Is the trauma from BPD stopping me from putting cat to sleep?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I dont understand why i can't go thru with this. My cat has cancer and has been sick for a few months, just crying and not having a good appetite and I know she's not happy.

I take her down to the VETs and they talk me out of it. She looks good when she's there and all perky but at home she just mopes around looking all kinds of miserable.

The thing is she's still eating and going to the litter box and that is what they are basing it on.

I tried to take her in again WEd and they said 'she looks so good. are you sure?'

And now i'm wondering if i just can't do this cuz of my own unresolved issues... . or maybe i don't want to deal with a sick cat cuz of all the pain i've endured.   she's 18 and small and very cute but i know shes got dementia as well so it makes it that much harder.

How do you know if it's time?  What is wrong with me?@@!

[empower-me]

I dont understand why i can't go thru with this. My cat has cancer and has been sick for a few months, just crying and not having a good appetite and I know she's not happy.

I take her down to the VETs and they talk me out of it. She looks good when she's there and all perky but at home she just mopes around looking all kinds of miserable.

The thing is she's still eating and going to the litter box and that is what they are basing it on.

I tried to take her in again WEd and they said 'she looks so good. are you sure?'

And now i'm wondering if i just can't do this cuz of my own unresolved issues... . or maybe i don't want to deal with a sick cat cuz of all the pain i've endured.   she's 18 and small and very cute but i know shes got dementia as well so it makes it that much harder.

How do you know if it's time?  What is wrong with me?@@!

[empower-me]

You no,

I took her in to put her to sleep and ended up making an appt for today at 2:30 to give her subcutaneous fluids for dehydration.

She's also got beginning stages of kidney failure and is at the water bowl alot.

You'd think this is a no brainer right?   I have lost several family members to cancer and with the BPD r/s lasting so long and causing so much self doubt in me and just so many mixed emotions, I feel like I can't even make a decision like this when I know she'd do it for me if she could.

All the loved ones that I seen suffer and I wanted to give them a shot to put them out of their misery, now I can and can't do it. yet that is... .

I guess I'm thinking if I still have so much apprehension then maybe it's not time.

Please... .   feedback~   anyone?  help?  e-m  please empower me... .

[hoping4hope]

I just replied and it disappeared empower me hold on while I try again

[empower-me]

ok

[hoping4hope]

There is no right time.

One day either way won't matter in the long scheme of things.

Wait until you are sure that it is right for you and your cat.

Do something special with your cat on that day, make it memorable.

You are doing a kind service to your cat, relax, there is no bad decision in this case.

Stick to your decision the next time you got to the vet.

Put my dog to sleep recently and it was extremely painful, but it was the right thing to di.

[hoping4hope]

Yes, the pain from the BPD relationship will make this more difficult.

Both are very stressful things absolutely.

Make your best mature decision about this.

You love your cat... . you will make the best decision you can

don't let the pwBPD undercut your believe in yourself.

[empower-me]

Thank you so much... .

I really appreciate it.  I know you are so right.  She's sleeping soundly now but that changes like the wind.

I have already told myself that the next time I get that close to doing this I will not let anyone or anything change my mind.

I mean, I even took video's of her Wed and tons of pics knowing that was the last time.

I felt like a freaking crazy person driving back with her once again!

So, that is that.  I have never dealt with a cat having cancer and looking good one moment and horrible the next so this is all new to me in that respect.

I need to keep reminding myself it's like when people have it. One day they may be talking and moving around a bit more but the next day they are whining in pain and not happy at all.

Or they have an appetite one day or the next day nothing or it takes a lot to get them to eat.

Maybe I'm just not able to help her in this respect with the patience I should have because of being such a caregiver for so many years with my exBPDh and the others in my life that have been sick and died?

I should call my Psychiatrist right about now.  issues galore.

[hoping4hope]

For me and others feel differently an animal in pain is really hard.

Animals don't have the ability to think, well I'll just get through this pain and feel better latter.  They just know the pain and I don't think they have the ability to decide to endure it.  So, I tend to err on the side of keeping them out of long term pain that will not lead to improvement.

But again that is my take on it and there are many other valid takes.

I'd try to put aside ummm guilt I guess... . about not being patient with this cat's illness.

I just don't think there is a bad decision at this point.

[empower-me]

I do see a connection with me being able to believe in myself and what I'm able to do now and how much the r/s has impacted my psyche.

I wish it wasn't that way but it is.  I was always a very positive person and had pretty good self esteem and even being away from him for over 6 months I still am really struggling to just put one foot in front of the other most days.  It's crazy.

When I was with him I was forced to do everything and had the motivation to do it, now that I can collapse and slow down boy am I taking that to heart.

I really have to do better self talk at this point.  It feels like i'm allowing others to make decisions for me when they are waaay to important for that to happen.

Not many besides this one but this is bad enough.

I need to find my voice again and not be so wishy washy about this when I know how much she's changed. They don't know her.

I think all animals perk up in the Vets, endorphines kick in from excitement or fear and of course they are going to look better there.

They should not impose their views on those of us that have prayed over night to make this move and then end up not going thru with it!

Thanks again... . I need to call them.  I don't want to put her thru subcu fluids and i'm just too drained to go in there at this point.

So now I have to go and buy more food for her though and that's costing me about 20.00 a week in a variety of everything just so she'll be able to eat enough.  It is very difficult however I decide.

Let's see how she does over the weekend... . e-m

[empower-me]

Thank you hoping4hope regarding me feeling like I am not being patient enough.

I know that no matter what, seeing an animal that you love that has been with you for almost 2 decades look miserable will make you feel like you want to cut the cycle short regardless of what i've already endured or not.

I just wanted to bounce this off of others that have maybe gone thru this and find the courage I need to stay strong.

I know at times when my courage is waning I have had to borrow it from others until I find it again.  I guess that is what I'm doing now. :'(

[hoping4hope]

Everything you just wrote sounds great!

Sorry for all the typos.  I really do know how to spell.