Things to know about Anger- A Secondary Emotion

[Suzn]

Anger- A Secondary Emotion

Understanding anger is a secondary emotion is key to growing more emotionally mature. The information found here by Steve Hein is a good example of exploring to find the root cause of our anger. This is beneficial to Identifying Your Emotions  

Things to know about anger

Anger is a powerful emotion. It can be used either in productive or counter-productive ways. It can lengthen or shorten our lives. It is like electricity. It can run large equipment or it can electrocute you.

Here are more things to know about anger:

1. It is a powerful survival tool

2. It is a response to pain (physical or psychological)

3. It is a source of energy

4. It is a secondary emotion

5. When we are angry, the brain downshifts to a lower evolutionary level

6. Prolonged anger is unhealthy

7. Repressed anger is also unhealthy

Nature has developed the emotional state we call "anger" to help us stay alive. Anger sends signals to all parts of our body to help us fight or flee. It energizes us to prepare us for action. Many years ago we were threatened by wild animals who wanted to eat us. Now we more often feel threatened by other human beings, either psychologically or physically.

When we feel energized by anger, we might ask ourselves how we put this energy to the most productive use. As with the use of other forms of energy such as electricity or oil, we might want to use it efficiently, not wastefully.

Primary vs. Secondary Feelings

Perhaps the most helpful thing to remember about anger is that it is a secondary emotion. A primary feeling is what is felt immediately before we feel angry. We always feel something else first before we get angry.

We might first feel afraid, attacked, offended, disrespected, forced, trapped, or pressured. If any of these feelings are intense enough, we think of the emotion as anger.

Generally speaking, secondary feelings do not identify the unmet emotional need (UEN). When all I can say is "I feel angry," neither I nor any one else knows what would help me feel better. A helpful technique, then, is to always identify the primary emotion.

Here is an example. Assume someone wants us to do something we prefer not to do. At first we feel a little pressured, but not enough to get angry. When they keep pushing us, we begin to get irritated. If they continue, we get "angry". Such anger damages relationships. One suggestion on how to avoid getting angry in this case would be to express your initial feeling by saying "I feel pressured" before the feeling has escalated to the point of destructive anger. If the person respects your feelings and does not invalidate or ignore them, they may stop their pressure. Even if they do not, I believe it is helpful to know what the specific feeling is. Knowing exactly how we feel with others and why helps us in several ways. First it raises our self-awareness in general. Second, it helps us communicate more precisely. Third, it helps us learn more quickly who respects our feelings and who we want to spend time with.

Anger as a Response to Fear

One of the primitive functions of an animal's response to fear is to frighten away the attacker. But in modern human life, we often frighten away those who we need and care about most. Besides this, prolonged anger has clear health consequences. According to Dr. Herbert Benson, these include heart attacks, hardening of the arteries, strokes, hypertension, high blood pressure, heart rate changes and metabolism, muscle and respiratory problems. (The Relaxation Response, 1975)

Responding To and Learning From Anger

Anger is an intense emotion. It is evidence that we feel strongly about something. As with every emotion, it has a lesson for us. It can teach us what we value, what we need, what we lack, what we believe and what our insecurities are. It can help us become more aware of what we feel strongly about and which emotional needs are important to us. One way to learn from anger is shown in the example below:

Instead of saying,

She never should have done that. I can't believe how irresponsible, insensitive and inconsiderate she is. What a cold- hearted, evil witch she is.

a more productive response is:

I am really upset by this. Why does it bother me so much? What specifically am I feeling? What are my primary feelings? What need do I have that is not being met? What principles of mine have been violated?

From the answers to these questions, we can decide what course of action to take in view of what our goals are. Simply being aware that we have multiple options and that we can decide to pick the best one helps soothe the anger. It may help, for instance, to ask if we really want to frighten away the person we are angry at. As soon as we "upshift" and begin to think about our options and their consequences, and make appropriate plans, we start to feel more in control and less threatened. We get out of the automatic stimulus-response mode and realize that we have choices.

