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uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
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Topic: uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit (Read 630 times)
Aldrea
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
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uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
«
on:
July 29, 2013, 01:03:36 PM »
Hi all,
My uBPDm is threatening to visit me on the 1st. This is not an invited visit.
Her finances are falling apart and she is blaming me and my siblings for the mistakes she made and the actions she didn't take. She is all doom and gloom (even though her assets FAR outweigh her current debt) and saying that she is just going to walk away from her home and properties and start over on her own, because her children don't want her around (even though my younger sister is living with her again to try to help her).
Anyways, she had asked me, suddenly last week, to come home and get the rest of my stuff, she kept mentioning "memorabilia," sometime before the 1st. I told her there was no way I could do that- I'm teaching online (very intensive short course) and have to be moved out of my old apartment by the 1st. And that there isn't anything there that I need to have anyways.
She called today saying she was then going to bring me "what she owes me" (I had loaned her some money) on the 1st.
What do I do? I don't want her to visit like this. My boyfriend and I just moved into a new house. She'll plan to visit exactly during the hours that he is at work and I am at home alone. She'll come in and criticize everything, the furniture we bought (didn't mention the purchases to avoid a fight, I know she'll complain we could have had her old stuff- saturated in cigarette smoke and cat piss/fur), the house, and most of all me and my relationship with my boyfriend, which she already does every other day by phone.
My first thought was to try to take back control of the situation by instead wanting to meet in a public setting but I know that would just be provoking the hornet's nest so to speak. I'm sitting here shaking at the thought of this uninvited, ill-willed visit. I feel totally cornered, which is exactly what she'll do to me if/when she visits like this.
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GeekyGirl
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Re: uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
«
Reply #1 on:
July 29, 2013, 02:26:15 PM »
Quote from: Aldrea on July 29, 2013, 01:03:36 PM
My first thought was to try to take back control of the situation by instead wanting to meet in a public setting but I know that would just be provoking the hornet's nest so to speak.
That sounds like a safe approach, actually. Are you worried about your mother's behavior in public? If you're not comfortable having her visit your home, is there somewhere that isn't super-busy where you could go instead?
You could also try making a boundary with her around when she can and can't visit. "Mom, I'd like to see you and I know you'd like to see me too, but during the day I teach. That's not a good time for us to meet, because I cannot give our visit my full attention. Is there another time that works for you?"
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Aldrea
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Re: uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
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Reply #2 on:
July 29, 2013, 02:42:51 PM »
She would accuse me of being hateful, unloving, and cold if I tried to enforce a boundary of not having her come into the house (not that I forbid her to visit, but just not one like this where she is. Moving out of spite to make a scene). She'd say a good normal loving daughter would have invited their mother, wanted their mother, to come see their new home. She'd also blame my SO for "changing me."
The last time she visited me was last year when she helped me move from her house to the apartment me and my SO were living in. She refused to enter the place while he was in it, when we arrived his parents were just leaving and she did not even get out of the car to say hi- it was SO embarrassing. My SO stayed the night at his aunt's so that my uBPDm could help move me and stay the night. We then spent the entire next day doing an errand she wanted done, and when it came that afternoon we returned to the apt where me SO was. As I said she refused to enter while he was there, accused me of not helping her with her errand, choosing him over her, was angry I didn't invite her to stay
another
night, etc. after that I got the impression she'd only want to see me if she visited and I was not going to ask my SO to leave his house again just for her sake.
I know she would be hugely offended if I tried to make the visit be away from the house and immediately accuse me of wanting to cut her out of my life, not involve her, etc., and I wouldn't have a great response for that.
I just don't want to fell trapped and cornered in my own home.
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GeekyGirl
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Re: uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
«
Reply #3 on:
July 29, 2013, 03:00:19 PM »
It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. If your mother won't visit you outside your home, could you go to hers instead? If that's not an option, what could you do to make yourself more comfortable when she visits? I'm sure listening to her criticize your home and relationship is painful, but if that's the best option for you, what would make it easier and less like you're trapped?
Being trapped is an awful feeling. Could you plan the visit around the time your SO comes home, or have some other way of making sure that the visit doesn't drag on longer than you're comfortable with? If she's going to visit no matter what, your best bet is to be prepared and as comfortable as you can be.
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ScarletOlive
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Re: uBPDm threatening an un-invited visit
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Reply #4 on:
August 01, 2013, 04:40:42 PM »
That does sound difficult, Aldrea. If she visits, well, you don't want her to visit and you'll be teaching. If you say no, she'll be upset. If you move the location, she might make a scene. Aldrea, you are entitled to your own life and your own choices. It does hurt deeply when our parents blame us and say that we are doing hurtful things to them. But that does not mean that what they say is true. You are a good daughter who is living her own life and trying to take care of herself.
The easiest way to not work around this situation would be to tell your mother your wishes and hold to them. Of course, I know that isn't the easiest for you emotionally though, and completely understand how hard that can be. If that doesn't work, can you plan activities around your mother's visit so you will have to cut the visit short? Can you invite some friends over to support you during the visit?
You have options, Aldrea. I know this situation isn't fair, but we believe in you.
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