Little dabs of white?

[Mutt]

I'm still learning about the concept of splitting and white and black thinking. My SO abruptly left 5 months ago and basically went minimal contact, removed from FB etc... . We have children together so it's not complete no contact and the only time she would contact me is something for her and it's usually regarding money. She had a boyfriend near the end of our marriage that she kept from me, moved out and as far as she's concerned, I've fallen off of a cliff. The very few exchanges on her part are like I said money or negativity, blame, and basically none of it is positive.  She's too busy idealizing the new guy, but I have noticed in the last month that 3 times, she's been texting, e-mailing with simply wishing me and the kids a good weekend, asking me I want items from her house to mine. Nothing big, insignificant really, but 5 months of minimal contact and negativity, this just seems more thoughful.

I made it clear to her that I don't want to communicate outside of pick up / drop off times with the kids / emergency for the kids and that's it. I'm trying as much as possible to put distance with minimal contact with her, as to not open a door per se. Am I looking into this too much? Is it tiny dabs of white although she has completely painted me black?

[seeking balance]

I'm still learning about the concept of splitting and white and black thinking. My SO abruptly left 5 months ago and basically went minimal contact, removed from FB etc... . We have children together so it's not complete no contact and the only time she would contact me is something for her and it's usually regarding money. She had a boyfriend near the end of our marriage that she kept from me, moved out and as far as she's concerned, I've fallen off of a cliff. The very few exchanges on her part are like I said money or negativity, blame, and basically none of it is positive.  She's too busy idealizing the new guy, but I have noticed in the last month that 3 times, she's been texting, e-mailing with simply wishing me and the kids a good weekend, asking me I want items from her house to mine. Nothing big, insignificant really, but 5 months of minimal contact and negativity, this just seems more thoughful.

I made it clear to her that I don't want to communicate outside of pick up / drop off times with the kids / emergency for the kids and that's it. I'm trying as much as possible to put distance with minimal contact with her, as to not open a door per se. Am I looking into this too much? Is it tiny dabs of white although she has completely painted me black?

I am sorry you are having to go through all this... . it is harder to detach I think when there a kids and there has to be somewhat nice exchanges for co-parenting.

You are processing, trying to learn - sometimes it helps us detach to learn the clinical stuff - it did for me.

Black/white thinking is the extremes... . for you it feels black and white, for her it is simply her way of going through life.  You were right on target as she was idealizing the new one, she really had no need for you (sorry, I know that stings), but as their relationship becomes intimate, it will trigger her - fact of the disorder.  So, you have been a source of soothing in the past and therefore, being nice to you kinda gives her that soothing tool (you) as a back up when needed... .

Try to enjoy the "niceness" without reading too much into it.  With BPD - this too shall pass... .

Peace,

SB

[Mutt]

I'm still learning about the concept of splitting and white and black thinking. My SO abruptly left 5 months ago and basically went minimal contact, removed from FB etc... . We have children together so it's not complete no contact and the only time she would contact me is something for her and it's usually regarding money. She had a boyfriend near the end of our marriage that she kept from me, moved out and as far as she's concerned, I've fallen off of a cliff. The very few exchanges on her part are like I said money or negativity, blame, and basically none of it is positive.  She's too busy idealizing the new guy, but I have noticed in the last month that 3 times, she's been texting, e-mailing with simply wishing me and the kids a good weekend, asking me I want items from her house to mine. Nothing big, insignificant really, but 5 months of minimal contact and negativity, this just seems more thoughful.

I made it clear to her that I don't want to communicate outside of pick up / drop off times with the kids / emergency for the kids and that's it. I'm trying as much as possible to put distance with minimal contact with her, as to not open a door per se. Am I looking into this too much? Is it tiny dabs of white although she has completely painted me black?

I am sorry you are having to go through all this... . it is harder to detach I think when there a kids and there has to be somewhat nice exchanges for co-parenting.

You are processing, trying to learn - sometimes it helps us detach to learn the clinical stuff - it did for me.

Black/white thinking is the extremes... . for you it feels black and white, for her it is simply her way of going through life.  You were right on target as she was idealizing the new one, she really had no need for you (sorry, I know that stings), but as their relationship becomes intimate, it will trigger her - fact of the disorder.  So, you have been a source of soothing in the past and therefore, being nice to you kinda gives her that soothing tool (you) as a back up when needed... .

Try to enjoy the "niceness" without reading too much into it.  With BPD - this too shall pass... .

Peace,

SB

I've made it very clear to her that I'm not doing co-parenting with her but parallel parenting. On that front, I raise the kids my way without input and vice versa. If I'm understanding this right, and I've read this before, is that he triggers her (shame, anger, guilt etc... . ) and she's looking for a source (me) to soothe her?  It sounds about right with the honeymoon period with her, it last for about 4-5 months. I thought that if she was triggered and I'm pretty much out of the picture completely that she would project or get emotionally dysregulated with him, by throwing things or anger etc... . at the person that she's intimate with.  Do they have different coping mechanisms? BPD anger towards SO and looking elsewhere for someone to soothe them?

