Ex about to get married and still calls and texts

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just got a text from my uexBPDgf who I've gone 16 days NC with. She called first but I didn't pick up. All she texted was "I miss you so much it hurts." She's married now but I know the actual wedding is in a few weeks. I'm wondering if that is triggering her abandonment/engulfment fears. I plan on not replying but still wonder what is going through her head to text and call like that but still about to go through with wedding. I wonder if she wants to use me to get out of the wedding. She's called 4 times now since NC.

[me757]

Just got a text from my uexBPDgf who I've gone 16 days NC with. She called first but I didn't pick up. All she texted was "I miss you so much it hurts." She's married now but I know the actual wedding is in a few weeks. I'm wondering if that is triggering her abandonment/engulfment fears. I plan on not replying but still wonder what is going through her head to text and call like that but still about to go through with wedding. I wonder if she wants to use me to get out of the wedding. She's called 4 times now since NC.

[seeking balance]

Just got a text from my uexBPDgf who I've gone 16 days NC with. She called first but I didn't pick up. All she texted was "I miss you so much it hurts." She's married now but I know the actual wedding is in a few weeks. I'm wondering if that is triggering her abandonment/engulfment fears. I plan on not replying but still wonder what is going through her head to text and call like that but still about to go through with wedding. I wonder if she wants to use me to get out of the wedding. She's called 4 times now since NC.

She is triggered (real or imagined) and reaching out to all coping tools - you have been a coping tool in the past and are still on the list.

How do you feel?

[jollygreen]

Same thing happened to by brother. His ex with bipolar and BPD called and sent text to him around her wedding day and wanted him to meet up with her and pretty Much stop the wedding just like you man. He stayed no contact. Everything's good now, he's got an amazing wife of his own (not BPD woohoo). But I wonder if I'm next for the same thing with my BPD ex? Do they do stuff like this to see how far they can go for you to rescue them? Is it the Disney scenario young girls get burned into their minds? Oh well whatever. Hope she stops bugging you man, it would be funny if you told her husband the situation haha.

[causticdork]

I discovered way after the fact that during our honeymoon phase, when we were incredibly happy and were talking about marriage and a future together, my ex messaged her most recent ex from before me and told her that her life was in shambles and she had nothing to live for and she was just going to kill herself.  This message was sent right around my birthday (special events/holidays ALWAYS triggered her) and during a point where life was great for both of us.  I have no idea what prompted the text, and by the time I found out about it I didn't care anymore.  Maybe she started to feel that engulfment fear way earlier than she let her crazy start to really show... . ? 

[me757]

I have mixed feelings. NC is making me feel a lot more independent and less sucked in all the drama. I still don't sleep well and probably have some ptsd but I also sleep better not having the constant fear of her cheating looming when I'm not with her. I still don't want her to get married though. I think it's a huge mistake since she has never let go of me during her and that guy's 7 month relationship. If I knew she was normal or changed for good, I'd be jumping on that text probably. When it was good, it was amazing with her. There was never any in-between... . always amazing or worst experience ever. I want to like her and believe that she is healthy but I don't think I can ever do that again with all that she's done. Also, this behavior shows that she is not healthy. But I'm not going to lie, if her and that guy broke up or got a divorce, I'd feel good since that's the relationship that more less ended mine. I still hold a lot of anger towards her.

Do you think these calls and texts mean that she is trying to end her relationship with him? They have been together around the same time her and I were when I ended it for good because she got so bad. I know that her and I had blow up fights whenever things got to another level - like me trying to introduce her to my parents (never happened). I'm guessing with her marriage coming up in August she is starting to freak out and might try to find anyone to jump ship to.

Same thing happened to by brother. His ex with bipolar and BPD called and sent text to him around her wedding day and wanted him to meet up with her and pretty Much stop the wedding just like you man. He stayed no contact. Everything's good now, he's got an amazing wife of his own (not BPD woohoo). But I wonder if I'm next for the same thing with my BPD ex? Do they do stuff like this to see how far they can go for you to rescue them? Is it the Disney scenario young girls get burned into their minds? Oh well whatever. Hope she stops bugging you man, it would be funny if you told her husband the situation haha.

