He dissociated and dumped me

[connect]

So dissociated b/f appeared tonight as predicted.

He called me up and in an emotionless voice tells me our week off together with his son next week is cancelled and he will be spending time with his son alone.

He has only had 5 hours sleep last night and a weekend away drinking with the boys and not sleeping well as he was camping. Lots of triggers approaching in the next two week. (Exactly the same pattern as before) He claims his problem with me is that I don't talk to him. I tried to talk normally but lost it and screamed at him (not my finest hour) saying "what the **** do you want me to talk about?" He hung up.

I went round his house in a mess. I cried. He calmly said that the only way he can get me to talk to him is to dump me. He was saying that he had dumped me. This is a converstation we hadnt actually had as on the phone he just wanted space, but then it had turned to him dumping me. As usual the dissociated version of him looked different and talked different. He said he was relieved to have ended it, he felt better and his feelings were gone. I asked him if he was scared that I would hurt him as we had been having a good time of closeness together and had another period coming up. I said it was a pattern. He admitted that he was scared I would hurt him. I asked if thats why he was doing it first and he agreed it was.

He said he cant go on like this as I keep "crushing" him. I think some of this feeling is as I was a bit distant with him on Sunday as I was trying to avoid conflict and he sensed this. I cried that night. I think it scared him.

He kept saying I dont talk to him. He was wildly scrabbing round for excuses. He said that he doesnt understand why I am not living in my old flat. I explained AGAIN that I need to get full time work to be able to afford this. He says I dont talk to him about my housing arrangements. He said that when I do talk about my housing arrangements its because I am trying to make him feel guilty so I can move in with him.

He said he doesnt love me. He said he was thinking about me moving in with him next week as a trial run but now he has made a decision. He said he had to make a decision and this is what it is.

I shouldnt even re-hash here what he was saying as its dissociated emotional vomit.

As I left I said I would call him on Friday to see how he is (this was meant to be the start of our week off together) He seemed calmer, said ok and he would try to get some sleep.

I couldnt reach him at all. Same as last time. I knew it was coming. Why did I go and see him on Monday when I needed a cuddle? Why did I do this? I know I got my truth out there on that day but if I had left him alone until Friday we would have been ok. He would have enjoyed the week with me and his son (he doesnt do this behaviour round his son) I feel that my bad management of the situation has made this happen.

I will go and see him on Friday. I expect he will still be dissociated. The problem with him is that he gets over tired/overwhelmed and then dumps/silent treatments me. He then gets his sleep and feels better and relates his sleep catchup and feeling better with the fact that he is not seeing me. If he is still like this on friday then I will have to emotionally detach. I cant go through again the way I felt on 1st June when he last did this.

So the plan is to go see him Friday and then detach if he is still bad.

I knew he would do this as we have time off and his sons birthday approaching and have been close recently and making plans. I have a weeks holiday booked off work and feel awful.

The last time this happened we had no contact for ten days and then he reached out. I left it 2 days went to see him and we re-connected. The ten days last time were terrible for me. I know these are not his feelings when he is stable, its his dissociated side.

Thanks to maybeso and scout for responding to my last thread. Wont answer on that one as this one is more relevant now.

How do they go from a week off together, a trial run at living together and a period of closeness to this?

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[connect]

Another thing he said was "now you can go and find someone to be with that's less crazy than me"

[Mr Mom...]

Oh, Connect, I'm so sorry for you to have to go through this. This is very similar to what I have been going through, and still am. It's such a rollercoaster ride.

It seems, as I am learning here, that when they dump you, it's because they can't handle the stress of dealing with a relationship. To them, I suspect, it's the  most frightening thing in the world. It's just easier to end it (for now) so they can get some stress relief. I don't think they even consider what the other partner has to go through during this. It's just all about them. And it sucks, for us.

As you know, my g/f dumped me, (I think she did this because she didn't want to have to face her behaviour). Then she asked me if I wanted to talk, so I said yeah, ok. And now she says she'll let me know when she's ready!... . they just are not capable of empathy in any way shape or form.

Uggghhhhhhhhhhh... .

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Connect, I'm so sorry. Please take care of yourself, try to eat a little and sleep a little if possible. I know it's hard, but your body needs it. Or drink something with a lot of energy, like a sports drink. I survived on that (and chocolate) for a couple of weeks during a horrible break-up.

I just wanted to say that it's not your fault.

Let me say that again: it's not your fault

I read your other thread too, but didn't leave an answer in that one as you had some really good ones. But I did see what happened. And now I think it's important that you know that he would have dysregulated whether you did a, b, or c or none of the above. He dysregulates because he's borderline. That's what he does. You could have talked on the phone or texted or not been in contact and the same thing likely would have happened. You say so yourself:

He has only had 5 hours sleep last night and a weekend away drinking with the boys and not sleeping well as he was camping. Lots of triggers approaching in the next two week.

