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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Has anyone been in my situation?  (Read 704 times)
Jhensohn

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« on: July 24, 2013, 11:35:44 AM »

Hello

I was just wondering if anybody's been in my situation before. Maybe my situation is too extreme. I'm married but separated. I have two small kids. I never had a girlfriend before I got married. A year ago I fell hopelessly in love with a BPD. Many things happened. Now she left. She said she does not know if she even cares about me anymore. I'm not able to let go.

I described my situation in more detail in earlier posts. Has anybody been in a similar situation that would be willing to talk and discuss more in depth?
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Validation78
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Relationship status: divorced
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« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2013, 12:02:07 PM »

Hi John!

I am sorry to hear of your pain and confusion. There are many people here who have fallen into similar situations, and understand how difficult a relationship/breakup with a pwBPD is.

I have 3 suggestions for you. One is to learn more about BPD and what a complicated mental illness it is. It may help you with a lot of your questions, and to realize that your situation is not so unique. Second is to step back from the relationship, or desire for it, with the pwBPD. It sounds to me like you would like to see if your marriage can be salvaged. You will be unable to find out whether or not it is possible while you are still involved with someone else, or trying to work things out with someone else. If you truly want to save your marriage, you will have to distance yourself from this relationship, hard as it will be. Third, I also read in one of your previous posts, that you lost your religion in all of this. As a person of faith, I urge you to seek out your religion again. You will find that it will be a great help in your recovery, as it was essential for me during my recovery.


Please continue to participate here. There are lots of folks here with experience and wisdom to help you through this!

Best Wishes,

Val78
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Blaise
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« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2013, 12:11:31 PM »

I'm married but separated, with two young kids. I fell in love with my ex girlfriend, diagnozed with BPD, just after the birth of my second child. I truly thought she was THE ONE. But I could not leave my wife, for a reason that I still cannot really figure out. So, after just six months, my ex BPD girlfriend left me saying that I would never leave my home. I fetl completely desperate. And it kept like this even when I learnt, some weeks later, that the day we broke she was with someone else. A couple of months later, she told me she was missing me and this time I was able to leave my wife and move to a new place. We were then together for 1 1/2 year, with her spending 3-4 nights with me (when I did not have the children). It went rather well at the beginning but, rapidly, my ex BPD girlfriend started complaining about the fact that I did not divorce. She was right, I did not feel like I could divorce and still do not know why. I thing I wanted to be sure that she was the one and while this was sometimes the case (rarely), there were lots of occasions where I told myself I do not want to live with such a person. She would ask me to divorce not as if she cared for me and our relationship, but rather as if she was entitled to it and if the only thing she wanted was to be "my wife". She very often insulted my wife, whom I kept defending because I felt what she said was unjust (I think that my wife is the best mother I have ever seen and I have a lot of respect for her and how she went through all this). So in January of this year, my ex BPD girlfriend st me an ultimatum: either you commit to the relationship of it's over. I told her that there was nothing I could do at the time and she left. Like when she left two years ago, I could not let go and ran after her, promising that I would divorce. It just changed nothing, she went completely cold, unemotional and said she just did not love me (and other strange things like "I know you will cheat on me". I made two or three attempts to convince her to come back and each time I hit a wall. So I stopped and there has been strictly no coomunication for almost two months. I have reasons to think that she is now with the very same guy she was when we first broke up. I know that she has kept him lined up (they saw eachother very frequently during our 1 1/2 year together and started training together for a triathlon).

I would be very interested to learn more about your situation, as I think that our stories have similarities. Just like you, I cannot let go.
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marbleloser
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« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2013, 12:43:46 PM »

Hi John   

Been there and wrote the book on your situation.It's a difficult place to be in.For me,losing my integrity and feeling "duped" was a really bad feeling.Forgiving yourself is the hard part.

The best thing to do is go completely NC with her.You are emotionally vested in her,and you will continue to be for some time.Communicating with her will only prolong it.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel.More than likely,something was missing,and she filled that void for you.Be thankful you didn't marry her or have children together.

Take this time to learn all you can about BPD.It will help you.Continue to post here also.We've all been through similar situations,although the stories may differ slightly.
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Jhensohn

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« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2013, 02:57:10 PM »

Thank you all. One thing that makes this extra hard is she played the piano so beautifully by profession. My profession is violin and so we played quite a few concerts together and made big professional plans together. I really loved making music with her. Now obviously there are no more plans. Every time I hear Brahms or Beethoven or play them I miss her especially.

It was such a dream come true to find someone I could not only love and who I thought loved me back but that I could make such beautiful music with.
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cska
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« Reply #5 on: July 24, 2013, 03:04:53 PM »

I understand how you feel John. My ex was pursuing a career in medicine, and so was I. She was passionate and enthusiastic about it, just like me. We clicked. I though she was the one, I wanted to be with her all my life. We were talking about having a family together, we were planning to get married. She told me I was the Love of her life. And then she started treating me like I was nobody. She would put me down and degrade me. She would tell me "The only reason why I was ever with you was because I was depressed. You're not all that. I can do so much better than you. I don't know what I ever saw in you... . " Then she started to make demands. She wanted me to quit my career. She didn't want me to spend any time with my family. She didn't want me to leave the house without her. She wanted to cut me off from everybody, friends family. I had to get out. And so did you.

