shared a really nice list of resources that may help children of BPD parents to grow up healthier than they may otherwise be:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202679.0

My T (therapist) told me that as long as at least one parent is consistent, loving, and stable, then the child is much more likely not to develop a personality disorder themselves.  The child is likely to benefit from therapy to work through other issues, but they are more likely not to suffer from a personality disorder.

Then there is the issue of what to do with your son in the moment, during a rage or harsh criticism.  Many of us here walk the fine line between protecting our children and not wanting to undermine our spouse's parenting.  For me, I suppose it depends on the severity of what my wife is doing.

There are some times when I try to find ways to take my daughter out of the situation, and days when I take her out of the house altogether to do something fun for her.  At times when I validate my wife's feelings (e.g., frustration) but do not validate the invalid (e.g., ignore the actual complaint, especially if it is something like a complaint of my daughter acting like the 2 year-old that she is!), I find that my wife lets go of it more quickly and changes topics or goes off to do something else.

Unfortunately, there are still the times when my wife splits our daughter black (as they say) and either gets really angry at her or completely ignores her.  This is when I remind my daughter that mommy's anger is not her fault.  If she did something she should not have, I will still address it, but I help her learn that she is not responsible for her mom's extreme emotions and actions.

There are a number of members here who are going through or have gone through situations similar to yours.  Please feel free to keep posting, and let us know how it goes.

zaqsert

[zaqsert]

I found a book called 'An umbrella for Alex' by Rachel Rashkin that was specifically written for this type of situation and  when my son was feeling the brunt of his mother's wrath, we would sit down in a quiet place and  read the book together. We read the book many, many times over the months and  I have no doubt that it really helped my son to understand that this was not his fault. It made him feel much better about himself and helped give him some level of confidence around his mother during the tough times.

It's a great book and I would definitely recommend it to anyone in this type of situation. It's a good way to start, for now.

Mr Mom, how safe is this book to get with my uBPDw at home?  Is it discreet enough, or is it likely to trigger my wife into thinking I'm ganging up against her?

[Mr Mom...]

The book isn't really discreet towards pwBPD. It does actually mention the words ' Borderline Personality Disorder' on the back cover in not-so-small letters, so I would say yes it could definitely be a trigger point.

It is available from Amazon (I just looked it up) but unfortunately it's not available electronically. Maybe another supplier has it in electronic form.

The book is short, 16 pages and  is written with large font and simple words and pictures so it's easy for children to either read or follow. It's really directed towards the Mother as being the one with mood swings, but I guess it could be explained to be the other way around if necessary.

I think I remember it coming in a plain brown package, but that was years ago, and I would imagine that that would depend on where you order it from.

It's a good book. Well worth having if you have children in the line of fire... .