As it was to expect, he fooled me again...

[Billa]

as I wrote in my last post (,https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=205084.msg12280929#msg12280929) on the 5th of July, after some signal from him, I texted my exBPDbf and asked how he was doing. He immediately asked me to meet, to "clear the air from some past misunderstandings", a meeting which was supposed to happen the following week. Ten days passed and,on July 15th , hearing nothing from him, I texted him again. I asked him how was his first week of vacation, if he had relaxed a bit,  and he replied that not  so much, that he wanted to call me, but there had always been something to do, but he had the intention to call me before the end of his summer holiday period. I asked how long would it last and he answered he would be off from work  till the 28th of July. We chatted a bit about his work (he is always quarreling about something) and then I asked if he thought we could meet that week, and he told me that it was,'t possible because his friend XY (that is to say the woman with whom he cheated his ex-wife during 7 of their 9 years of marriage) was coming to visit him, but he was confident to be able to see me on 26/27th July (thank you my Lord to be so generous as to give me the chance to be included in your holiday plans, even if in the last days, last but yes least... . ), but, if it wasn't going to be possible, he would have his normal days off from work, when he went back to work. a very clear message, indeed... . He was the one to propose to see, he was the one who talked about this theme the second time, but he is also the one who has the power to decide... . and, as a person,  I mean nothing for him... . It was very painful for me, but in some way useful, as I saw clearly that he was testing his power over me... . That very same day he sent me another Facebook Friendship request, but putting me among the people who only can see 1/4 of what he posts. then I went to the Mountains, to have some rest, in mind and body, and he began to put likes on my photos and posts. But he didn't text me or wrote any message on Fb. On Saturday, five days after our last chat on Whatsapp, I texted him, just "have a nice weekend", in order to see how he would respond. He replied in a quite formal way, nothing more. Then, after some other days he suddenly put me, on  Feacebook, in the list of people who see 3/4 of his things. And I had the opportunity to see how busy he was to go to parties, have drinks around and writing harsh comments on a lot of themes, from his pc. Definitely too busy to see me or at least just call... . July the 26ht and July the 27th have passed and I still haven't heard nothing from him. I know it's a strategy to hurt me, as he was the one who asked to mee and the one who talked about it again in our second conversation. And I think it is also a sort of silent treatment, again. I know so many things that i shouldn't be angry, or hurting, but I am. Because i understand that there is not only love, but not even affection,for me, as it is clearly shown by what he is doing. I thought he had stopped painting me black, but i'm beginning to think I was wrong. I'm still black. My T says he wants me back at his own conditions, that is, as a part of his harem, and with my mouth shut (the one with whom he cheated me is always around, I think And there are many others, I suspect). So he is testing me, trying to lead me where he wants in the way and in the time he chooses for me. I don't know if she's right, but the way he is behaving is very sad. And painful.

[Surnia]

It hurts, Billa. 

Perhaps it is time to face reality. He will not change his behaviour, like your T said.

You can change, you can protect yourself from being hurt again. What prevents you from Staying away from him?

[Leaf]

My T says he wants me back at his own conditions, that is, as a part of his harem, and with my mouth shut

Hi Billa, What your therapist said is right on target in my experience.

I broke up with my BPD/NPD ex six months ago and he's still trying to get me back, but on his own terms. For instance, for the last four months or so he's been trying to run into me at the mall I go to, which is on the other side of town from where he lives. I go there at odd times to avoid him, but he's succeeded twice and the last time he tried to make me believe that running into me 'both times' was a sign we should be together. As he thinks his body is his greatest asset he hugged me three times, the third time he said "one more time because this might be the last time" – some kind of NLP to make ME think "o no, this might be the last time I can touch this wonderful body". He assured me that he loved me, that he had really changed blah blah. He wanted me to take a vacation with him (instead of his present main GF – he'd just drop her on her head if I said yes).

Yes, he wants me back, but only on HIS terms. I still had something of his he wanted back, so I told him I'd bring it to his place some time. When I mailed him to set the date he wrote back: "Just drop it in the hallway, thanks." Yeah right, he's been doing his utmost to run into me and he has been sending all these YouTube-links and pleading letters and now he doesn't want to see me. It actually made me laugh out loud.

