Having concerns with the mediation process

[iluminati]

I recently served my stbxw with papers for a separation agreement.  In turn, she has offered the opportunity to go to mediation.  While the idea of getting everything settled in one place is tempting, I am concerned about the pitfalls, especially her past history of poor communication and manipulation. 

Could anyone give me advice for what to look out for and what things I need to make sure to do to make the experience go smoothly?  Thanks in advance.

[ForeverDad]

What is the benefit of separation?  It does most everything a divorce does - except you're still married.

Also, my lawyer told me that if I separated, then later divorced, my costs for a divorce wouldn't be any less, I would just end up paying full price twice.  Also, he warned me that if I had two custody evaluations, then my ex might learn from the first one how to behave less badly for the second one.

So, with that said, what about mediation?  First, recognize that is you two can't agree on some things, that's normal especially with one person disordered.  So don't enter mediation thinking you have to give in and sacrifice yourself until she agrees.  If it fails, then it fails and you head on to family court.  Our general 'wisdom' here is that mediation or settlement conferences typically don't succeed until the unreasonable spouse faces an impending event such as a trial or big hearing date.  In my case, my ex delayed my divorce case for nearly two years and then settled a few minutes before the trial on Trial Day was to begin.

Second, accept that your spouse may be unable to negotiate.  Many pwBPD can only dictate terms and conditions on the other spouse, they can't - or won't - really negotiate with give and take. Being aware of that, you may want to make some extra requests at the start, things that aren't crucial items for you, that you can later 'give up' so that your spouse feels she 'won'.  Typically they need to feel they 'won' or else they'll dig in their heels and refuse to reach an agreement.

So our risk is that we start out 'too fair' too early in the case and then later on are forced to give up far more than we expected.  In our circumstances, our otherwise fine sense of fairness is self-sabotaging to be too fair, too nice, too generous, too whatever.

Also remember that separation or divorce is not like a wedding, weddings have hopes and expectations for a future together, now is a time to keep the emotions under control and be as businesslike or business oriented as possible.

As a parent you will also need to have your child's best interests at heart.  Since one parent is at least partly dysfunctional, you need to step up and seek as much parental responsibility and time as possible.

[Matt]

Know what your goals are for mediation - why you're doing it.

If your goal is to make the divorce cheaper, simpler, easier, that's probably not realistic, if the other party has a psychological disorder.

If your goal is to give it your best shot, so the court and others will see that you are willing to try mediation, then that's realistic, and you can even go at it as if it  might work - genuinely participate - but just don't have high hopes.  Being unwilling to try mediation might make you look like a jerk.

Also, if your goal is to understand what the other party is likely to say in court, and in court documents - for example, if she might make some kind of accusations - then mediation could be very worthwhile.  You might hear exactly the approach she will take in the legal process, and you'll be better prepared to deal with it.

[iluminati]

ForeverDad: first, glad to see you again.  You were the first person to welcome me onto the site, and I remember your greeting well.  In my home state, New York, I can easily convert a legal separation into a divorce by waiting a year and paying the appropriate filing fee.  I managed to generate the separation agreement myself with some help from lawyers.  Also, going the separation route means that I can file immediately, while divorce would mean having to live separately for a year before I can file.  Simply put, going this route is just faster in my state.

Also, my wife asked for mediation after I gave her the separation agreement.  Under NY Law, once she gets a notarized signature, it has the force of law, I can use it in court, and the year clock starts immediately for divorce. 

That said, I will take your advice under consideration, especially about asking for as much as possible so I can concede something as a show of good faith.

[ForeverDad]

It will be a struggle.  How hard your struggle will be to be a meaningful and involved parent is hard to say from remote peer support.  A lot depends on how possessive she is of your child.  How deeply involved in parenting is your spouse?  In my case, my ex was so child-focused that the first version of the custody evaluation report said she could not share 'her' child (those quotes were made by the CE) as though I didn't even exist or mustn't exist in her view.

You may have to negotiate well for reasonable custody and parenting time.  Don't give up, you already know how intractable and relentless a pwBPD can be, you need to be equally determined for the sake of your child.  Whether a few extra $$$ will make her more amenable to agree to more time for you, I don't know.  It might work but probably not.  It sure didn't for me.  In those early days she was determined I would not be a father.

[iluminati]

It will be a struggle.  How hard your struggle will be to be a meaningful and involved parent is hard to say from remote peer support.  A lot depends on how possessive she is of your child.  How deeply involved in parenting is your spouse? 

ROTFLMAO!  I will put it to you like this.  My daughter has to beg her mom to do anything, and she'll only do it if she gets to stay in bed.  No joke.  I don't know what act she'll put up in court, but she will only get involved unless otherwise prodded.  If it wasn't for the fact that my daughter's insurance is in her name, she'd never go to the doctor with her, and she still has to be prodded to go.  She still claims her, but is otherwise uninvolved.

You may have to negotiate well for reasonable custody and parenting time.  Don't give up, you already know how intractable and relentless a pwBPD can be, you need to be equally determined for the sake of your child.  Whether a few extra $$$ will make her more amenable to agree to more time for you, I don't know.  It might work but probably not.  It sure didn't for me.  In those early days she was determined I would not be a father.

We shall see.  I hope it doesn't come to that, though I have a lot of evidence that she wasn't involved as a mother.

[ForeverDad]

If it wasn't for the fact that my daughter's insurance is in her name, she'd never go to the doctor with her, and she still has to be prodded to go.  She still claims her, but is otherwise uninvolved.

The parent carrying the insurance doesn't have to appear with the child, right?  If it were me, I wouldn't prod my ex to do anything that might support ex's case and weaken my case.  I wouldn't block but I wouldn't prod either.

[Free One]

This is how meditation went for me: We showed up, and I was prepared with all necessary financial documents, figures, a proposed parenting plan, property division, etc. UBPDexh showed up with nothing. Then he made excuses as to why he didn't have his paystubs; that schedule changes were pending at work, so he couldn't agree to specific parenting plan... . we left with no progress, just a lot of hypothetical that couldn't be sorted until he got a bunch of documentation from his job - like paystubs, costs of insurance, documentation from supervisor on schedule change. Found out before our next appt the reason he didn't have any of this was because he was on administrative leave and NEVER ONCE MENTIONED IT to me, lawyers, mediator or anyone. I gave up on mediation at that point. Saw quickly it was a waste of time. Next meeting was us and lawyers... . his lawyer was a bit surprised to find out from mine that her client wasn't working... . he assured her his job was not really at risk, but was fired within a couple of weeks.

[Matt]

So... . some simple ground rules for mediation that should go without saying, but might be worth agreeing to, with the mediator:

* It's OK to say, "I don't want to go into that issue right now.", but not to give false information.

* It's OK to say, "I'm really angry with you about that", but not to raise your voice or act out toward each other.

* No accusations, unless it's relevant to the issue at hand and you are prepared to back it up with evidence.

* No threats.