Flashbacks and Nightmares

[letmeout]

How long does it take to stop having flashbacks and nightmares about your BPD ex- spouse? I am 2 years out of the relationship, but several times a week I get the feeling that someone is about to spring at me in a full rage. This happens even when I'm alone and feeling safe.

I also still get one or two nightmares every week about something bad he did or said. What the heck, I've had no contact with him for a year now! How long did it take everyone else to stop reacting this way?

[Surnia]

Letmeout

So sorry to hear that. 

Difficult to say how long it takes... . Nightmares and flashbacks are strong reactions however.

I checked your first posts: It was a very long marriage you left.

Did you ever speak with a professional about it? Sounds a bit like PTSD for me.

[ComoLu]

Let,

I too came out of a long marriage w/my uxBPDh.  I too am about 2 yrs. out.  I take mild anti-anxiety meds. from time to time, and I have mild PTSD.  I still do not normally sleep well and suffer flashbacks and horrible nightmares about him.  He and I are selling a house together and have had other legal issues, so total NC has been impossible.  Interestingly enough to me, the nightmares had been less frequent until about a month ago when I started dating a non.  Since then they have been pretty regular again.  I don't know why.  I just pray that some day I will sleep normally and peacefully again.  He was my life for 34 yrs.  I guess he just won't go away quickly, but I would rather live with the nightmares and scars than with him, so I count my blessings and try to sleep.

[Hellothere]

 "several times a week I get the feeling that someone is about to spring at me in a full rage. This happens even when I'm alone and feeling safe."

I'm so sorry to hear you get this, although secretly I'm glad that you have admitted this. Since our breakup I haven't heard or read anyone else describing this feeling.

I get it regularly, everyday in fact. Some days it's better some days it's worse but i find it normally springs up when I say no to a question or disagree with something and express it.

I have no doubt that this is directly linked to my BPDex.

[crystal]

If you are not in T, I suggest you try that.

I experienced flashbacks and nightmares quite frequently for a couple of years.  I found the best way to deal with the flashbacks (they were less flash backs and more "sudden overwhelming emotion"-fear, deep sadness was to "explore them mindfully"-- yeah, I know that sounds super squishy and weird so let me explain. For a long time I would have these big emotions seemingly out of nowhere (or triggered by something) and I would feel afraid so I would try to just block them out and move on. That helped in the short run, but didnt change things.

When I started breathing through these events, and exploring them, I got better... . it would go something like this:  "OK, Im upset. Why?  OH!  I had a flash he is going to show up at the grocery store where I am headed. or OH, that muzak I didnt even know I was hearing is one of "our songs" or OH, that guy reminded me of him... . or whatever.  Adn then I could do two things-tell myself I am not crazy for the flood of feelings and I would just breathe with the feeling rather than trying to block it ( Oh!, of course that song reminded him of you!) and I could come up with a solution (OH! really, he is NOT going to show up at the grocery store... . but if he does, I have options. What option do I want to take? Leave the store? ignore him? It si MY choice and whatever I choose is ok). 

Teh more I did this, the more mindful I was of the situation. And the more in control I felt and the less fearful I became and the less often they happened!

As for nightmares, as I moved on with a new life and made progress on the emotional flares, they got better, but I will say they went on weekly for a long time. And honestly? I still have a nightmare about him every few months-- I now realize they are usually when I am having a big life transition (a child graduation etc). And they are no where near as intense or long. I used to wake up with "nightmare hangovers"--meaning I couldnt shake the creepy feeling or the sadness or the fear even after I was up for a while. THAT has gone away. 

Sorry if this is too long winded, but I hope the specific examples help. 

It will get better... . and again T is necessary!

Crys

[ObiRedKenobi]

I don't have flashbacks or nightmares per se. I am very jumpy at loud noises or especially when I hear a door slam. I've gotten to where I don't like having my back open. whenever I go out or even somewhere I know is safe I don't like to be where I can't see anyone coming at me. Its like I'm worried she's going to come up behind me. It's silly and probably just in my head but I've noticed that as a change in my behavior.

[letmeout]

Thanks for everyone's input.

Crystal, I liked the way you describe them as emotional flares, because that is how they feel, like a flare that shoots up out of nowhere.

I still see my DV counselor occasionally, but I don't think she specializes in PTSD.  I'll certainly bring it up at the next appointment.

I just figured by now I would have stopped being haunted by my ex. Plus I hear that he is still on a smear campaign against me, even though he has a girlfriend.

Do they ever get over being 'abandoned'?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all and to ObiRedKenobi

I too watch my back always. In my job, I had to become extra vigilant too, however it wasn't always like that, I used to be watchful, careful, but not as paranoid. All that has happened since becoming involved with BP, and the resulting PTSD from his abuse etc.

Now, loud noises and people coming up behind me freak me out at times so I am not comfortable having my back unprotected, there is the need to look over my shoulder a lot, or behind me.

I guess it is all understandable, so I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore.

Thanks all

Roller

[crystal]

I just figured by now I would have stopped being haunted by my ex.

These things heal at their own rate... . but I did find it speeded up when is started doing what I described earlier.

Plus I hear that he is still on a smear campaign against me, even though he has a girlfriend.

Do they ever get over being 'abandoned'?

Who knows?  Probably not.  My goal was to get to Who knows? WHO CARES?  Get on with your own life and then what he is doing, or even what he is saying about you will cease to matter. And THAT is freedom.  As long as we let them take up space in our brain and our emotions,we are giving them power over us. 

Crystal

[letmeout]

I loved that last sentence!  Thank you