Resisting the urge to defend/ respond

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I have stopped responding to my ex for over three weeks now. I have posted how things have gone from bad to worse lately. What was simple " I hate you". Has gone back to lengths of how cruel I have been. How I manipulated and used him. That I hurt him permanently. That he trusted and believed my lies. That I played sick games with him. He hates that he ever loved me.

I am struggling with not biting back. I have given a brief synopsis of things between us in other posts. I did go bat crap crazy a few times when I found him cheating. I did keep D away from him. I did leave and not come back. I did make things worse before I knew what i was doing. Since I realized he could be disordered. ( as he is undiagnosed but classic BPD/NPD) I stopped fighting. I stopped defending. I used SET all the time. Nothing helped!

Now, I have apologized sincerely to him and his family for my part. I have changed my behavior toward him and everyone for that matter. ( I am really working on my issues actively). Now to hear this same stuff being thrown at me after all the crazy making and threats and horrible black mail. I really want to fight back.

I want to ask him if he honestly believes that he is so innocent. Does he think he never lied, cheated, emotionally attacked, belittled, mentally abused me? I understand projection. But my word! This is just awful.

I know i am a huge trigger for him. I knew going NC would benefit him as much as me. But I am human and I want to be heard! I want to have validation too! this is so difficult. To remain silent when I know I didnt do this on my own. I reacted horribly and initiated some bad arguments. Even stooped to low levels to retaliate at times. I owned it! this is getting to me.

As much as I want validation and to be heard, I also want to tell him again that I understand why I reacted the way I did. I know what my issues are for the most part. I am understanding. Am I wrong for wanting to apologize and tell him I am working on me? I am wondering why I even care if he knows. UGH!

I am so exhausted with it.  I read somewhere in another post about someone wanting a shot to erase memories. Sign me up! 

I have my thumbs primed and ready to text but wont. I will not engage in that dance again. I am just really so tired of being beat down. I know I could change my number but I have explained my reason for not doing so. This is a complicated mess.


Edited to add: I am having a very hard day. Emotional to say the least. I havent been able to  really experience my emotions freely. My situation here is very stressful alone. ( elderly parent with dementia,the kids) Add this to the legalities I am facing and I am not in a healthy frame of mind. I feel very alone right now. He was my go to best friend for 18 plus years. I would be leaning on him during this stressful time had we never become more seriously involved. its just what we did. Listen, comfort, advise. I miss that. Wanted to put that out there. As much for me as for those reading. Im trying to stay focused. I guess I just needed to get this out. thanks for reading.

[clover528]

I have stopped responding to my ex for over three weeks now. I have posted how things have gone from bad to worse lately. What was simple " I hate you". Has gone back to lengths of how cruel I have been. How I manipulated and used him. That I hurt him permanently. That he trusted and believed my lies. That I played sick games with him. He hates that he ever loved me.

I am struggling with not biting back. I have given a brief synopsis of things between us in other posts. I did go bat crap crazy a few times when I found him cheating. I did keep D away from him. I did leave and not come back. I did make things worse before I knew what i was doing. Since I realized he could be disordered. ( as he is undiagnosed but classic BPD/NPD) I stopped fighting. I stopped defending. I used SET all the time. Nothing helped!

Now, I have apologized sincerely to him and his family for my part. I have changed my behavior toward him and everyone for that matter. ( I am really working on my issues actively). Now to hear this same stuff being thrown at me after all the crazy making and threats and horrible black mail. I really want to fight back.

I want to ask him if he honestly believes that he is so innocent. Does he think he never lied, cheated, emotionally attacked, belittled, mentally abused me? I understand projection. But my word! This is just awful.

I know i am a huge trigger for him. I knew going NC would benefit him as much as me. But I am human and I want to be heard! I want to have validation too! this is so difficult. To remain silent when I know I didnt do this on my own. I reacted horribly and initiated some bad arguments. Even stooped to low levels to retaliate at times. I owned it! this is getting to me.

As much as I want validation and to be heard, I also want to tell him again that I understand why I reacted the way I did. I know what my issues are for the most part. I am understanding. Am I wrong for wanting to apologize and tell him I am working on me? I am wondering why I even care if he knows. UGH!

