Is NC good while the divorce process?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I filed divorce one month ago; and I started NC. My stbxBPDw was (is) trying to contact me, I met her two weeks ago (when she was served with the divorce papers) and she tried to recycle me: she told me that she was changing, that she love me; I told her that It was over, that I do not love her any more. And I wish her the best.

We have no kids. No mayor assets.

Is NC good while the divorce process? Or is better to talk to her, despite all the FOG and emotional blackmail?

[Xtrange]

I filed divorce one month ago; and I started NC. My stbxBPDw was (is) trying to contact me, I met her two weeks ago (when she was served with the divorce papers) and she tried to recycle me: she told me that she was changing, that she love me; I told her that It was over, that I do not love her any more. And I wish her the best.

We have no kids. No mayor assets.

Is NC good while the divorce process? Or is better to talk to her, despite all the FOG and emotional blackmail?

[ForeverDad]

Generally it is best to keep contact to a minimum.  If the marriage is ending, contact will have to end at some point anyway.  Generally an ended relationship with someone with BPD can't continue as 'friends'.  For example, even if you don't have children or major assets, rather than make allegations, which is a possibility though possibly not a high risk, she could also try to manipulate or guilt you to cancel the divorce and get back with her.  She has 5-10 years history to use in her tactics to recycle/restore the relationship, such as it was.

[SweetCharlotte]

I agree with first response. If there are no children involved, there is no legal advantage to maintaining contact with the stbx.

It's only if you had children with her, then you would want to demonstrate that you can peacefully co-parent with her and that you would not alienate your children from her.

[Xtrange]

Thanks ForeverDad and SweetCharlotte,

The “real” divorce process is starting now, she has the divorce papers and I hope she realizes that this time is the end for good. But, I am afraid that this triggers the abandonment feelings and drives her to extreme (nastier) behaviors.

[Forward2free]

It can certainly be a trigger when the divorce is in full swing.

It's best to set and maintain your boundaries of no contact so that you do not feed the need for contact with stbx. It's amazing how contact, no matter how good or bad, in court or out, can be enough to feed their need for attention.

If you can maintain your boundaries now, through whatever is thrown your way, it will help to shift stbx's dependence on you to provide the entertainment.

[livednlearned]

If I could have gone NC with N/BPDx during my divorce, I would've done it in a heartbeat.

Not possible when kids are involved. I think the contact is toxic for both of you.

Make sure you read Splitting by Bill Eddy. Even though you don't have kids, it can help you understand what happens when BPD and the legal process mix. Be sure to protect yourself at all costs. My ex is turning even the smallest issues into big deals that aren't exactly nightmares, but major headaches that cost me money to resolve. Like handing over the title to my car.

[Xtrange]

It's amazing how contact, no matter how good or bad, in court or out, can be enough to feed their need for attention.

Thanks kormilda,

If they think they have hope they will try to recycle.

[Xtrange]

If I could have gone NC with N/BPDx during my divorce, I would've done it in a heartbeat.

Not possible when kids are involved. I think the contact is toxic for both of you.

Make sure you read Splitting by Bill Eddy. Even though you don't have kids, it can help you understand what happens when BPD and the legal process mix. Be sure to protect yourself at all costs. My ex is turning even the smallest issues into big deals that aren't exactly nightmares, but major headaches that cost me money to resolve. Like handing over the title to my car.

Thanks. livednlearned.

I've already read it and help me allot.