He's just dumping on you because that's what he needed. He would have found another excuse, another way to dump on you. It's not your fault. This is BPD.

Hang in there, Connect. We're here for you 

[123Phoebe]

He called me up and in an emotionless voice tells me our week off together with his son next week is cancelled and he will be spending time with his son alone.

He said that he doesnt understand why I am not living in my old flat. I explained AGAIN that I need to get full time work to be able to afford this. He says I dont talk to him about my housing arrangements. He said that when I do talk about my housing arrangements its because I am trying to make him feel guilty so I can move in with him.

He said he doesnt love me. He said he was thinking about me moving in with him next week as a trial run but now he has made a decision. He said he had to make a decision and this is what it is.

As I left I said I would call him on Friday to see how he is (this was meant to be the start of our week off together) He seemed calmer, said ok and he would try to get some sleep.

I knew he would do this as we have time off and his sons birthday approaching and have been close recently and making plans. I have a weeks holiday booked off work and feel awful.

How do they go from a week off together, a trial run at living together and a period of closeness to this?

Connect, I suspect the week off together wasn't at the top of his list and I'm very sorry.  It's like the relationship you want is right there, so close, only it's miles away... .   Actions speak way louder than words.

His feelings seem to be geared around you not having your own flat or the money to secure it.  Which leads me to ask... .   If you've explained to him that you need to secure full-time employment to be able to afford your own place, then why are you taking a week off from your current job to spend time with him and his son?  Do you plan on job hunting while you're off, also?  Is being able to afford your own flat a priority, or are you hoping to move back in with him?  He can say whatever he wants, but are the actions matching the words by either one of you?

It's so easy and seductive to blame ourselves for things, with the driver behind it that if we can just do and say things perfectly, we will have the relationship of our dreams... .   It's not going to happen with someone who's mentally ill, or anyone    It's not your fault and it is out of your control! 

We have to have an excellent relationship with ourselves first!  That is totally within our control.

Do you want to get your own flat?  If you do, then make it happen.  Make it a priority!

All this other stuff with him is dreamy... .   He has shown you time and time again how he really is when things get too close for comfort.  There's not a thing you can do about it.  Trying to get closer pushes him away.  When he tries to get closer, he becomes overwhelmed, too!  So, it's not you, it's the disorder... .

There are no magic words or potions to stop him from being this way.  Expecting him to be any different will bring you all kinds of suffering.

It's up to you to do things differently.  And not to secure a relationship with him, but to secure your own well-being and future... .

Detach from him and attach to yourself

[MaybeSo]

Yes, detach from him and attach to yourself, perfectly said. This is needed no matter what... . whether he stays or goes.

I tried living with my ex for several years... . omg... . the closeness is cryptonite for these folks. So after the 6th move out (slow learner) I bought my own place and got more involved in my own life, my and ex really respects that I did that... . people respect it when you take care of yourself, more importantly, it helps establish a better relationship with yourself.

[connect]

Thank you so much for the kind words 

I am going to answer this in a few hours when I am back.

Am trying to stay busy to keep the depression wolf from the door and the thoughts from my head. 

It's grim. Have gone from a numb feeling to picking over the bones of what he said and doubting myself. Horrible.

I can't allow myself to fall into the same feelings I had last time this happened - it scared me how ill I got.

I am going to post here later tonight as I don't want to bottle things up either.

[Grey Kitty]

I just want to repeat one thing.   It is not your fault

Perhaps you could have responded better to what he did. But if he was mentally and emotionally healthy, this situation wouldn't have even happened. Or if something like it did and you blew up, he would have responded better to you.

 Hang in there!

[Newkate]

The problem with him is that he gets over tired/overwhelmed and then dumps/silent treatments me.

Mine does this as well. I am here if you want to talk about it. It can be so tough and confusing, but most importantly you need to take care of YOURSELF when this happens. I am still learning this, and it is tough.

[connect]

Hi guys,

Thanks so so much for the replies - sorry I have been of radar to answer.

Re-connected with bf on Friday (I want round and acted like nothing had happened) Have been staying there since. He is starting to disregulate AGAIN after a lovely day yesterday. I am up early atm looking after his son so he can sleep in. He will awake and possibly dump me again... . :-( Last night he was awake in the night very anxious and upset with me as he couldnt sleep and said I woke him. He left the bed and slept in his sons room.

I am not looking forward to him waking up tbh. Dont know how to handle him. Want to talk to him but he just gets worse in this state... .

[connect]

Back again... .

So the kracken awakes... .

