4 months NC, whats going on?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello again, well, here I am a little over 4 months of NC from my uBPDexgf/w of almost ten yrs... . Only 2 brief emails since then.  I haven't heard from her or anything about her since.  I was doing really well and moving on with my life but then every now and then I get stuck on thinking about her. I am in therapy and I thought I was doing very well, even my counselor told me it seemed as I was doing a lot better.  I just haven't been able to get her off my mind.  In the past we always ended up back together, anywhere from a couple days, to weeks, to even a couple months. 2 months being the longest.  Im sure she has moved on and probably has someone new already, but part of me still believes she will come back.  I know I don't want her to, but that has been our pattern these past ten years.  One of my counselors told me I had to break the cycle or I could be doing this dance well into my50s and 60s.  im 44... .    After leaving her again this last time, I  changed up the routine,  instead of moving back in with my folks, like I always  did, I got my own apt in another town. away from her.   That is something I never done before.  she always knew where to find me and she would always drive by checking on me.  For some reason I tried to call her a few weeks ago only to find out that her number was no longer good.  She must have switched services or just changed her number so  I wouldn't be able to contact her.  She did tell me a week after I moved out that we should lose each others numbers,  but shes said worse in the past.  So I didn't think she meant it.  Guess she did.  OR is this in retaliation to me moving and breaking the cycle?   I know yall think I want her back but I really don't.  I miss her everyday but she made my life hell most of the time.  But she also made me the happiest man at times. 

I guess my question is,  is this normal?  am I healing properly?  am I subconsciously hoping she will come back and recycle me?  I was really doing good, even dating other women.  BUt then one day, I just started thinking about her and dreaming about her.  Will this ever end?  I hope yall can give me some advice or share with my some similar experiences on the healing process. I really don't see her coming back this time, especially after 4 months.  I know the longer she takes to try to recycle is giving me more time to get stronger.  I feel like im losing my mind some days.  Even my ex wife that I left , for my uBPDexgf/w almost ten yrs ago, wants to give me another chance.  I think I still love my uBPDexgf and I don't want to hurt the ex all over again.   THanks for listening and any advice will be appreciated.

[Confused69]

Hello again, well, here I am a little over 4 months of NC from my uBPDexgf/w of almost ten yrs... . Only 2 brief emails since then.  I haven't heard from her or anything about her since.  I was doing really well and moving on with my life but then every now and then I get stuck on thinking about her. I am in therapy and I thought I was doing very well, even my counselor told me it seemed as I was doing a lot better.  I just haven't been able to get her off my mind.  In the past we always ended up back together, anywhere from a couple days, to weeks, to even a couple months. 2 months being the longest.  Im sure she has moved on and probably has someone new already, but part of me still believes she will come back.  I know I don't want her to, but that has been our pattern these past ten years.  One of my counselors told me I had to break the cycle or I could be doing this dance well into my50s and 60s.  im 44... .    After leaving her again this last time, I  changed up the routine,  instead of moving back in with my folks, like I always  did, I got my own apt in another town. away from her.   That is something I never done before.  she always knew where to find me and she would always drive by checking on me.  For some reason I tried to call her a few weeks ago only to find out that her number was no longer good.  She must have switched services or just changed her number so  I wouldn't be able to contact her.  She did tell me a week after I moved out that we should lose each others numbers,  but shes said worse in the past.  So I didn't think she meant it.  Guess she did.  OR is this in retaliation to me moving and breaking the cycle?   I know yall think I want her back but I really don't.  I miss her everyday but she made my life hell most of the time.  But she also made me the happiest man at times. 

I guess my question is,  is this normal?  am I healing properly?  am I subconsciously hoping she will come back and recycle me?  I was really doing good, even dating other women.  BUt then one day, I just started thinking about her and dreaming about her.  Will this ever end?  I hope yall can give me some advice or share with my some similar experiences on the healing process. I really don't see her coming back this time, especially after 4 months.  I know the longer she takes to try to recycle is giving me more time to get stronger.  I feel like im losing my mind some days.  Even my ex wife that I left , for my uBPDexgf/w almost ten yrs ago, wants to give me another chance.  I think I still love my uBPDexgf and I don't want to hurt the ex all over again.   THanks for listening and any advice will be appreciated.

[Lao Tzu]

Dear Confused69,

     Maybe it's different for you, but for me I would call what you're feeling very normal.  I very deeply don't want my ex back, but if I had a button that would absolutely guarantee she could never be available under any circumstances I don't think I could push it -- and it's been decades since we were together.  Somebody here said the other day that detachment isn't a decision, it's a process and human processes are rarely clear cut.  For me, I acknowledge that 98% of me feels revulsion at the idea of being in the same room with her, but that other 2% truly doesn't agree! The challlenge is that these different parts of the brain don't communicate well within us, I think. 