I stung and still stings, but as the weeks go by it gets better. When I ruminate I come to this board often and read a thread to remember why she's not good for me and to remember all things about her that are BPD and those feeliings drop off quite quickly. As far as I'm concerned with myself and well being, shields up, and have him be the target for emotional dysregulation / anger / manipulation etc... . I've put my time in and I'm trying to heal / detach. It makes sense, confusing perhaps because of BPD and it's complexities in it's nature.

[Matt]

It's a matter of taking a step back, away from the relationship, and then another and another, til it no longer means anything to you.

You don't want to go to anger.  You want to go to apathy.  Then you can deal with her only on stuff related to the kids, and just ignore anything else.

[Jep]

Ohh, I can so relate to this. I am only one month out of a 9year r/s with uBPD girlfriend. We have a six year old son who she left with me when she went with the "new guy".  She said she would take him on the weekends but has not been following through. Taking him only for a night here and there. From the start she would text and call wondering how I was doing. No doubt hoping I was in a sea of sorrow. I was. I told her to keep conversations pertaining to our son. She did for three weeks.

Last Saturday I dropped off our son at her apartment so he could spend the night. When I was leaving she started blowing kisses at me. I childishly flipped her off. I am ANGRY.

Sunday morning she texted me and asked if she could do a couple loads of laundry at my house when she dropped off our boy. Like an idiot I said yes. We spent four hours together. She hugged me and cried for a long time asking me how we got here. I said because of your decisions, that's how we got here. She said "new guy" is aggravating her telling her he loves her all the time, and she is not ready for love.  She said people like him come and go but I am so much more important. Then she packed up her laundry and left. Ten steps back for me. I still miss her so.

Low contact is so hard. I wish I could go nc, I would be so better off. How do you maintain boundaries with a professional boundary breaker?  How do you remain civil with so much betrayal and hurt in the past?  Of course I want what is best for our son. He is an awesome kid and so innocent  

I can't stand that she is with someone else and still uses me to soothe her selfish self centered needs. I need to let go and move on for me, but keep contact for our son and it is so hard.

Jp

[Mutt]

She had completely cut me off at the beginning. Removed me and my entire family off of Facebook and blocked me. Didn't call, e-mail or text but would only text me if she needed something for herself and I fell for it.

I had talked to her about 3 weeks after she left at her house and was saying weird things. I found out about BPD a couple of weeks afterwards.

- I don't have sexual tension for you, I see you as a brother (well you married me and had 3 babies with me)

- You know OM is just a friend, nothing serious. I'm not going to move in with anyone for a long time (she hasn't moved in with him yet, but she was having an EA and PA with him during the last few months before she left)

- The entire marriage and relationship was abusive (8 years together and married 2 1/2 years into it, then why were you pressuring me for getting married when it was so abusive? why did you keep having kids with me?) We never should of met, it was a mistake

-  Supper with the kids that night and I shouldn't of been there, it felt awkward and she tells the kids "you know mommy and daddy are "ex-wife and ex-husband" We're not even divorced yet! It's been almost a month since we have been seperated, but that was to justify introducing OM to the kids 2/2 weeks after she left and sleep overs with him at her house when the kids were there.

I agree they are quick to break boundaries and don't have a care in the world for them. The laundry list of blaming me for everything and nutty things go on and on. But after that day, I was angry, the nonchalant attitude with her affair and lack of sympathy. She didn't feel sorry for any of it. I decided to go minimal contact after reading about it on the internet and reading about parallel parenting. I just couldn't see myself then and now with co-parenting with this type of horse___. I'm deeply wounded. I was so depressed. I angrily attacked her about the affair by e-mail and she painted me black again because I refused to go along with her charade. Have me play along with this sick logic. So no contact from her, only when it was something that she needed, always negative and denigrating me in her e-mails, the same devaluation song and dance when I was living with her for the last few years but her tone changed a little in the last month. Something that she had not done for a few months. That made me wonder why the subtle change. It got my attention because I really read over what she is writing in her e-mails and text and I'm attentive as to how I reply, not to trigger he anymore.

Gradually I found minimal contact was helping and still helps me with alleviating stress and it takes me out of the drama/pain but again I agree. There were moments were I got sucked into her and got into arguments. It's better now because I just don't waste my time, because I'll lose at all  arguments ( never got my point of view validating or won an argument from her almost through the entire marriage, only during the honeymoon phase)  and everything is blamed on me. I figured start at parallel parenting, if the apathy is there later on, then go to co-parenting, but I can't see how I want to be close to the event horizon, I'd rather stay as far away as possible and be there emotionally for my kids and give them stability were it's emotional rollercoaster at their house.