What if?

[shaggysoul]

I just watched a video on BPD that said that it's the non's fault also that the relationship ended. That if we could have validated and been less judgmental then we would not have trigged the BPD so much. This makes me sad and shames me. I felt like I tried so hard. I just didn't know. I miss him so much and he never wants to see me. I am midnight black in his mind. Trash. I really don't even know why. I keep thinking... . if I had known about his dx, if I had known the skills... . would we have split? Could I have made it work?

Was this my fault.

Did I just shame him and make him feel alone and abandoned? I just wanted to be close to him. Desperately. I just didn't know how. Sometimes I wish I could have another shot at it. Other times I'm just trying to move on.

[shaggysoul]

I hate this. The pain. The fixation. The longing. The sadness.

[cska]

Shaggy, hey! I'm sorry about your pain, I was once there too. You shouldn't blame yourself, BPD is a serious psychiatric disorder. I know I did a lot to validate my ex, and not judge her, but she got worse and worse. If BPD was easy to remedy, there would be no one here. But the truth is that BPD is serious mental illness, and can be abated only with extensive therapy. We can't fix them. Don't blame yourself.

Btw, you shouldn't trust everything you read/see online about BPD, and it sounds like that video is a bunch of bull. Who made the video? Is the source credible?

[Emelie Emelie]

Hey Shaggy - I hate this too.  I want my "self" back.  I hate the crying.  The missing him so I bad I think I'll die.  The having one two many glasses of wine and texting him and feeling like a total pathetic idiot.  The almost uncontrollable urge to drive to his house and ask if he'd try again.  (The only thing that stops me is I know he'd say no.)  I feel like a total head case.  I knew about my XBF's BPD.  I read that when they're exhibiting negative BPD behaviors towards you; raging, pulling away, criticizing, etc. that they're scared.  It's their fear of abandonment.  And he always told me I know one day you'll get sick of my BS and leave me.  So I tried to reassure him.  I let a lot of crappy behavior towards me go.  Love him through it.  I talked him through his anger.  His depression.  I told him it wasn't his fault.  I asked how I could best support him.  I told him his BPD was a part of him... . it wasn't who he was.  And it just got worse.  He just started pushing me away more and more and finally ended it.  Maybe it was more BPD behavior.  Maybe he was afraid I'd leave him someday.  Maybe he just wanted out of the relationship for other reasons.  I don't know.  Guess what I'm saying is no matter how hard we tried we were trying with someone who just isn't capable of having a healthy relationship. 

And I think I tried too hard.  I was an insecure mess and didn't know which way was up at the end.  I totally lost myself in this relationship.  And I felt so betrayed... . that I tried so hard to understand and be there for him and he left.  I've realized I've probably got some abandonment issues of my own.  Not dealing with this break up well at all. 

But if you had made it work?  If I had made it work?  Would we have been happy in the long run?  The one thing I do know is that this is incredibly painful.  But someday... . I hope... . this pain will stop.  If I stayed with him I don't think it ever would.

[talithacumi]

" ... . if we could have validated and been less judgmental then we would not have trigged the BPD so much."

Shaggy - based on what I've read here about how to make living with a pwBPD less tumultuous for everyone involved, I think that statement, on its face, is actually very accurate.

What it glosses over, however, is the fact that your partner would STILL have BPD, would STILL have disordered feelings/thoughts, would STILL end up being triggered by those feelings/thoughts, and would STILL engage in a variety of maladaptive coping mechanisms (lying, cheating, raging, withdrawing, self-harm, and all the other impulsive/compulsive behaviors they've always engaged in for that purpose) no matter how validating and non-judgemental you ever managed to be.

All of those things will be true/keep happening so long as the disorder itself remains undiagnosed, and untreated.

This ISN'T your fault. There is NOTHING you could have done to have prevented this from happening. ALL you might have been able to actually accomplish is delaying it by learning/using the kind of communication techniques described elsewhere on this site to deal with your partner's disordered needs.

It sounds like you're still in the bargaining stage of your grief/loss. Been there. Totally sucks. Please try not to blame/be so hard on yourself. You didn't give this disorder to your partner - it's been there from the start, hiding behind all that attraction, interest, excitement, warmth, affection, and charm - and you don't have the knowledge/skills/objectivity to make it go away again either. All you could have ever done was accommodate/live with it as best you could - which is exactly what you DID do.

You CAN let the disorder take the weight of the responsibility IT actually bears for that demise off your shoulders. At least let it do THAT for you today.

Big hug.

TC

[MammaMia]

Emelie

PLEASE do not blame yourself for the breakup.  What you have to understand about BPD is that emotional dysfunction cannot be controlled.  If  pwBPD want to leave they will paint you black, blame you for everything, and just go.  I doubt there is anything to be done to stop them, and the feelings of others really do not matter to them.

Nons cannot live their entire lives around validating people with mental illness.  When it gets to the point where you have no life of your own, and no self-worth, it IS time to accept the end of the relationship.  The only other option is to spend your life with your pwBPD in total control, tormenting you, and making your life miserable.  Bpd reality is not the reality a non lives in, and you cannot love the disorder away.  It is a life-long battle. 

Your sacrifices will never be enough.  It is the nature of the disorder.