Validating is when

[Fay]

Validating is easy when I am not the target.  This is one of the toughest parts.  Having the patience to validate something that is not happening or true?  Wow.  I do it.  But it is hard.  My dd has PTSD.  I try to make it as easy going as possible.  Such as: Whew!  Oh that must feel terrible to go through this... . My dd seems to get very small and child like.  I calmly tell her, "hey, stay with me here. Stay in the present."  If she is crying so hard I can't understand her.  I tell her.  She is responsive. She will laugh and say o.k.  Sometimes she just wants to vent.  I listen until she ask what I think or she'll say I feel better. Other times she gets angry and quickly tells me she has to go. I will get a text explaining she doesn't want to say anything mean to me.  Is it because she is coming to stay with me, has no other place to go and is on her best behavior?  If so why is it pwPBD can control the behavior sometimes? 

I haven't been able to get the books. But if anyone can help enlighten me.

Fay

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

This is one of the toughest parts.  Having the patience to validate something that is not happening or true?

What is happening has always two parts - the facts, and the emotions that a pwBPD is experiencing as a result of their perceptions. If the facts do not fit the perceptions, what I CAN validate are the emotions (those are very real and they are happening). I do not need to validate their way of perceiving reality - and on certain occasions it is discouraged (it's called "validating the invalid" - validating something that is not true.)

Does that make sense?

Is it because she is coming to stay with me, has no other place to go and is on her best behavior?  If so why is it pwPBD can control the behavior sometimes?

Good questions Fay.

I do not have any easy answers for you, BPD is very complex and every pwBPD is unique in some way.

That being said, IMHO the short answer to your questions (but also very simplified one) is that:

1. As long as the pwBPD is emotionally regulated (at least under 5 on a scale of 1-10; 10 being completely out of control); they can control their behavior IF they think about it and decide to control their behavior.

2. BPD surfaces the most and the most intensely in close relationships. My experience has been that the closer our d32 got to us at times, the more likely she was to have an "episode". I am not sure if it was because we got 'enmeshed' with her (and did not keep clear boundaries) or if it was because she felt safer in expressing her true (dysregulated) feelings and behaviors, or if it was the closeness itself triggering those feelings (the "I hate you-don't leave me", push-pull of a BPD r/s). Most likely a combination of those three... .

On the books - have you tried the inter-library loan program with your local library? (I was able to get all of the books through it with the exception of the really new ones - have to wait at least six months before the books become available that way)... . It has been a great resource for me, and it's free... .

[vivekananda]

Hi Fay,

Pessio gave you sound feedback there.

I would like to add to it another perspective. ok, if my dd is 'attacking me' I expect of myself that I will listen to the intent behind the words. I'll try an eg... .

dd: You never listen to me!

me: I understand that would frustrating, I am trying to listen now.

in that simple eg, I identified the emotion she is feeling as frustration. I did not respond to her accusation, that is not what is important.

The difficult is when she says something that hurts me. This is where I really call on my other skills. This is when I need to identify my own emotional needs - eg I am hurt because I feel guilty (maybe) or maybe she triggers in me a response when in the past someone has hurt me and what she says or does takes me back to that. Eg

dd: You have abused me all my life!

me: You have felt terrible hurt when you think about your childhood. I am sorry you have felt such pain. I would like to talk about it with you when you are ready, with your T perhaps.

See that would trigger me enormously and probably make me cry. I would need to say to myself, that is a hurtful thing, but I am not the person with the mental illness, I can take care of my hurt. My dd needs me to be here for her.

The thing when we feel hurt is 1) to identify our own emotional need and 2) to learn how to meet our own emotional needs. If we can learn to do this, it will bring us to a sense of 'detachment', not separation from our pw BPD, but we can detach from our own emotional involvement, meet our own emotional needs and show ourselves compassion. It also means we can learn to let go of our ego, not expect others to meet our emotional needs.

Validation is a tool to help us communicate better with our loved ones, esp those with BPD. It is a tool that leads us to mindfulness, to being in the present, being fully committed to the other person. And it can also help us with our own concerns, when we reflect on ourselves.

This is a link to an excellent video that lasts about 51 mins. I highly recommend it:

Understanding Validation in Families - Alan E. Fruzzetti, PhD

any help?

Vivek