I'm so far out that he can't pull me back in, Billa, but I remember how hard it was when he did this in the earlier stages of detachment. Waiting outside my gym to meet me, pleading to go for a coffee with him. I said OK, we had what I thought was a good talk and arranged to talk more the following days, kissed goodbye and then... . the silent treatment. That crushed me and was the last straw for me.

Billa you're seeing the pattern of what he's doing and that helps, but it doesn't make it any less painful. I think it's better not to try to keep in touch. My ex idealizes me because I mostly ignore him (I only answer mails about factual practical stuff), so if you want to be idealized by your ex, you know what to do... .  

[Billa]

It hurts, Billa.  

Perhaps it is time to face reality. He will not change his behaviour, like your T said.

You can change, you can protect yourself from being hurt again. What prevents you from Staying away from him?

well, in the beginning, I had "great expectations". Being painted black for months had been very painful and I thought that if we could talk, kind of re-estblish a sort of human relationship, it would be a sort of "success", at least relieving my heart from the terrible pain of having been cut off from his life. Than, things could evolve and perhaps... . I was surprised when he was the one to ask to meet and I was happy, for the first time in many months. I believed he was sincere. Love is often a pair of pink glasses to mask reality for something else... . When the first week passed without any call or text from him, I thought that there were various possibilities: 1) he had changed his mind 2) he was having some other interest to whom paying attention to 3) he was testing his power. When I texted him for the second time, I realized that my third hypothesis was te most probable one and the level of my expectations decreased. I was conscious that probably he woudn't call to arrange our meeting also this second time. But a part of myself was always telling "perhaps... . ". Now, I'm conscious that what he wants is going on hurting and humiliating me, because no one normally behaves in such a cruel way with people he/she cares for, never. He knows I'm still in love with him and he would never treat a friend this way. So, I'm sure he is doing it on purpose. What I am doing is trying not to give him any hint about my actual state of mind, he is ignoring me, so I'm ignoring him. But, the point is that a part of me is still in love with him and is hurting, not as much as it would just a month ago, as this last experience has been of help for my path to detachment, but his behavior is still influencing me. And I'm perfectly conscious of it.

[Nearlybroken]

I feel for you, I really do.You seem to be going through a similar torture to me.I recently bumped into my ex and he asked if he could talk to me.Stupidly a combination of still loving him and thinking that i would get some sort of an apology for the horrible hurtful behaviour he has put me through led me to say yes.I have been having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that he talked about our future, appeared to worship me , then made my life a living hell for months.I guess I just wanted to see if he would take some form of responsibility for his actions.And a little part  of me was hoping for a miracle.So we met up, I explained calmly how I felt ( pointless) and how his words and actions had upset me ( pointless).I explained all of the times he had the wrong impression  ( pointless) and the fact that I knew he had lied to me and that this had upset me ( pointless).I also indicated that his aggressive behaviour towards me had been destructive and hurtful ( pointless).To be fair to him he listened without having a strop worthy of a two year old spoilt child.His response " well, I can only hope that you see that I acted the way I did because I was hurt by your behaviour.I shouted because I was hurt.I hung the phone on you because I was hurt.I said nasty things to you because you hurt me."All about him. he told me that he would call me the next day to sort out returning some of my things... . still waiting.Utter disrespect He will never change.I realised, with sadness, that I will never meet a man who i love in the way I love him.But  eventually when I heal I will meet a man who I love in a different way and who will be capable of loving me back.Problem is is that I am still at the stage where I see  being only with  him.Yuk.

[Billa]

I feel for you, I really do.You seem to be going through a similar torture to me.I recently bumped into my ex and he asked if he could talk to me.Stupidly a combination of still loving him and thinking that i would get some sort of an apology for the horrible hurtful behaviour he has put me through led me to say yes.I have been having a difficult time coming to terms with the fact that he talked about our future, appeared to worship me , then made my life a living hell for months.I guess I just wanted to see if he would take some form of responsibility for his actions.And a little part  of me was hoping for a miracle.So we met up, I explained calmly how I felt ( pointless) and how his words and actions had upset me ( pointless).I explained all of the times he had the wrong impression  ( pointless) and the fact that I knew he had lied to me and that this had upset me ( pointless).I also indicated that his aggressive behaviour towards me had been destructive and hurtful ( pointless).To be fair to him he listened without having a strop worthy of a two year old spoilt child.His response " well, I can only hope that you see that I acted the way I did because I was hurt by your behaviour.I shouted because I was hurt.I hung the phone on you because I was hurt.I said nasty things to you because you hurt me."All about him. he told me that he would call me the next day to sort out returning some of my things... . still waiting.Utter disrespect He will never change.I realised, with sadness, that I will never meet a man who i love in the way I love him.But  eventually when I heal I will meet a man who I love in a different way and who will be capable of loving me back.Problem is is that I am still at the stage where I see  being only with  him.Yuk.

at least he really met you, not only proposed to do it and left you waiting fo him to made up his mind, without a word... . as for what happened when you met him, well, I think it was predictable, they simply can't come to terms with their behaviour and always expect you not to mention it and believe to whatever they will say.