     In the end, for me at least, the truth is that I will drive myself crazy(er) trying to understand what is going on in a mind that is even more disordered than mine.  The point isn't why she's done something or trying to predict what she's going to do.  The point is that you need to be very clear about whether you really care what she does.  The better condition (and 2% of me hasn't gotten there yet) is where you say "Her N/C with me might mean nothing. These pwBPD usually recycle and she'll eventually do that as she has done before. Ah, who gives a cr@p! I'm OK." or "Her N/C with me might mean I'll never, ever see her again. I'm OK with that." Perhaps the ideal state (and more than 2% of me isn't there yet) is where it pops into your head that you might never see her again and your next thought is "Man, it is so much better having relationships with women in the real world instead of the imaginary one I created. Hmm, I wonder if there's any football on TV.  Hey, look... . something shiny... . " 

LT     

     

[tailspin]

Confused 

It takes awhile before we stop getting used to the push/pull dynamics; what you're experiencing is normal and productive.  The anxiety you feel is your system snapping back to normal.  The trick is to not act on these impulses but instead to let them run their course.  Trust that you will be ok.

When you find yourself thinking about her, ask yourself why?  Continue asking yourself "why" until you get to the root and the heart of the matter.  It's quite possible you have some lingering doubts or concerns that still need to be addressed.  One thing is for sure; the reasons for your behavior have nothing to do with her and everything to do with you.

Don't be afraid to go there.

tailspin

[Sparky2Blame?]

I would agree that it's normal to be moving forward and then hit a period where the loss and pain come back strong for a period of time.  Perhaps something happened that triggered those feeling for you? Might be worth a little time to search deeply as to where its coming from.

As far as if you are subconsciously hoping that she comes back... . that is an answer that you will have to find within yourself.  We each heal differently and at different paces.  I think sometimes, after a period of time, we start to forget all the issues and lose track of what really happened and start to fantasize that maybe it wasn't "that bad" and could work. I occasionally feel that way, then have to remind myself of how bad it actually was.  And also myself that there isn't a simple cure that time apart is truly going to fix.   <- Which I should have learned from our previous breaks, but didn't.

It's been 4 months.  Which is a longer then your past experiences.  For me, our recycles varied.  Breaks would be typically be in the 2-4 month range.  The last time, it was over a year before she popped back into my life.  Mostly NC during that time with the exception of a few shallow check-ins and some talk about exchange of personal possessions.  So I wouldn't totally rule out a reappearance.  It maybe beneficial to know what you would say, and how you would approach the situation if it was to happen.

Do you still have feelings for your ex wife?  How many issues were in that relationship?  Something must have been missing if you moved on previously.  Whatever that was, could it be different this time?  Or would she be just be a band-aid?  I agree that you might end up hurting her if your not truly ready, and didn't have the right feelings and/or mind set.

[mcc503764]

This is perfectly NORMAL... . trust me, I have been there.  I have recycled multiple times with mine, always ending with the same result!  It's a crazy making cycle that will never end unless YOU are the one who puts your foot down!

Think about it... . they are SELFISH, that tends to be the reoccurring theme of this... . How does one even approach these people when it is always about ME, ME, ME?

I don't think they have the capacity to even consider how their actions affect another person.  They will say what they need to say at the moment to get what THEY want!  This is my experience anyhow... .

It is normal it have this fantasy thinking.  I still have it at times, but then I have to force myself to look at the reality of the situation!  That helps me to quickly change my thoughts and keeps me from sinking into a depression.  It takes a conscious process to do this, but like anything else, if you do it for long enough, it slowly becomes an unconscious process!

My x operates on a time pattern as well, usually every 4 months or so, but for me, it has become so old and boring, that I couldn't even tell you what looks like an "attempt" any longer?  I've seen enough to know.  She tries to appear that she has made great personal strides, but in reality it's just BS... . and it's always when she is off another rebound that she will try and reconnect with me.  That's not respect or love as I need it, it's insulting and belittling to ME that she would even think that she can treat ME like that!

So I guess what I am trying to say it that she is NOT the gatekeeper to MY happiness?  I still explore the fantasy of her, but it's nothing more than the person that I used to know!  Which was apparently a lie... . just try and be cognizant as to the real reasons WHY you think about her?  For me, it's just a matter of the companionship and what it could've been.  Other than that, she has nothing to offer ME!  That mindset is what helps me!

