Breaking up with my boyfriend

[zubizou87]

Hi Guys,

Sorry I haven't been online very much I've been in Europe without internet but I've been thinking about you all and missing you.

It's strange because Its the first summer I've spent on my own with the knowledge that my mother has BPD and so I've had less contact and therefore less problems 

Anyway I've had an issue rolling around my head for the past few weeks and I think I need a second, fourth, fifth opinion.

So for the past two years I've been in a long-distance relationship with this guy who I was in love with, our plan was I would work abroad, he'd live with his dad working and we'd squirrel away money and save up for a place to live. The problem is that now I don't think I want that anymore, I thought I'd find living abroad really scary but I think I've kind of found what I'm made of here. I'm not afraid of other cultures I'm curious about them and it's helped shape what I want to do as a career. it's also been wonderful spending so much time away from my mother and her abusive tendencies it's really healed me and boosted my confidence.

So the issue is that I don't think I love my boyfriend ENOUGH to give my life up abroad I think I want to stay here, he's a small town guy who wants a house and a wife and babies but I don't think I'm the girl for that role anymore, I'm only in my mid twenties and I'm still finding out what I want out of life.

I'm thinking about breaking up with him and just spending a bit of time being single so I can focus on my plans for the future, apply to grad school, hang out with my friends and work.

The problem is my mum has never thought my boyfriend was good enough for me and agrees I should break up with him... . and that worries me. It's funny because borderlines are such manipulative people that even in the situation I'm in where I'm probably right to break up with someone with modest aspirations to realise my full potential I don't know if I'm acting on my behalf or hers. I've read so many post on here about BPD mothers getting in between husbands and wives, she will probably not like the next person I date either I'm guessing.

Also the people she does suggest I date are really not suitable in my opinion and usually have some kind of terrible mental defect... . sorry I'm rambling (focus!)

Anyway the problem is I'm in a relationship that just doesn't seem to be working and it would be a great weight off my shoulders to just break it off. I have invested a lot of time in a guy who wants me to pack my exciting life up in order to make him happy when I could find an international guy like myself and not hurt anyone by doing what feels natural to me. I'd love to know what you think, is it possible for someone who is borderline to agree with you from time to time, to act like a normal mother and give you some good, healthy advice... . or am I being majorly manipulated by her into being single, alone and emotionally vulnerable? 

[Sitara]

The problem is that now I don't think I want that anymore

So the issue is that I don't think I love my boyfriend ENOUGH to give my life up abroad

I'm in a relationship that just doesn't seem to be working

Are you sure you need advice?  Those are all statements YOU made.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi zubizou,

Breaking up is tough no matter what.   Whether or not your mother thinks your boyfriend is good enough for you doesn't matter; in the end, it's up to you to decide if this relationship is right for you.

Sitara has a good point: you've mentioned that you're not sure. What's making you unsure about this relationship?

I'd love to know what you think, is it possible for someone who is borderline to agree with you from time to time, to act like a normal mother and give you some good, healthy advice... . or am I being majorly manipulated by her into being single, alone and emotionally vulnerable? 

Good question. I do think that at some level our BPD mothers do want us to be happy, but not if it compromises their own happiness. It's possible that your mother doesn't want you to continue in this relationship for other reasons. I know many non-BPD parents that wouldn't be happy if their children were in long-distance relationships. It's hard to say what's really going on in your mother's mind.

The only advice I can really give you is to trust your gut instinct. I've been in relationships that *seemed* right, or looked great on paper, but just didn't make me happy. No relationship is perfect and they do take a lot of work, but your gut instinct is rarely wrong when it comes to whether someone's right for you or not.

[cleotokos]

Hi zubizou

One of the effects of growing up with a caretaker with BPD is that we have a lot of self-doubt. Emotions and opinions which are not convenient for the pwBPD are demanded to be repressed. Sometimes it's hard to know your own mind and separate what YOU want from what the pwBPD wants. I know several months ago, my uBPD mother had me nearly convinced I needed to leave my boyfriend due to a situation that was causing her inconvenience. When I shook my head and realized what was happening, I was so furious with her. I'm still not over it. I can't tell you whether you should stay with him or not, but you do bring up a lot of good points for not staying. All I can suggest is think about what YOU really want from your life. Maybe even make a pro/con list.   And don't be afraid to go with your gut - we've been so trained to go against our gut by our parents with BPD that it's scary and confusing making a decision like this.