I am so exhausted with it.  I read somewhere in another post about someone wanting a shot to erase memories. Sign me up! 

I have my thumbs primed and ready to text but wont. I will not engage in that dance again. I am just really so tired of being beat down. I know I could change my number but I have explained my reason for not doing so. This is a complicated mess.


Edited to add: I am having a very hard day. Emotional to say the least. I havent been able to  really experience my emotions freely. My situation here is very stressful alone. ( elderly parent with dementia,the kids) Add this to the legalities I am facing and I am not in a healthy frame of mind. I feel very alone right now. He was my go to best friend for 18 plus years. I would be leaning on him during this stressful time had we never become more seriously involved. its just what we did. Listen, comfort, advise. I miss that. Wanted to put that out there. As much for me as for those reading. Im trying to stay focused. I guess I just needed to get this out. thanks for reading.

[Gaslit]

2010 once wrote: Be aware that Narcissists love attention, good or bad- so to ignore them really causes a narcissistic injury. Engaging in fighting just gives a Narcissist a big dose of narcissism.  The best way to show him that you are serious is to disengage. Do not continue to fight- it only keeps you caught in the web and just gets you more upset.

[clover528]

gaslit,

I know you are exactly right with pointing out not engaging is the best thing. I realized this a while ago. Being human and having my own issues, makes it pretty hard at times to stand down when I feel like I am being throttled daily. I am not responding.  thank you for the reply and insight.

[Clearmind]

Clover its my understanding that you are seeking legal support regarding your H's actions. Are you seeking some help for you emotionally?

[clover528]

clearmind,

I have a T i see once a week when I can get help here for that time. Otherwise, it is just me. My boys father is helpful too. He is being supportive and helping with keeping us safe etc. I have a few friends that know about this but they have their own life lessons happening and need support. They also do not understand the dynamic of this break up. I come here. When the kids and pops are occupied, I read, and post and cry mostly. Thats what I have.

[Surnia]

I feel with you, Clover. 

Yes, it can be very challenging not defending yourself!

Good you are working with a T.

Do you have some time daily just for you? i have the feeling that you are in some way burned out. 

[clover528]

Surnia,  I do not have time for me. I am completely burning both ends of the wick so to speak. I barely sleep. When i do it is with one eye open. From the time the first one wakes til they are all asleep, I am busy. When I have time like the last few hours, I spend it like I said in the last post. I went out to an event today with my boys father. He had some tickets to a local event and  invited me to go with him and the boys. An old acquaintance was there and she asked me what on earth had happened to me. I was so thin and looked exhausted. I had to excuse myself to the ladys room. I cried my heart out. I had no idea i looked that way. I know she meant no harm, I just didnt want to go into it all at that public venue. I left shortly after. Cried the entire way home and then some. I am making it as best I can. I am trying to stay positive. Poppa helps. He cant remember what he ate for breakfast, but always has a smile and a kind word. He keeps me humble and grateful, as much as the kids do.   

[Surnia]

Does your T knows about it? And if yes, what is his/her approach to this?

[babyducks]

Hi clover,

Detaching means coming to the understanding that we can no longer share our lives with our Ex's.

Not the good or the bad or the ordinary or the  moments that pop into our head.

Hard. 

Letting go is a process.  I am still in the middle of it myself.   

There are hard days.   It's normal.

Breathe.  Relax.   Work at staying in the moment.  Try not to ruminate.

babyducks

[clover528]

Yes T knows about my situation. She suggests finding an adult day care for poppa and to try and focus on the kids to find peace with them. She did suggest meds, but I am still nursing my D. Meds arent an option as of right now. As well as different breathing relaxation excercises when anxiety gets to me. Also, going to the park or for walks etc. That gets everyone out and about. Thats about it.

I do understand detachment is a process. I also know I will not be with him again. I was ruminating yesterday. I am a little better today. I know I will have good days and bad. As I said, yesterday wasnt the best. I survived and will forge ahead today.

Thanks for helping me and offering such support and advice. i truly appreciate all of you.

[Surnia]

Clover

good to hear you are a bit better today. We are here for you.   

Be nice with yourself, you have so much burden on your shoulders!