Terrible mood as predicted. Went into a rage with me. EVERYTHING is my fault. He cant sleep when I am there, I am dragging him down. He started getting my stuff and told me to go. We were meant to be at a dog show today. He is going without me but says I can meet him there but he cant promise to be nice. He is going to meet at the show his two hot lesbian neighbours (great)

When I slept eventually after his night time rant I had a horrible dream that his friends were all standing round me in a circle insulting me while he just watched and let them do it.

He said some classic BPD indicators. He can only think of himself. He is now in survival mode so there is no point speaking to him as he cant "hear me properly. He needs space to get back to normal - he wants this space in the evenings and at night so he can sleep (enjoy the 6am wake up calls from your son then!). He cuts people out as they cause him to feel like this and it has always worked for him in the past. He thinks in black and white as he cant think in grey. I validated the feelings underneath where I could but in rage mode its hard for them even to hear that I find. I said I would respect his wishes and not stay overnights (who knows if there will be any days though?) To his credit he said he would try to give me a "timeline" as to when we would see each other next. He said it would take a few days but he will think badly of me in that time as its my fault. He also said that as he is on his own now tonight he will take his valium and a sleeping pill and if he accidently overdoses that doesn't matter as he isn't scared of death and he will be dead anyway so who cares. Great. Thanks for that little nugget. What do I do with that?

He is going to drop his son off at his mums for the night as he is so tired and its my fault and I have spoilt his time off with his son. (I get up every morning at 6am with his son when I am there to enable this man to get EXTRA sleep)

He ate some food and calmed down slighty.

Will probably pop down to the show and see how the land lies. He will not be able to rage as will be with people. He said he knows this is not what I want in a b/f. He says he hates being like this.

One of the things that makes this harder is that I am not telling my two close friends ANY of this. The dumping this week etc. They are losing patience and so have been dealing with this only with you lovely people on these boards, a long distance fabulous understanding friend and one other non judgemental friend.

In answer to your questions phoebe - yes I am job hunting when off and am looking to get back into my own place. I also am trying to keep hold of my life when he dumps me. When he dumped me earlier in the week I spent a few hours with a nice single guy I know who is interested in me.

I did say some things to my b/f very calmly about his patterns and how he periodically cuts people out of his life. He says he is well aware of this. Also I re-affirmed my view that his meds helped before he took himself off them. I logically said some other things some of which partially reached him but that logic v's BPD emotion and that doesn't work as we all know.

He cant handle holidays and birthdays and closeness. Yuk.

I know ... . do I want this in a r/s? No I don't - I have hope for improvement if he is back on his meds... . He hasn't always been like this - its since he came off the meds. I want him back on them.

r/s status atm? I am unsure... .

(modified post) He just sent me a text "Sorry. I know you mean well. Just need to sleep"

[arabella]

So the kracken awakes... .

Sorry, but... .

(modified post) He just sent me a text "Sorry. I know you mean well. Just need to sleep"

This ^^ about sums it up. I get the same sort of thing from H. It's like, in their minds, it absolves them of all the crap they've recently spewed and now the slate is clean again. Sort of, 'it never even happened, so why are you still upset?' Blows my mind.

You're right though, there's not much point in going over what he said previously. It was all mood dependent anyway. He dysregulates, spews some random garbage, and then goes on like it never happened once he feels better. I notice people on these boards get 'dumped' quite frequently - yet we all have r/s to 'stay' in!

You're probably right about the meds. Problem is, you can't make him take them. I know you've said before that he has an 'as needed' type prescription he occasionally takes and is much better when he does. That's promising. Do you think you can talk to him about seeing his doctor? The key is to have him think it's his idea and strictly for his benefit (not yours). There's a book that gets recommended on here fairly often: 'I'm Not Sick, I Don't Need Help'. It deals with how to have these sorts of conversations. There is a video of Dr. Amador (the author) presenting a Schizophrenia Society conference, I haven't watched it, but maybe it would be helpful? www.youtube.com/watch?v=LdVj8gXsETs

And, no matter what happens, you need a full-time job and a place to live. Try to focus some more energy there - it will keep you from being so wrapped up in your bf's drama, give you some self-esteem back, AND move you forward into the life you really want for yourself anyway. Plus, if your bf sees you focusing your attention on something besides him, you know that will cause him to start to perk up around you. He fell in love with the confident, self-sufficient version of Connect - bring her back!

[123Phoebe]

Connect, have you read the book "Codependent No More"?

It really helped me take a better look at myself and I still pull it out from time to time when struggling with things that   are  out  of  my  control.  

my stuff -vs- his stuff = good stuff

[connect]

Hello,

Thanks Phoebe - yes i have got that book thanks - I will re-read it. I reached a low point today finding myself charging round a dog show, having a meltdown whilst looking for my b/f... . Seriously I would have been better off telling myself "this is HIS stuff", leaving him to it and watching a film instead.   I find it so hard to have a period of not seeing him when things have been left badly. Am going to read some of your older posts to look at your journey.