[Clearmind]

I think its natural to doubt Mum's sincerity after all you have been conditioned not to trust it. In having a BPD Mother you have also likely been conditioned to not trust you or your judgment.

Rather than wondering if mum is sincere maybe work on these feelings of not trusting you.

What do you want for you?

[January86]

Hi zubizou87! 

I’m also daughter of a BPD Mum in my first summer after knowing about BPD… it’s been a year full of ups and downs! After years since my academic exchange abroad I’ve been living on my own again for a month and I already noticed a great change inside of me.

I’ve always loved travelling and seen myself like a “nomad”, but my parents view of life was: “you should be happy enough with an stable job, average salary…” They never trusted in my possibilities even tho I had great grades. “Travelling and experiences are only a holiday thing” –literal from my enabling Dad-.

Now I realize I should have taken other career options. Some things I can´t change now, but others I can, and I’m adjusting my life at the moment, I want to travel, meet new people, experience other ways of life, I’m full of curiosity, but I have doubts as you do!

It’s seems we still have excessive guilt, fear of new things... .

I also started a relationship when I was in the FOG, it was very family oriented –he wants to have kids, house, dogs… A part of me wants it too, but now that I have experienced this freedom it feels different. I have the good luck that my boyfriend has understood all the suffering I had inside and my wishes to travel and experience life. We are making my “life readjusting” compatible with our relationship, and it has improved our relationship as I am happier, we’re growing together.

But sometimes I feel it’s unfair for him as I am needing so much independence and focusing in myself in the way. I’m changing, and I want to change and evolute but I’m scared for the future in case we can’t make it compatible anymore even if we try   , example, choosing living abroad or not.

Your situation however is different; you are in the right place for making career decisions –very very important!-. You say you don’t want to give up your life abroad for a relationship that’s not longer fulfilling... . My opinion is that if you stayed in your hometown and tried to make the best of your relationship, you would be thinking all time about the live you are not living…You would feel like a robot living someone else’s life –this is what I felt and it felt horrible-.

I understand it’s a huge step as changing city, breaking up and processing “the BPD experience” it’s so much at the same time! There may be times you will feel disoriented but personally I feel it’s worth it. (My year abroad in University exchange was amazing, I can’t imagine my life without it)

Maybe talk with your boyfriend about the possibility of a long distance relationship or he moving and you will have the answer in his reaction, you will see if he wants to grow with you and adapt to the changes.

I personally think that your Mum’s opinion coincides with your feelings it’s just that…a coincidence. My Mum advices are selfish or what is worse, arbitrary, like she is just saying it to play the great Mum role, but not feeling it. In the past I took very bad personal choices due to her advices and now I tend to do the opposite but that’s not ok. Try to not speak with her about this topic anymore so you won’t be influenced.

Time to be strong and choose your life!   Yes, do what is natural to you! Surround yourself of good friends, meet new people, take time for yourself and when that international (or not international heh) guy appears you will know!

[ScarletOlive]

Hi zubizou,

The other posters in this thread have made some great points. Sitara is right, you give some good reasons for why you want to break up - liking living abroad, not wanting to settle down right now or have kids, wanting to focus on your future and grad school. From your post, you sound pretty sure of this decision. So, ask yourself... . am I wanting this for myself or for my mom?

I'd love to know what you think, is it possible for someone who is borderline to agree with you from time to time, to act like a normal mother and give you some good, healthy advice... . or am I being majorly manipulated by her into being single, alone and emotionally vulnerable? 

Being single does not make you partnerless, but it doesn't necessarily mean you're alone or vulnerable. Your writing points to an independent streak, wanting to find yourself without the attachment of a significant other. That sounds like the decision of a confident, mature person, not someone being manipulated.

Also, I know that for a while, its easier to rebel against everything our parents say and chalk it up to their disorder. But, they're not wrong all the time hehe. Perhaps your mom's opinion and your opinion are in agreement this time, and that's okay. You don't have to be her polar opposite. Like GeekyGirl said, your mom is capable of giving good and even loving advice from experience, with the catch that it probably benefits her in some way.

[zubizou87]

"Also, I know that for a while, its easier to rebel against everything our parents say and chalk it up to their disorder. But, they're not wrong all the time hehe"

So true! I was very rebellious for years and just did the exact opposite of whatever my mum told me to do... . which sometimes was distructive. Now I feel I'm better at decyphering what is actual mum advice and what is her mental illness.

Thanks for the advice guys and also I broke up with my boyfriend and he is being an insufferable whining baby... . I feel like I made the right decision.