Vacation with my FOO coming up, likely to trigger

[zaqsert]

Several months ago we planned and booked a trip with my immediate and extended FOO.  About two months ago we spent a week with my parents -- towards the end of this time my uBPDw got triggered, dysregulated, blamed everyone (privately to me, although our D2 heard some of it), and vowed never again to go on a trip with my parents.  She said she decided not to go on the upcoming trip with my FOO.

In the past, I used to be offended by this kind of comment.  It felt like a threat.  This time I thought: good for her for recognizing that it would be such a triggering trip.

The trip is coming up in about a week.  In the last few days my wife dropped a few comments that sounded like she might be considering coming on the trip again.  Today I asked her directly, and she said she is thinking about it.  Although she also mentioned a reason why she may not want to go, with no word of her prior triggering reasons.

Having had a couple of months of believing that only D2 and I would go on the trip, I've come to feel that it would be a great trip that way.  :)2 and I would get to spend quality time with family, and without extra drama.

Now my wife is, once again, considering coming.  If she comes, I fear that she will dysregulate over something at least once, if not much more.  I can continue to apply the lessons to shorten those episodes, but other family members will not know to do so.  I may have to take lots of time outs and try to bring D2 with me.  And I'm not looking forward to what I fear may be lots of verbal abuse towards D2 and me -- that I will walk away from or try to protect D2 from, but it still hurts to have to hear the beginnings of it.  And accusations of how I "always put family and others before [my wife]".

As much as I wish I still enjoyed going places and doing things with my wife, I am not really looking forward to this one.

I think the best I can do right now is let her decide for herself whether she wants to go on the trip or not.  I expect that she will ask me what I think she should do (or, as she puts it more directly, "What should I do?".  If she does ask, I suppose I should try SET.  Something like:

S:  I really want you to be comfortable with the decision.

E:  This seems like a tough decision to make, for lots of very understandable reasons.

T:  This is a decision that you need to make.  I can't help you with this one.

Suggestions?

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[zaqsert]

Well, it seems my uBPDw is already getting triggered, and it's only been a day since she told me she was thinking of coming on the trip.

A while back she had expressed her concern over whether the trip would be a good idea for our D2.  I looked it over and decided that it would.  Maybe we would sit out several of the activities, but at least we would have time with family at other times.

Today my wife went through the itinerary pointing out the various things she was concerned about, either asking me whether each one is appropriate or asking me who we should ask.  I probably did not do such a good job of validating.  I answered "I don't know" to some of them and offered possible people to ask for opinions on others.  She seemed annoyed that I was not as worried as she seemed to be.  I said (as I had previously) that I planned to figure out activities day by day, and sit out the ones that did not seem appropriate.  At some point I remembered that I needed to sprinkle in validation such as "It's understandable to feel concerned about these things."

When we had a quiet moment, without needing to have half of my attention on D2, I checked in with my wife on what she would like.  I calmly said "I'm glad to see you're considering coming on the trip again."  She had that that quiet, angry look.  I said "It seems to me that you are annoyed, are you, or what are you feeling?"  She said "It's probably more 'indifference'."  I asked what she means.  She said she doesn't want to have this argument again.  I asked what she meant.  She said it's clear that I don't want to ask anyone before the trip.

I realized then that it was not clear to me that she wanted me to get another opinion or two on appropriateness of activities for our D2 before the trip, so I asked her if this was what she would like.  She responded with various forms of "whatever".  I tried to validate her feeling, thanked her for telling me what she wanted, and then let her know that I don't mind asking someone else for their opinion.  Her look conveyed to me that she didn't buy it.  But those are her feelings to work through.  I realize this may have felt invalidating to her, but I felt that I needed to communicate my truth.

Wow, do I need to start working on some mindfulness!  I'm already feeling anxious over these interactions and the upcoming trip.