There is a quote which goes like this:

Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom. - Victor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning (bookstore)

It may be helpful for us to try to widen this space during our lives. In fact this may be one sign of wisdom and maturity. It may also give us an increased sense of control over our feelings and reactions.

Simply remembering that we have a choice helps us feel more in control. I have found it helpful, for example, to identify when I am feeling provoked. Once I realize this I feel more in control of my response. Not surprisingly, studies show that people feel better and are healthier when they have a sense of control over their lives. This is where the balance between upper brain and lower brain comes in. Part of developing our emotional intelligence is learning to channel our anger in productive ways to help us achieve our goals rather than to sabotage them.

Keeping our goals clearly in mind at all times helps us accomplish this.

Here are some suggestions for responding to your anger:

1. Ask what you are afraid of.

2. Ask what feelings preceded the anger.

3. Ask what other feelings you are feeling.

4. Ask what you are trying to control.

5. Ask what you can control.

6. Consider your options.

7. Choose the one which will bring you the most long term happiness.

Finally, here is a technique I sometimes use to help me cope with "anger" (if I haven't already "downshifted" to a purely reactive animal instinct state). When I catch myself starting to say "I feel angry" or "I am starting to get really angry," I say instead, "I feel really energized." Then I ask myself how I want to channel my energy to its best use. It is a simple little technique, but sometimes it has made a big difference in how I feel and how I respond.

How can this help us?

Being able to step back and honestly identify the primary emotion behind anger is beneficial to our self awareness, as well as, our mental and physical health. The focus is now on us and how we can respond more appropriately to our emotions.

[bpdspell]

Underneath my Anger:

Deep immense hurt

sadness

loneliness

vulnerability

feeling abandoned

fear of the unknown

panic & anxiety

feeling worthless

feeling forsaken by God

feeling like some sort of weird flotation device

Spell

[laelle]

Hurt

Hopelessness

Fear of abandonment

Feeling like I was not in control of my own life.

Shame because I did not love myself.  I abandoned myself to abuse and bad decisions.

I missed someone who used me. Intentional or otherwise.

[Lucky Jim]

Friends, According to Thich Nhat Hanh, underneath anger is suffering or hurt.  Agree with suzn, the key is to identify the source of our suffering in order to find relief from the anger.  My BPDexW for a number of reasons could never get behind her intense anger to her fundamental trauma or hurt.  As a result, the anger just remained there, right on the surface, to the point that it consumed her personality, from my perspective.  She changed her T regularly.  As soon as a T got too close to the source of her inner turmoil, she would discontinue T, making excuses for why she was leaving that T.  Same thing would happen with the next T, and the next.  Meanwhile, her anger was building and I could predict that an eruption was bound to happen.  This experience allowed me to come to terms with anger, my own and hers, which helped me on some level, although going through it was hellish.  Thanks to all, Lucky Jim

[Suzn]

Identifying the underlying emotion and then allowing ourselves to experience that emotion is beneficial to our emotional growth. Anger is easy to jump to and if we hold on to it too long it's avoidant, it's a way to avoid feeling the uncomfortable, painful, not so fun emotions.

I have been guilty of hanging on to anger too long, I became comfortable with this emotion as a child which changed it's function. It no longer "moved" me to act on healthy changes for myself as an adult. Realizing this opened up a fuller range of emotions, all of which we have the right to, they're ours too. For example, I have the right to feel sad if it's appropriate . Anger has it's place, it can be a catalyst for growth too.

Anyone else ever hang on to anger too long?

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I figured out pretty early, that the one emotion my uBP seemed to experience was DANGEROUS ANGER. He liked to say he was in pain, and hurting, but he frequently lashed out like a wild animal in rage, (and he always had a justification or excuse, 100% some aspect of his life with me).

But I was on to him early, I knew he was an angry man, way before he became involved with me, and later I figured out just what his problem really was, with the help of my own doctor, hence the reason I found this wonderful community.