There's no way I'm inserting myself anymore into their relationship. I already messed around with her over a dozen times while they were together Jan-May (before she got married but still). Not proud of it but at the time I was like... . F that guy... . he helped end my relationship with her why should I respect his relationship. I stopped when I realized it was delaying my recovery and ability to move on. He found out but then actually proposed to her within a week or so. I don't feel bad for him. We both had the same situations but where I broke up with her... . he went the other direction and proposed to keep her.

[Octoberfest]

I have mixed feelings. NC is making me feel a lot more independent and less sucked in all the drama. I still don't sleep well and probably have some ptsd but I also sleep better not having the constant fear of her cheating looming when I'm not with her. I still don't want her to get married though. I think it's a huge mistake since she has never let go of me during her and that guy's 7 month relationship. If I knew she was normal or changed for good, I'd be jumping on that text probably. When it was good, it was amazing with her. There was never any in-between... . always amazing or worst experience ever. I want to like her and believe that she is healthy but I don't think I can ever do that again with all that she's done. Also, this behavior shows that she is not healthy. But I'm not going to lie, if her and that guy broke up or got a divorce, I'd feel good since that's the relationship that more less ended mine. I still hold a lot of anger towards her.

I could have written this paragraph man. It is FASCINATING. I mean it makes sense, there were observable patterns within many different people that led to the creation of a diagnosis for those behaviors.  What is interesting is that there are so many of us NON's who also react in almost scripted ways.  Interesting to me at least.

[seeking balance]

I have mixed feelings. NC is making me feel a lot more independent and less sucked in all the drama. I still don't sleep well and probably have some ptsd but I also sleep better not having the constant fear of her cheating looming when I'm not with her.

This sounds like progress - moving forward takes some time to process all the conflicting emotions.

I still don't want her to get married though.

It's hard to love someone and watch them move forward - makes it seem like we didn't matter.  But remember, you did matter and you will move past this.

I think it's a huge mistake since she has never let go of me during her and that guy's 7 month relationship.

probably - but, not your problem any longer.

If I knew she was normal or changed for good, I'd be jumping on that text probably. When it was good, it was amazing with her. There was never any in-between... . always amazing or worst experience ever. I want to like her and believe that she is healthy but I don't think I can ever do that again with all that she's done. Also, this behavior shows that she is not healthy.

If I knew I were winning the lottery for 100 million dollars tomorrow, I would go buy a new car and quit worrying about my career... . but, since I don't even play the lotto - not likely.

Extreme example, but similar - she is not going to be changed or healed without a lot of time and the right therapy - keep focused on this fact as hard as it is.

But I'm not going to lie, if her and that guy broke up or got a divorce, I'd feel good since that's the relationship that more less ended mine. I still hold a lot of anger towards her.

of course you are angry, you are hurt - anger is the mask for hurt... . it takes time to process this pain.

Do you think these calls and texts mean that she is trying to end her relationship with him? They have been together around the same time her and I were when I ended it for good because she got so bad. I know that her and I had blow up fights whenever things got to another level - like me trying to introduce her to my parents (never happened). I'm guessing with her marriage coming up in August she is starting to freak out and might try to find anyone to jump ship to.

Nah, I think she is having some sort of anxiety and you have been a band-aid in the past... . I don't know her, but most BPD behaviors are very "in the moment", meaning you are putting more thought into why she is texting than she likely is.  The text is not about you - you are an emotional band-aid right now, sorry if that stings a bit to hear.

Take care of you - let her go and move on with your life by healing that hurt so you can be fully present for someone else.

[me757]

I think that she probably doesn't miss me as much now that the guy is probably home and she isn't alone. I do think that me going NC and not being available is probably triggering her as well.

