Does emptiness come with detachment?

[Cooper10]

The closer I come to detahing, the emptier I feel.   

The first serious period of NC for me with my ex lasted 6 mos, with occasional minor breaks.  The entire time, I dwelled, obsessed, and ruminated and didn't heal at all.  After that, there was a toxic two-month peroid of recycles that left me devastated but cognitively (though not yet emotionally) convinced the relationship was irreparable and had to stop.   The end was explosive and emotional.  We then had another five-month period of NC where I did begin to heal and move forward for the first time.  I still thought about the relationship daily, but started to let go.  After my ex broke NC to apologize, there was another intense, short-lived attempt to get back together.  I needed it though--after he hurt me again, I finally to believe I could not be in a relationship with my ex rather than just think it.

Now, I feel the most detached I have ever felt.  The relationship seems so distant, in fact, that sometimes I grasp at memories trying to keep them alive. I just feel somewhat empty and a little lost now.  I invested such a large percentage of my time, energy, thoughts, and emotions analyzing and obsessing over the relationship for so long, that now it's almost as if I don't know how to fill that space.   I've made a conscious effort to invest in people and activities that are healthy, beneficial, and enjoyable, but it's like without constantly trying to predict what's going to happen next or wait to hear from my ex, I feel aimless and hollow and honestly kind of depressed.  This sounds so odd because detachment is what I've been trying to achieve for so long... .

Has anyone else has experienced anything similar?

[cska]

Wow, I could have written that post word for word... . Yes, yes, yes, after I started to detach I felt so hollow that I though that my life pretty much has no point. And yes, I would try to rekindle the memories of my ex to try to fill that void.

In my experience, being around friends and family helped me fill that void. And that feeling of emptiness eventually loses its intensity, as I try to go on with my life. I'll be honest, I'm still not fully recovered, there are days when I feel so empty that I stay in my room all day and cry, but I'm muuuuch better than a few weeks ago. It does get better with time!

[Clearmind]

I invested such a large percentage of my time, energy, thoughts, and emotions analyzing and obsessing over the relationship for so long

Copper, it’s exactly these reasons above why I shut down emotionally to what I was actually feeling.

I was very fearful of vulnerable emotions, learnt not to trust them from a very young age, that I simply chose to not feel. My relationship with my ex was like most here – full of ups and downs and roller coaster rides that life for a little while after seemed like an anti-climax. I had to create a new level of normal and new level of excitement that wasn’t so intense as it was with my ex.

That roller coaster ride was addictive and for some of us it masked out own inner pain and hurt.

We need to re-find ourselves and go on a bit of self discovery after an encounter with a Borderline. My partner awoke a childlike gusto in me which I do thank him for – there are parts of it I am thankful for.

Who are you Cooper? Maybe start journaling about your goals, aspirations, values, morals etc.

[Cooper10]

Glad to have this somewhat normalized.

Cska, to your point about friends and family, I do the same.  I just went on a trip with some friends that aren't in my closest inner circle and don't know the story of my relationship.   One thing I'm trying to work on is keeping up healthy boundaries in the beginning of all relationships because I tend to be an open book and share too much of my heart.   Spending all this time with these people and trying to put that into practice was hard.   I coped by being uncharacteristically quiet and introverted and just spent time in silence thinking about the relationship instead of finding appropriate ways to build new friendships.  It was like I didn't know where the line for that was so I just didnt try.  Perhaps those extended interactions without my close friends and family are what's triggering this feeling.

Clearmind, thank you.   I have learned so much about myself in the aftermath that I don't regret the relationship at all--it definitely changed the trajectory of my life for the better.   I have been writing a TON, which is really helpful.   I did lose so much of my identity though.   I subverted my own identity to my ex's and was afraid to hold onto my own values, interests, and convictions for fear that to express them would spell doom for the relationship.  I want to shift my focus from what's wrong with my ex and how I can help to what kept me in that relationship for so long and how I can work myself.  I just feel like I've hit an unsettlingly quiet place on that journey.

[Blessed0329]

Cooper, that uncomfortable quiet in the aftermath of this type of relationship is definitely something I can relate to. During the relationship everything was heightened, the highs were so high, the lows were so low, and it was all unpredictable. Like gambling, all of it was very addictive for me. I never knew when there might be a payoff, but when there was one, oh, it was soo exhilarating! I wanted badly to get off this roller coaster ride and get some balance back. Once that happened, I felt empty and depressed.

My ex filled so many holes in my psyche. These were holes I'd had my entire life, but once he filled them it felt so good to feel whole finally. When he left, those holes were ripped open again and I was more acutely aware of them. I was desperate for him to come back and make me stop hurting. Again, this all seems to me to be an addiction. It has definitely taken time, my therapist and my pastor to help me heal. Those holes in my psyche really can't be filled by another person.

Give yourself time to heal. Let yourself mourn this loss. One of the most difficult things for me in mourning is knowing he is still out there. I know he is, because he keeps reminding me from time to time. I have figured out how to focus on more healthy activities and relationships, and I am trying not to freak out every time he makes a brief reappearance. I have accepted the fact he needs these contacts for his own reassurance, and not because he wants to resume the roller coaster ride. I am strong enough now to be happy with him out there somewhere, and no longer the center of my every waking moment. Best wishes to you.

[tomjon78]

Wow... . the posts here are exactly what i am going through... . This feeling of emptiness after "doing the right thing" is really like a blow in your face. I´ve gone through a difficult before and break ups... . But the break up with my ex uBPD is the most difficult thing i´ve gone through.

I think it´s the the "highs" and "lows" in the relationship which are the foundation for this feeling. If I think back, and I´m sure most here can relate, that is the thing you dread and miss. I miss the intensity of admiration, the sexlife, the spontanious fun side of her.

But I sure the price was all too much: the tearing down, lies, manipulation and all the things that made me feel bad are the reasons we leave. We don´t want it.

But the bad thing is that some of the hurt is what we are stuck with. We don´t get the "highs" anymore.