[Nearlybroken]

I have no doubt that had I not bumped into him and texted him requesting a meeting he would have totally ignored me Billa... . one of his favourite tricks was to ignore my texts or refuse to answer my calls.Or hang up the phone when I said something he did not agree with.As he knew me, he knew how hurtful being ignored was  to me.To be honest, I think the only reason he suggested talking as he wanted to lie about the fact  that he has met someone else.he spent a long time telling me that she was interested in him and that nothing had happened ( I KNOW this to be a lie).I guess he was just trying to keep me hanging on and why tell the truth when a good lie will do ?Not that it will help but I have been on the receivbing end of the hanging around thing.half of me kicking myself for allowing it to happen... . the other half hoping that ,at some point, I would be in his thoughts and he would call.I never was ... . only just realising that now and it doesn't take any of the pain away.You are right about them never coming to terms with their behaviour and not expecting you to mention it... . in fact my ex specifically refused to allow me to discuss anything that had gone on between us and would get aggressive if I did.Guess his way of avoiding facing up to his actions.Weak sad man.

[T. Moore]

Billa,

In a similiar situation with exNPD/BPDgf.  I still struggle with it on a daily basis.  It is about power and control over you.  Only you have the power to stop it and focus on YOU.  My ex plays the power play very well.  They don't want you but don't want anyone else to have you either.  They like to feed off of that energy.  No matter what you say it goes in one ear and out the other because they simply DON'T CARE, no matter how much they try to make you believe otherwise.  Realizing that I was in love with the "fantasy" of her, not the person she truly is, makes detaching a lot easier.  They won't change because they won't take responsibility for their behavior and it will always be about them, nothing more.  My best advice is to go NC to protect yourself from being hurt again, but be prepared for him to continually try to contact you when this happens.  If you can, block the number and facebook, it's not healthy for you to continually put yourself through the pain.      

T. Moore

[Billa]

I agree with you, but I'm not able to do what you suggest. I was blocked on Facebook and Whatsapp by him for three months and it was very painful for me. I had been the one who had removed him from my Fb contacts list, out of rage, and as a reaction, he blocked me. I can't do it again, after all that pain. Not at the moment, at least. I'm still too attached... . And, as you have written, I realized he is succeeding in reaching his main goal: control as I'm going crazy again. I was the one who left, as what he was doing to me was unbearable, and he'll never forgive me for this. And, as your exGF, he is also NPD/BPD, I think. And in the last period, for what I could see from his Facebook account, the NPD aspect has increasead. He is a TV journalist, speaker and telecaster and he now has an important program of his own on the second most important of our national tv broadcast (when I got to know him his popularity was only local as he worked for the local section of our national broadcast, in a different area from mine, so that I didn't know who he was. and I also didn't really know this aspect of his personality) -something as BBC2, if we were in England- and for what I can see he can't stop showing off, with a lot of people praising him all the time... . what Im trying to say is that perhaps he  now feel even more powerful than ever.

[T. Moore]

I agree with you, but I'm not able to do what you suggest. I was blocked on Facebook and Whatsapp by him for three months and it was very painful for me. I had been the one who had removed him from my Fb contacts list, out of rage, and as a reaction, he blocked me. I can't do it again, after all that pain. Not at the moment, at least. I'm still too attached... . And, as you have written, I realized he is succeeding in reaching his main goal: control as I'm going crazy again. I was the one who left, as what he was doing to me was unbearable, and he'll never forgive me for this. And, as your exGF, he is also NPD/BPD, I think. And in the last period, for what I could see from his Facebook account, the NPD aspect has increasead. He is a TV journalist, speaker and telecaster and he now has an important program of his own on the second most important of our national tv broadcast (when I got to know him his popularity was only local as he worked for the local section of our national broadcast, in a different area from mine, so that I didn't know who he was. and I also didn't really know this aspect of his personality) -something as BBC2, if we were in England- and for what I can see he can't stop showing off, with a lot of people praising him all the time... . what Im trying to say is that perhaps he  now feel even more powerful than ever.