To me, when you really begin to access your deep pain, it is tender and soft, and the tears come, (and with that comes some healing). With the release of anger, there does not come much healing, unless you get to resolve the issues that you got angry over in the first place, that brings the healing. Sure you can manage the anger a bit, by exercise, housework, or some other physical activity, but if the thing that is making you angry is unsettled, the anger doesn't dissipate for a long time, if ever.

Most of us as adults can do this, by cooling down, and sitting down and discussing the issues at stake, not BP though, he simply refused to resolve any of his issues with anyone, hence the reason he is still stuck on repeat/replay mode every day.

I never saw tender and soft in uBP, (maybe 10%) I only saw angry, snarling, mean, pettiness, childish rage, cruelty and violence.

For me? I am able to access all of my emotions, and have released a tremendous amount of pain/tears, even anger. But I think the having to repress my anger for so long, (around him) has taken it's toll. The reason I say I had to repress it, is clearly written about here, there is not room for our feelings, hurts, needs in these relationships, and since we always have to be on the alert, saying and doing the right thing, in response to their dramas our own emotions/boundaries are often ignored.

It simply wasn't/isn't safe for me to be angry around BP, because in his eyes, I wasn't allowed to be angry or upset, after all, I have everything, and he has nothing! And the reason he has nothing? Of course, it is everybody else's fault.

His life would be incredible if he hadn't met me of course, (um, that must be why it is exactly the same as it was when he met me then).

He is still calling himself 'homeless', broken, unemployed, and a victim of cruelty by others, (mostly me, his parents, his brother, and everyone in my life).

He is leaner than he was when he met me, he is ill, his teeth need repair, and the list goes on, and he is extremely resentful of everybody around him for 'having it all' and taking it away from him.

How can you help someone who doesn't want to take any personal responsibility for himself and his own lack of mental/physical health? Or his own employment? Or his own accommodation?

He fights with everybody around him, his parents are at their wits end, after putting him up off and on for the past 13 years, he has relied on them as backstop accommodation, and then resents them for having their own boundaries, (god he has lived there for free!).

They are elderly, in frail unstable health, and they cannot cope well with their son's mental illness anymore. They are well aware, (well the Mother is I think but she blames the Father since he was apparently the same when younger) that their unstable marriage may have been the cause, but still!

I am also tired of BP's obsession over other people's money and what they spend it on. Almost like he expects everything to be handed to him on a plate, and then he can resent you for it anyway, and make excuses as to why he cannot generate his own wealth and contribute more to those around him.

His ultimatums on me to provide him with a house for just the two of us, are wearing thin. After what he has done to me, my family and the house I did hand to him on a plate, I am reluctant to give up my security and a good situation with my family to cater to a spoilt child and his whims.

For the first two years, I did provide him with free accommodation, and he resented me for it, he also acted like it was his house, and he made the rules here as to who came and went, (he did that with my life too).

The control he tried out, was dangerous and cruel.

In the end, after two years of continual violence and death threats, and attempts, and verbal abuse, sleep deprivation several nights per week, threats to my family, daily denigrations of my family and friends, which ended in him instigating physical violence in my absence, I said NO more and said he should not stay here anymore.

As it was, he would disappear several times per week anyway, either to his parents, or somewhere I would never know the real truth about.

I'm sorry all, I have gone on too long once again.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi rollercoaster24, I found your post quite moving and on target.  I loved what you wrote about unresolved anger:

With the release of anger, there does not come much healing, unless you get to resolve the issues that you got angry over in the first place, that brings the healing. Sure you can manage the anger a bit, by exercise, housework, or some other physical activity, but if the thing that is making you angry is unsettled, the anger doesn't dissipate for a long time, if ever.

You describe the dilemma perfectly that I faced in my BPD marriage.  My uBPDexW would explode with rage, punching walls or breaking down doors, yet she could never resolve the issues underlying her anger, so it never dissipated and no healing could occur.  I lived a long time with an intensely angry spouse, but her outbursts, as you note, were just a temporary respite that did not bring any true healing.  Then the pattern would start all over again.