Arabella x x Yes I know your H does similar things - they often dont even remember half of what they said!

I notice people on these boards get 'dumped' quite frequently - yet we all have r/s to 'stay' in!

This quote of yours makes me feel much better! You know the panicky feeling I get just seems to take over and make me act in ways that dont do me any favours. If I could crack getting rid of that panic I would be happier. I don't panic in the face of rages/dysregulation (most of the time) now but when he goes awol afterwards I freak out. My brain is screaming "this is life and death Connect! Do something!"

Thanks for the book idea too - will look at that.

Also the finding myself advise is so true - I can see it in others situations but dont translate it to myself terribly well.

One thing I think did get through to him today... .

I said "What would you do if I raged, insulted our r/s and asked you to leave? What would you think and do?"

He said "I would figure you need to sot your head and would leave you alone"

I said "would it not bother you? You wouldnt be upset?"

He said... . thoughtful eapression of concentration on his face... . "I dont know, maybe I would be upset"

Its like the empathy is not automatic for them

btw he sent me an apology and a couple more texts (even with a smiley face) so he is at least still talking to me - amazing after that outburst.

Am off to bed now - it was a long day x

[Siamese Rescue]

My boyfriend of 7 years dumped me on 4/26 - similar explosion to what we all read about. I was posting on this site so upset and scared. I was shredded to pieces. Somehow I found the inner strength to stay away. I had never been able to do it before. Now? Three months later he has been calling people close to me since May. Texted me once in June (I didn't reply) and last week left a card for my birthday with a wad of cash and notes saying he loves me today, tomorrow and will love me a hundred lifetimes from now. He still hasn't called because he claims he's afraid I'll tell him to shove off and he can't handle it. He's supposedly calling me when he can confirm my Mom is no longer staying over at my house because she doesn't like him.

The point I've learned is this: his crazy up and down behavior and loving you one minute and hating you the next is never going to change. It will only destroy me if i let it. I don't think I'm going to meet with him as he has requested. This is a painful way to live. I think I'd rather be alone. I can tell you that the last three months WERE manageable and I HAVE survived and it opened my eyes to the fact that my life should be about me not him and his up and down unreliable unpredictable behavior.

Give yourself a chance to breathe. You will like it. I promise ! I've been in your shoes.

[Newkate]

You know the panicky feeling I get just seems to take over and make me act in ways that dont do me any favours. If I could crack getting rid of that panic I would be happier. I don't panic in the face of rages/dysregulation (most of the time) now but when he goes awol afterwards I freak out. My brain is screaming "this is life and death Connect!

Connect, this is exactly.how.i.feel. When the rages happen I feel angry inside, but not at a loss of control. But after he rages, he pushes me away. Everything is "end-all," in that he is through, finished, done, and can ignore me for weeks without a problem. This is when I panic. This is when I find myself picking up the pieces of me. This is when I can barely get out of bed because the anxiety of the unknown really debilitates me. Will this really be the end?

That's the point I'm at now. We haven't seen each other in about a month and a half, but we have texted here and there. I don't know where we stand. I don't know where I stand with him. I'm doing my best to work on myself during this time, but it's hard not to ruminate over the good and bad. I guess in this process of finding myself, I will learn whether or not I can handle a lifetime of this. Cuz, God, when it's good, it's amazing. But when it's bad, it's painful.

[patientandclear]

My boyfriend of 7 years dumped me on 4/26 - similar explosion to what we all read about. I was posting on this site so upset and scared. I was shredded to pieces. Somehow I found the inner strength to stay away. I had never been able to do it before. Now? Three months later he has been calling people close to me since May. Texted me once in June (I didn't reply) and last week left a card for my birthday with a wad of cash and notes saying he loves me today, tomorrow and will love me a hundred lifetimes from now. He still hasn't called because he claims he's afraid I'll tell him to shove off and he can't handle it. He's supposedly calling me when he can confirm my Mom is no longer staying over at my house because she doesn't like him.

The point I've learned is this: his crazy up and down behavior and loving you one minute and hating you the next is never going to change. It will only destroy me if i let it. I don't think I'm going to meet with him as he has requested. This is a painful way to live. I think I'd rather be alone. I can tell you that the last three months WERE manageable and I HAVE survived and it opened my eyes to the fact that my life should be about me not him and his up and down unreliable unpredictable behavior.

Give yourself a chance to breathe. You will like it. I promise ! I've been in your shoes.

SR -- great to hear from you & my hat is off to you for finding your way through this with such balance.  I remember how incredibly painful this was when it happened and have wondered how you were faring.  Your words (and Connect's & Newkate's) are a good reminder that we have to somehow erect a sturdy mental and emotional barrier between the fluctuations in the feelings of our pwBPD, and our sense of ourselves.