Ask yourself, do you want to be with such an abusive woman all your life?
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Jhensohn

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« Reply #6 on: July 24, 2013, 05:14:14 PM »

The thing is that my wife, who is in Europe with our two kids knows nothing of any of this. Every time we talk, which is every day, I feel that I always have to pretend. My therapist has urged me not to tell my wife. I guess it is a dark secret ill have to live with... .

This also scares me... . Even if I go back to my marriage, I'll have to live the rest of my life with the knowledge of what I did. My therapist has urged me to see myself as a kind of victim in all of this, but yet it is obvious I bear responsibility.

I was so convinced I would spend the rest of my life with the BPD person, otherwise I would have never let that happen. It is true... . She is the one who first hugged me, who wanted to kiss me etc... . But I could have said no. I felt somehow powerless.
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Jhensohn

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« Reply #7 on: July 24, 2013, 11:44:30 PM »

Dear Blaise (and everybody else who is so kind as to read this post)

Thank you so much for writing me. It means a lot to somehow know that there are other people in my situation. Like you I'm sure, I love my children very, very much.

Yes, letting go. In April she told me she had no feelings for me anymore and would not have any again in the future. It's been three months and I feel that I'm no closer to giving her up now than I was then. There was an incredible emotional intimacy I felt we had.

My therapist thinks that part of it is that 1, I never really was that in love with my wife (which is really true) 2, I have never had a girlfriend before and thus never experienced a breakup and that 3, my BPD let me take care of her... . she could not drive so I always drover her places, I helped cook, I gave her my old microwave, I arranged many professional engagements for us. She really respected me and in some ways maybe admired me. I felt very useful where as my wife would be one to just take care of everything and want to control everything and there was never any space for me to feel needed. And my BPD could be SOO sweet and considerate.

Besides this, I wrote much about my situation in earlier posts. I feel that I gave her everything. I felt such a connection and bond when when things were great it was a feeling I really had never felt before in my life. For me, it was my first true love (my therapist says so as well). It was the first time I had loved someone just because I chose to, not because that person fit a certain profile that others would approve of. And that person seemed to love me back. It was a totally overwhelming feeling that made me powerless and made me willing to sacrifice everything for. Of course, I had no idea about BPD... . I did not learn about that until I finally had the courage (in May) to tell my therapist about the whole situation.

Often I think that I actually can't let go. Who cares if I lose my job, my family... . I've lost so much already. If I can't have the one I've sacrificed everything for, then what's the point? But then I have moments of sanity when I see that there are parts of my current life I do enjoy and don't want to give up.
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Blaise
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« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2013, 12:49:56 AM »

1. I love my children and they have been a kind of safe harbor for me over the past three years.

2. My therapist told me to tell my wife. He told me that cheating can be forgiven, not lying. I did not follow his advice, my wife discovered it and the lie proved even more damaging.

3. The relationship with my ex BPD girlfriend made me realize that I was never really in love with my wife. I married her for other reasons, because she fitted the conventions, because I thought at the time that I would not find true love.

4. Like you, I felt admired by my ex BPD girlfriend. We had an incredible emotional bond. I felt needed, useful and appreciated.

5. This only lasted a couple of months, until we started living together. Then everything changed and eventually she left.

6. She left because she set me an ultimatum to give her signs of commitment - like divorcing - and I told her I was not ready to commit.

7. Maybe I have had the benefit which did not have of living with her. Believe me or not, while I still miss her and good memories from time to time, I do not miss our relationship. When I miss her, which still happens from time to time, I think about how difficult the relationship was and it helps greatly.

8. The feelings I have towards my ex BPD girlfriend are more love. They are need, like a drug addict. I also remember, when I feel bad, that I would feel desperate but that as soon as my ex would come back, the need would stop and the bad sides of the r/s would break in again.

9. The mistake I did at the time, was that I started comparing my ex and my wife and tried to chose between the two. That is simply impossible to do as you will realize that both your wife and your ex fill certain of your needs.

10. For me, what was difficult to accept was that I did really love neither my wife nor my ex, and that neither of them truly loved me.

11. The result of this is that I am alone today. I am alone but kind of rejuvenated because the separation with my wife obliged me to live on my own and face life, which I had never done before, always relying on her. And my r/s with my ex showed me to some extent what was missing to have a happy and lasting relationship.

12. It is extremely important that you keep a good r/s with your wife, whatever happens, because the children are in the middle of this. I was able to do that thanks to my wife, who never turned her back to me. I believe that we are now friends and I love this friendship.

13. My advice would be to concentrate on you and your r/s with your wife, whether you end up separate or not. It will be difficult as long as you have an emotional bond with your ex BPD girlfriend. She is not what you think she is. She is not the true love we all hope to find.

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Jhensohn

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« Reply #9 on: July 26, 2013, 12:42:37 AM »

Dear Blaise,

Thank you so much for sharing all of this with me. It really does help. I need to sleep more, but more later. Have you divorced with your wife already or are you still legally married?

Just out of curiosity, did your BPD ever show any empathy to how it must be for your wife with two small kids... . did she ever show empathy for you and how difficult and torn you must have felt?
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