For a while there, I became an angry person, too, at least around her, which I'm not proud to admit.  My boiling point was lowered by living with her, so it didn't take much to set me off.  I swore and used language that is totally unlike me, yet she pushed me to some awful place where anger reigned supreme.  Not fun to recall . . .

Thanks to all for your thoughts on this topic!

Lucky Jim

[fromheeltoheal]

I've known anger is a secondary emotion for a long time, and have always dug for what's under it, but sometimes that included repressing or ignoring that anger.  Lately, and especially after the BPD spin cycle, I've allowed myself to feel that anger, and boy has it come out strong, all the way to rage, where I've needed to stay away from certain people or I'd end up in jail.  

So what I've learned is that yes, anger is a secondary emotion, it is helpful to sit with it and dig to find the primary one, which has usually been hurt as a result of disrespect or undue pressure, and develop tools to stop that from happening in the future, which is usually simply speaking up for myself at the time.  And at other times realizing that anger is part of a grieving process, that must be gone through to grieve fully, the next step being depression, followed by acceptance.  I've been in anger mode for a few months after the BPD 'experience', and lately I've found it waning, settling into what feels 'down', or depressed, and a settling-in, as well as some acceptance, and it feels better, it feels like progress, it feels like healing.  Anger is sometimes a necessary part of the process.

[heartandwhole]

Sometimes what I feel underneath my anger is a kind of rage, and underneath that is a lot of fear.  I also react angrily when I feel hurt, because it's more comfortable than bursting into tears, especially if I think that my tears will be met with rejection or minimizing.

Lately, especially in my FOO, I've been reacting with anger pretty frequently.  When I dig deeper, I find the big hurt that I never expressed when I was a child, maybe I wasn't even aware of it.  My "little heart" is speaking up a lot these days.  I'm working on communicating my feelings of hurt instead of anger, but I feel afraid and embarrassed because these are definitely the feelings of a child. 

[catsprt]

Abandonment, worthlessness and fear (what if I deserved all this?) ... . When she totally ignores the abuse. I really love the spin on feeling reenergized. I feel EMPOWERED as I do not have to take the abuse again and again. I do not need her to acknowledge that I was a victim as much or more than my brother. I am distancing myself from the memory, from the hurt. Thank you.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

And to Lucky Jim

Thanks for your reply, what you have added further, is also exactly the way I felt in response to uBP's anger issues.

I must also add that I see a pattern in myself in past relationships as well, (in that if they were lying, controlling, cheating,) I would occasionally respond in anger myself and go at it verbally in response to their cruelty or other forms of control/abuse, (silly me!).

This cycle of anger and retaliation only serves to deepen your own shame about yourself and keep you locked into these relationships for the worse. In a relationship with BP this also keeps you tolerating BP's abuse towards you, because your own self-esteem suffers because you feel to blame for the abuse, (it makes you believe more strongly that your own response caused it, and BP's maximise this to their own benefit).

On the one hand we have the manipulative dynamics of the traditionally abusive relationship, where the victim is brainwashed into thinking it is their fault the abuse is happening...

And on the other hand, we have the manipulative dynamics of the BP, projecting their toxic feelings onto us, us soaking them up and experiencing them for them, (anger and rage!).

Thus, we get occasionally angry back, (so we should!@!) we react badly, (either telling them off via text, or yelling at them) and then we feel immense shame/remorse and this also keeps us locked into that belief that maybe what they say is true, that it is all their fault that they acted/treated us the way they did! Crazy making, but it does keep us there long after we should be... .

I still think about a few lines from the book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells" where a woman and her partner are in his vehicle and stopped at traffic lights, the man starts becoming verbally abusive in the car, around and towards the woman, she jumps out of the car and runs off, and he doesn't hear from her for several days, (he is never abusive like that again).

I am wondering if all of us had been able to do that (the first time the BP's in our lives showed this side of themselves) would we still all be witnessing their acting out today?