I've realized I'm sort of a band-aid. She will call when the guy is at work... . probably hating being alone since she is unemployed and has nowhere to go. I imagine she either calls when he is at work, like today, or maybe when they get in a fight. She called me this Saturday night at 11:30 pm... . not sure what was up with that. Knowing her, they'd have to be together or just have had a huge fight. When her and I got in fights she would call ex's to see what they were up to... . sometimes right in front of me.

I think with the wedding fast approaching and me still in NC, her number 1 band-aid most likely, she must be having intense abandonment/engulfment triggers.

[seeking balance]

I think that she probably doesn't miss me as much now that the guy is probably home and she isn't alone. I do think that me going NC and not being available is probably triggering her as well.

I've realized I'm sort of a band-aid. She will call when the guy is at work... . probably hating being alone since she is unemployed and has nowhere to go. I imagine she either calls when he is at work, like today, or maybe when they get in a fight. She called me this Saturday night at 11:30 pm... . not sure what was up with that. Knowing her, they'd have to be together or just have had a huge fight. When her and I got in fights she would call ex's to see what they were up to... . sometimes right in front of me.

I think with the wedding fast approaching and me still in NC, her number 1 band-aid most likely, she must be having intense abandonment/engulfment triggers.

You have pretty much summed her up... .

So, how can we help you focus on you and your emotions now?

How do you feel specifically (mixed is not really a feeling  )

[me757]

I like the attention and that she still wants me. I guess it's an ego boost. I also hate it when she texts because I've been moving on a lot more lately. What has been hard to let go is the anger. The only times I want to contact her now are not to get back together but to basically tell her how she is a screwed up person and say other things that I'd later regret. I did this while we were broken up and talking and it doesn't make it feel better. So where I'm at right now is trying to get rid of the anger or hurt. It's almost like I want her relationship to fail because it would feel like justice to me. I shouldn't long or even want this because seeking justice isn't letting go. Maybe it just takes time. I'm 8 months out of the relationship now... . although it was a half baked attempt to let go up until early June. Maybe now that NC is actually happening I'll detach a lot quicker. Her being married surprisingly has helped. It's ridiculous enough that she is going through with it with all the cheating and holding on to me but it does prove to me that she is messed up. I shouldn't ever want her back... . she's most likely BPD and 100% an alcoholic. The alcohol alone should be a deal breaker. What is weird to me is that this relationship was only 5 months long and then we broke up. I never would have thought I'd still be talking about it 8 months out.

[seeking balance]

I like the attention and that she still wants me. I guess it's an ego boost. I also hate it when she texts because I've been moving on a lot more lately. What has been hard to let go is the anger. The only times I want to contact her now are not to get back together but to basically tell her how she is a screwed up person and say other things that I'd later regret. I did this while we were broken up and talking and it doesn't make it feel better. So where I'm at right now is trying to get rid of the anger or hurt. It's almost like I want her relationship to fail because it would feel like justice to me. I shouldn't long or even want this because seeking justice isn't letting go. Maybe it just takes time. I'm 8 months out of the relationship now... . although it was a half baked attempt to let go up until early June. Maybe now that NC is actually happening I'll detach a lot quicker. Her being married surprisingly has helped. It's ridiculous enough that she is going through with it with all the cheating and holding on to me but it does prove to me that she is messed up. I shouldn't ever want her back... . she's most likely BPD and 100% an alcoholic. The alcohol alone should be a deal breaker. What is weird to me is that this relationship was only 5 months long and then we broke up. I never would have thought I'd still be talking about it 8 months out.

Well, your own words that you only really started trying to detach in early June - so you are only about 6 weeks out... . be patient with yourself. 

5 months in and 6 weeks of truly trying to let go - my guess is you will see marked improvement in the next few months now that you are accepting the process... . anger & hurt is part of the process.

Attention is nice and can be addictive when we are lonely... . learning to be ok alone is a skill that very few learn well.   Now is a great time to start a new hobby or learn something new... . it helps.

Hang in there!

SB

[me757]

Since they usually have so many people to go to as "band-aides", I wonder what happens when they don't have another person to go to. Maybe they freak out? Maybe that's why they get worse after marriage when they are supposed to be with only one person and then that one person can't be there all the time.