MCC

[Lao Tzu]

     OK, I think this sounds a little strange (but what doesn't with this insanity), but the recycling is 100% on us, not them.  Sure, they call and text you; they may beg you, lie, cheat, steal and, generally, act like Satan himself to get what they imagine they want right then, but all you have to do is not care and the deal is done. Right?   If you accidentally started getting texts from someone you didn't know that begged you to love them, would that bother you?  Of course not; you would laugh a little and then feel kind of sorry for them that they were in a such a bad place.  The difference is only you .  We own recycling and just blame them.  Hey, a million years ago my colleagues used to have some basic rules they liked to follow in complex situations.  One was: "The patient is the one with the disease".  In this case, let's remember that the pwBPD is the one who can't control what she/he is doing, not you.  Control ourselves and we completely control recycling.  We own it, not them, as they can't do what we can--ignore the whole thing.

LT

[mcc503764]

     OK, I think this sounds a little strange (but what doesn't with this insanity), but the recycling is 100% on us, not them.  Sure, they call and text you; they may beg you, lie, cheat, steal and, generally, act like Satan himself to get what they imagine they want right then, but all you have to do is not care and the deal is done. Right?   If you accidentally started getting texts from someone you didn't know that begged you to love them, would that bother you?  Of course not; you would laugh a little and then feel kind of sorry for them that they were in a such a bad place.  The difference is only you .  We own recycling and just blame them.  Hey, a million years ago my colleagues used to have some basic rules they liked to follow in complex situations.  One was: "The patient is the one with the disease".  In this case, let's remember that the pwBPD is the one who can't control what she/he is doing, not you.  Control ourselves and we completely control recycling.  We own it, not them, as they can't do what we can--ignore the whole thing.

LT

Excellent point!  It's very hard not to fall into the "victim" mentality of our recycles, but we admittedly get caught up in the whole, "it will be different this time" mentality.

This goes into our whole dreamer / fantasy thinking.  The fact that we are still susceptible to their contact attempts only tells us that we still have work to do on OUR whole acceptance of the reality of the situation!

Good post... . I am actually going to block my x from my phone right now... .

Thanks!

MCC

[Confused69]

Thanks for everyone's input.  It helps to hear from others who have gone thru the same insanity that I have. 

Yes Lao tzu, I'm ok never seeing her again but I just know that's not gonna happen. Everytime I thought it was over in the past it never was.  And yes I know it's up to me to end the recycling but I just can't pretend that I will never see her again someday, somewhere.  I'm afraid that either way it will hurt. If she's w someone new or isn't and wants to try again.  It's both scary to me bec they will both bring me some kind of hurt.

Tailspin , I do let those feelings run their course and sometimes they get away from me. I mean even a trip to wal mart is a memory for me. All the little things we did as a couple haunt me everyday.  So I do my best to remember the bad and why I left. The nc has done me good. It's given me time to really sit back and examine the whole ten yrs. I couldn't do that when I was with her bec there was always constant drama.!

Sparkytoblame, yes it would be a band aid for me to go back to my ex wife. I still love my uBPDexgf, and that's it. I have dated a few other women and had 3 fall in love with me , but it just wasn't there for me.  I am taking my time healing and dealing with these feelings I still have.  It's funny I'm the one that left and went NC but it now feels like its the other way around.  She has not made any contact like she has in the past. None of her old methods , not one.  That's why I feel she really has moved on and found her next victim. I just hope she doesn't come around when I'm not prepared. I would prob fall and be right back in the cycle.

I know it's up to us to end the cycle and I feeling I'm doing ok with it. But do THEY ever call it quits on their own?  I know she loved me and didn't want me to leave. I felt bad but I had to for my own sanity. Thanks everyone. 

[tailspin]

I know it's up to us to end the cycle and I feeling I'm doing ok with it. But do THEY ever call it quits on their own? 

Yes, sometimes they do call it quits on their own.  But the problem is BPD is characterized by intense and unstable relationships.  Because of this, and as you well know, relationships don't really last for long.  When the next one ends (and it will) your ex will probably remember the idealization phase she experienced with you and this may result in her reaching out to you again.  This is why awareness and healing are so important; we must learn to respect ourselves enough to keep our ex's in the past where they belong.

I understand about how places, songs, food, drinks, etc... . become triggers.  Initially I avoided these things when/if possible and now the triggers are gone.  If a place is unavoidable, then you need to replace the old memory with a new one. Oversimplified, I know, but eventually all your triggers will disappear. The key is to learn how to deal with them when they appear and not let your response undo any healing that's occurred... . such as calling her.  I noticed that the anxiety associated with triggers usually only lasts a short time; if you can find a distraction and ride it out, you will be ok.

tailspin