Because being able to run off like that isn't always possible when you live with someone, or you are in their car and they won't stop and let you out, or you can't drive off yourself because they have blocked your car in your own driveway, or they have woken you in the middle of the night, or followed you to your workplace, or you have children together, or they have grabbed something you need and won't return it, or damaged your property or made threats to others you know.

I often read here that we have intermittently reinforced their behaviour in the past, and still do, which is why they continue to act out, but with the tactics they use, is it any wonder? How can any of us use the tools here, when under this type of pressure?

I know myself that I have unwillingly reinforced my BP's bad behaviour, and of course that I have contributed by 'making it worse' however this really doesn't seem to sit well with me.

I try and stop making it worse, but I am tired of the assaults, and tired of the toxic cycle of shame.

[Lucky Jim]

Wow, rollercoaster, that was powerful . . .

Your explanation fits my experience to a "T" --

Sometimes, it seems, the more one reacts to and engages with the taunting and provoking by the pwBPD, the more it deepens one's own shame and guilt that one is the person at fault, which in a weird way is what the pwBPD is trying to accomplish on some subconscious level, which makes it that much harder to break the pattern.  I used to draw circles and arrows to depict the negative cycles in my BPD marriage, yet I was unsuccessful at getting the cycles and arrows reversed.

Now that I am officially divorced from by uBPDexW, I still find the best policy is to resist the urge to engage when my BPDex says something hurtful or unkind.  I get angry, sure, but I don't play into the cycle anymore.  I'm out of the game!

Thanks,

Lucky Jim

[gettingoverit]

I have always struggled with anger. More so how to express it constructively. Sometimes I feel like I am rung so tight I am ready to explode. A lot of my anger stems from deep hurt and frustration. Frustration with everything. My current gf tells me that I put too much pressure on myself and I need to learn to "chill" out. It's kinda hard when I have been programed to be responsible and in control since the time I was a child. Being the oldest of three, I was a small adult in a child's body. Uber responsible is an understatement. I wish I was one of those laid back, "don't worry, it will all work out" kinda person. Things would be so much easier, and I think I would be less proned to getting angry over stupid crap.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey gettingoverit,  To what extent do you think your anger may derive, in part, from being the first child?  Certainly birth order is a factor in the role ascribed to each child in the family system.  I'm sure that there are books and articles on this subject, if you care to explore further.  Lucky Jim

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I often wish that I could have been perfect, never said a mean word in retaliation or hurt. Somehow though, I always knew that even if I had been that perfect/saintly/eternally loving, angelic woman he expected me to be, (how unobtainable as a human!@!) BP would not have changed his behaviour towards me... he can't unless he goes back to accepting and admitting that he needs help...

I have sent a wish out to the universe that he come back to me partially healed, and ready to work on himself, maybe I will be successful, we shall see... Somehow, I think he has another 'source of supply' he is focused on, and maybe always had whilst with me.

Still, through all the pain he has inflicted on me, and I upon him, I still love him madly, passionately, and pine for him... Crazy huh?

I doubt that I shall ever meet anybody now, or perhaps ever, that I shall feel that depth of love/feeling/passion for again... It was a long time before I met him that I had felt that way, so I realise these connections don't come along every day.

The hardest thing of all, was the eternal feelings of rejection, that I wasn't the 'one' for him, that he wanted someone better, blonde, that perfect woman essence... Made me realise how much I have beaten myself up, and given up on myself since becoming involved with him. Never felt good enough, that if perhaps I was 'the one' for him, that he would have committed to getting well, and improving his relationship with me because he truly wanted it to last.

This is all silly, I do realise, because I know that he will not change, unless he gets help, still, there is always that nagging doubt in the back of your mind, that what if they meet someone better, with less stress/people in their life/easier work/more money/no children/free lifestyle to travel/and all the rest of the what if's.

It gets you to thinking yet again, that maybe you just weren't the 'one' after all, (even though the BP's told us we were) and they will continue their quest to find that someone who suits what they were really looking for.

If my exBP has been seeing someone else, then I don't want him back anyway, as the rejection was already bad enough...