Billa,

You can do this, with support.  You are stronger than you think!  Are you seeing a therapist?  His only power over you is the power that YOU give him.  I'm no therapist, but based on my experience and research I would agree from what you said that he leans more on the NPD side of the spectrum.  NPD's need Narcissistic supply (NS), which by responding to him you're providing.  Realize that no matter what you do, or say and no matter how much you try it will never be enough for him.  They need a constant supply of attention (NS) to function in life.  You have been subjected to emotional abuse.  Google Melanie Tonia Evans.  I have found this to be an excellent resource on recovering from Narcissistic abuse, which is why it's so hard to let them go.  Ask yourself these questions:  Is this really the person you want to be with the rest of your life?  Does he meet YOUR standards of how someone should treat you?  If he blocks you or you him, take it as a blessing in disguise!  By continuing contact you are giving him the ability to open the painful wounds each and every time.  He will continue to contact you on HIS terms in order to recycle you.  These are just my two cents based on my own experience and extensive research.  I realize that it is very hard to do, but can be done!  They have a charisma about them that sucks you in.  I personally felt a bond and connnection with her that I've never felt with anyone in my life, but have had to let go of that for my own sanity!  Please continue to reach out to people on this board, and utilize the workshops that are available here on this site.  It's a long road to recovery but it can be done and it doesn't happen overnight.

T. Moore     

[Billa]

thanks for your words, T.More, I appreciate them very much. I know that the power he has is the power I give to him and he will always do always on his terms. As a matter of fact, I believe he is a perfect case of comorbidity BPD/NPD, as he shows traits of both disorders, appearing to lean more to one side than to the oher depending on period and circumstances. Now, as he feels strong and popular due to his success, the NPD traits are more visible, but BPD is still there, under the surface. As for me, I'm trying to focus on all the points you listed, but I'm still very far from detachment, even if now I see him in a more "grey way", that is to say that I'm beginning to see him for what he is, a part-time self, to cite other boarders, the first person I knew, the smallest part, the wicked person I find out he was in the end, the largest. And this means that I've made some progress, as earlier I had in my mind the images of two different people that I could not put together and I was struggling to have the first one back.

[T. Moore]

thanks for your words, T.More, I appreciate them very much. I know that the power he has is the power I give to him and he will always do always on his terms. As a matter of fact, I believe he is a perfect case of comorbidity BPD/NPD, as he shows traits of both disorders, appearing to lean more to one side than to the oher depending on period and circumstances. Now, as he feels strong and popular due to his success, the NPD traits are more visible, but BPD is still there, under the surface. As for me, I'm trying to focus on all the points you listed, but I'm still very far from detachment, even if now I see him in a more "grey way", that is to say that I'm beginning to see him for what he is, a part-time self, to cite other boarders, the first person I knew, the smallest part, the wicked person I find out he was in the end, the largest. And this means that I've made some progress, as earlier I had in my mind the images of two different people that I could not put together and I was struggling to have the first one back.

Billa,

In my experience many do have comorbid issues.  Detaching is a daily effort.  You are making progress in seeing who he truly is.  Progress doesn't happen overnight.  We all struggle to have the first one back, but that is their "false self" that we want back, it's not who they really are deep down.  Continue to focus on your own healing and try to understand what it is that attracts you to him.  Have you read the 5 stages of detachment posted on this site?  It will help in detaching from this bond. 

T. Moore 

[tailspin]

Billa,

Is having limited contact with your ex working for you?  This unpredictability is part of what you can expect if LC is your goal.  If he can find the words to keep you hanging around then he will use these words to keep you hanging around.  It's still all about him.

My ex would say "I almost did hit_ but couldn't" because he couldn't make the effort or take the time.  This is part of their abandonment issues... . it's easier to accept perceived rejection than the actual thing.  It's easier to do nothing and fail than it is to make an effort and fail.  This is why words are cheap and actions speak volumes.

I don't think he fooled you again.  I think you let him fool you again.  There's a huge difference because you are nobody's fool.  I hope you can see this.

tailspin